Tag Archives: Compassion

How to Avoid Emotion Dumps

Last week this blog had a series of search engine hits on what to do when other people dump their emotions onto you. I’ve seen this type of behaviour take many forms: extreme anxiety, anger, passive-aggressive comments.

A few thoughts on preventing emotion dumps:

Mark a Line in The Sand. There is definitely something to be said for explicitly setting boundaries. Not everyone responds well to this, of course, but it is a good first step in case the other person hadn’t realized he or she was imposing on you.

There Is a Difference Between Caring About Someone and Fixing Them.  It’s ridiculously easy to slide from feeling compassion for someone else’s troubles to wanting to rush in with the solution. (I know I’ve done it!)

Relationships Are a Two-Way Street. This is not to say that we should give up on those who are going through a difficult time, only that healthy relationships are reciprocal. If you find yourself repeatedly coming to the rescue of or walking on eggshells around someone else there is something seriously wrong with this picture.

No One Is Owed a Season Pass to Your Life. It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve known them or what kind of relationship exists between you – romantic, professional, familial, platonic or something else. No one is ever morally or ethically obligated to continue any harmful relationship.

You Have More Than One Option. There are an infinite number of ways to keep in touch. It’s never a matter of cutting someone completely out of your life vs. allowing them knowledge of and input into every decision you make. Yes, occasionally the healthiest thing to do is to stop associating with that individual entirely but many relationships can continue if you scale back contact and/or set firm boundaries.

What If You’re in The Middle of a Conversation?

Tell the Emperor He’s Still Naked. Do you remember the Hans Christian Anderson story about the emperor who was too embarrassed to admit he didn’t see his “invisible” clothing? Use this idea with care but I have seen some people back off when one person gathers up the courage to call them on inappropriate behaviour.

“No!” Is a Full Sentence. There’s nothing wrong with choosing not to participate in conversations on subject X or accept certain behaviours from those who are part of your life.  Not respecting these boundaries is a huge red flag for a toxic relationship.

Make Bubbles. If someone else is dumping their anxiety, anger or other emotions on you and you cannot avoid the situation try imagining that your body has been encased in an impermeable bubble. You can see and hear what the other person is saying and doing but it’s muffled and will never be sharp enough to pierce your bubble. This might sound cheesy but it works well when I want to avoid becoming too enmeshed in an unhealthy interaction.

Respond

Do you agree with my advice? What other advice would you give to someone in this situation?

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Dealing with Negative People

Recently I came across a chart describing what to do when other people dump their negative emotions on you. I adore it.

It isn’t easy to know how to respond to consistent negativity. After a while the warnings and the gooey layer of fear lurking behind them amalgamate into something similar to what would happen if every 6 O’Clock special report on stuff that (might) kill or maim you ever aired was squished together into one program.

(Don’t) Try This at Home

Unbridled optimism doesn’t help.  If anything it cements the idea that something horrible is about to happen in the minds of at least some negative people.

Don’t judge. None of us will ever know what it is like to walk in one another’s shoes.

As tempting as it may be I’ve yet to win an argument about this. If he or she thinks that the sky is falling or that a journey up north to find a kidnapped prince will never work there’s no line of reasoning that can convince them otherwise.

On the Other Hand…

In certain situations a well-timed joke can be effective in lightening the doom and gloom. Sometimes it’s easier to shake off a pessimistic attitude in collaboration with someone else.

On a related note, playful exaggeration can also be a good tool if you know the other person’s sense of humour well enough. For example “You have a hangnail! When did you want to schedule the amputation?” may elicit a smile if said tongue-in-cheek.

One of the most rewarding aspects of reading Buddhist books and websites is what they have to say about disengagement. Other people can share or do anything they’d like to express but this doesn’t mean you have to make their anger or fear your own. I’m far from an expert on putting these boundaries into practice yet every time I do there is a whoosh of relief.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. A lit match needs dry tinder to keep the flame alive.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a break from a specific situation or individual. Some combinations of people and circumstances are more difficult to handle gracefully than are others and I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to be everything to everyone.

Respond

How do you respond to consistently negative people?

 

 

 

 

 

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Celebrating Osama’s Death

Osama bin Laden was killed in a U.S. raid of his home in Pakistan over the weekend. I found out about this last night when Drew logged onto one of his social networking sites.

The first wave of reactions: nearly universal glee.

This makes me uncomfortable. Yes, Osama was responsible  for decades of severe human suffering. I completely understand feeling relieved or happy that he can no longer orchestrate the injury or death of anyone but there’s something that bothers me about spontaneous outdoor parties celebrating the fact that someone else is no longer alive.

Osama’s death is the end of possibilities. When someone is still alive there is always the hope of rehabilitation. A corpse can’t be tried in a court of law or sentenced for his crimes. The dead cannot atone for what they have done any more than they help those they have hurt find closure. Death is the last sentence in the life story of an individual. The loose strings of everything left unsaid and unlearned flap in the breeze. In this case there are a a hell of a lot of strings.

A single death isn’t going to nullify the danger of al-Qaeda. If anything I’ve read speculation that it will energize their followers and we will see more acts of violence against innocent people in retaliation. I hope these predictions are wrong, that if nothing else Osama’s death will mark the beginning of the end of their power.

No comment on what the U.S. should or could have done instead. I don’t know what the best answer is but neither can I celebrate the death of another human being.

A final thought. I’m borrowing this from the Facebook page of a friend but will leave self-identification up to that individual. 🙂

As you talk about this news, I hope you will consider how your response can counter rather than reinforce the cycles of violence that spin around us. And please God, help us bring healing beauty to the ugliness of violence in whatever small way we can. Today.

 

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Loophole for the Unforgotten

Toronto is full of pigeons. Most big cities are, I’d imagine. Sometimes we half-jokingly call them sky rats because they’re everywhere and are thought to be dirty and potentially disease and pest-carrying.

Last winter I was walking to work when I saw a pigeon run over by a car. It happened in a slow instant. A heavy thud as the bird made contact with the car, sliding to the ground, one of the wheels possibly thumping over it as the car ambled on. If the driver noticed what had happened it didn’t affect his or her speed or control of the vehicle.

The bird lay in the middle of the street. I paused for a moment, watching it breathe, wondering if I should call a vet, if a vet would be willing to work on a wild animal, and if survival was ever a possibility in these cases. One moment it was breathing, one eye watching me, the next it twitched violently, and then the only movement was a slight wind ruffling feathers.

The silence rushing in was a flash flood.

As a child I was never satisfied with Mom’s answers about what happens to animals after they die. One time she told us that they stopped existing because they didn’t have souls but that we shouldn’t feel sorry for them because they weren’t self-aware. They didn’t know enough to know that they existed in the first place and wouldn’t be able to understand it even if we could somehow explain that people live on after death.

When our pets died the story changed. They still were un-souled, but Mom said it was possible for God to keep part of them in existence if there was a human who would love and miss them otherwise. That comforted me…

Until I thought about all of the pets who live and die abused, forgotten and unloved. They hadn’t asked to be created or to suffer. How could they never find peace in the end?

I decided to create a loophole: if I loved the forgotten ones, God would have to reconsider the rules. Mom’s asthma and my allergies prevented us from having family pets after a while, but the loophole has somehow stuck around even after my belief system evolved into I just don’t know. I still believe in second chances and in embracing those who have been rejected. I do not believe in the idea of worthless animals or people.

Respond

What are your remnants? That is, what small beliefs, hunches or inklings have you carried with you even as larger capital-B Beliefs evolved or were left behind? My example was about a leftover from religious beliefs, but any belief counts.

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