Tag Archives: Mental Health

Just One More Step: Motivation for the Unmotivated

Over the last six months Drew and I have have lived at three different addresses. That is quite a bit of change for someone who prefers a predictable routine! (Photo credit – Ozizo.)

In some ways our lives are like this photo. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know this stage won’t last forever but I still feel the gritty edge of transition scraping against my shoulder blades.

In some ways seeing the light is worse than being surrounded by darkness. It’s easy to grow impatient when you’re so close to the end. More than anything I want to stumble through that lambent light into whatever it is we will be doing next.

In the meantime I poke my foot out and carefully take just one more step.  Just one more job application. Just one more revision of a short story or blog post. Just one more idea to sketch out.

Each day only requires enough motivation for that next step toward what I hope to accomplish. An entire week’s or month’s worth of goals is overwhelming so I focus only on what can be done today. There’s something motivating about distilling a long term goal into such simple terms.

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How to Avoid Emotion Dumps

Last week this blog had a series of search engine hits on what to do when other people dump their emotions onto you. I’ve seen this type of behaviour take many forms: extreme anxiety, anger, passive-aggressive comments.

A few thoughts on preventing emotion dumps:

Mark a Line in The Sand. There is definitely something to be said for explicitly setting boundaries. Not everyone responds well to this, of course, but it is a good first step in case the other person hadn’t realized he or she was imposing on you.

There Is a Difference Between Caring About Someone and Fixing Them.  It’s ridiculously easy to slide from feeling compassion for someone else’s troubles to wanting to rush in with the solution. (I know I’ve done it!)

Relationships Are a Two-Way Street. This is not to say that we should give up on those who are going through a difficult time, only that healthy relationships are reciprocal. If you find yourself repeatedly coming to the rescue of or walking on eggshells around someone else there is something seriously wrong with this picture.

No One Is Owed a Season Pass to Your Life. It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve known them or what kind of relationship exists between you – romantic, professional, familial, platonic or something else. No one is ever morally or ethically obligated to continue any harmful relationship.

You Have More Than One Option. There are an infinite number of ways to keep in touch. It’s never a matter of cutting someone completely out of your life vs. allowing them knowledge of and input into every decision you make. Yes, occasionally the healthiest thing to do is to stop associating with that individual entirely but many relationships can continue if you scale back contact and/or set firm boundaries.

What If You’re in The Middle of a Conversation?

Tell the Emperor He’s Still Naked. Do you remember the Hans Christian Anderson story about the emperor who was too embarrassed to admit he didn’t see his “invisible” clothing? Use this idea with care but I have seen some people back off when one person gathers up the courage to call them on inappropriate behaviour.

“No!” Is a Full Sentence. There’s nothing wrong with choosing not to participate in conversations on subject X or accept certain behaviours from those who are part of your life.  Not respecting these boundaries is a huge red flag for a toxic relationship.

Make Bubbles. If someone else is dumping their anxiety, anger or other emotions on you and you cannot avoid the situation try imagining that your body has been encased in an impermeable bubble. You can see and hear what the other person is saying and doing but it’s muffled and will never be sharp enough to pierce your bubble. This might sound cheesy but it works well when I want to avoid becoming too enmeshed in an unhealthy interaction.

Respond

Do you agree with my advice? What other advice would you give to someone in this situation?

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Destination: Confirmation Bias


Today’s topic: Confirmation bias.

Drew and I have moved back to Ontario and are temporarily living with family while we look for a new apartment. One relative is well-versed in common things that could kill you, from e-coli on produce to traffic accidents, skin cancer to home burglaries.

There are several news programs and talk shows this individual watches religiously that discuss ordinary people who are harmed or killed in unusual ways. This seems to have created a feedback loop in which the world appears more dangerous with each special report on the hidden dangers of [insert food, product, species, activity or habit here.]

This isn’t something only this one relative does, of course. I’ve walked into more than one situation assuming the best (or worst) and basically ended up with what I expected. If only we could be divided into two or more consciousnesses. How fascinating would it be to see all of the possible outcomes of one event or decision based on what each person involved thought might happen?!

I’m slowly learning that while we can influence some of the things that happen to us no one can control everything. Trying to do so actually seems to make things worse than going with the flow and worrying less.

Respond

Here are some of the questions that have been rolling around in my head: what came first, the sensationalistic programs or the anxiety about those things we cannot control? Is worrying about these things more or less common in stable countries with good safety nets?

What do you think?

 

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Preventing Burnout

Abby at New Urban Habitat recently shared an excellent post on recovering from burnout.

Today I’ll take the conversation a step further: why are you burned out? what can we do to prevent it from happening again?

Have you taken on (or been assigned) too many responsibilities? Are you in a profession that is a poor fit for your interests and strengths? Do you have underlying health or relationship problems that are exacerbating the problem?

From Abby’s post:

For me the key is not avoiding burnout (or any other emotion), but learning from it, developing resiliency – bouncing back. That’s why I’ve been accumulating these strategies for inevitable bouts of burnout:

Resiliency is a fantastic trait but I’d argue that prevention just as important.

When I was ten my brothers and I came down with the chicken pox. It was a miserable, itchy experience that left behind a constellation of scars from the largest sores. Yes, we are probably immune for life now but I would have much preferred to be immunized against this disease as a small child instead.

A few years ago I became burned out. The process of figuring out what I needed to do to become happier was incredibly valuable. I have an arsenal of skills at my disposal if or when this happens again. More importantly, though, I know what I can do to (hopefully) prevent it:

  • Eating a healthier diet.
  • Exercising.
  • Meditating.
  • Enforcing better interpersonal boundaries – no is complete sentence.
  • Avoiding caffeine and refined sugar.
  • Transitioning to a career better suited to my personality and interests.

Then again, burnout to me is something to be taken seriously. It isn’t one bad day…it’s a month, season, year of them.

Respond

What do you do to prevent burnout? Do you agree with Abby when she says “as the years pass, I’m more accepting of life’s seasons, of natural cycles of dormancy and energy, of the inevitability of falling into ruts”?

(Photo credit – Sebastian Ritter.)

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Dealing with Negative People

Recently I came across a chart describing what to do when other people dump their negative emotions on you. I adore it.

It isn’t easy to know how to respond to consistent negativity. After a while the warnings and the gooey layer of fear lurking behind them amalgamate into something similar to what would happen if every 6 O’Clock special report on stuff that (might) kill or maim you ever aired was squished together into one program.

(Don’t) Try This at Home

Unbridled optimism doesn’t help.  If anything it cements the idea that something horrible is about to happen in the minds of at least some negative people.

Don’t judge. None of us will ever know what it is like to walk in one another’s shoes.

As tempting as it may be I’ve yet to win an argument about this. If he or she thinks that the sky is falling or that a journey up north to find a kidnapped prince will never work there’s no line of reasoning that can convince them otherwise.

On the Other Hand…

In certain situations a well-timed joke can be effective in lightening the doom and gloom. Sometimes it’s easier to shake off a pessimistic attitude in collaboration with someone else.

On a related note, playful exaggeration can also be a good tool if you know the other person’s sense of humour well enough. For example “You have a hangnail! When did you want to schedule the amputation?” may elicit a smile if said tongue-in-cheek.

One of the most rewarding aspects of reading Buddhist books and websites is what they have to say about disengagement. Other people can share or do anything they’d like to express but this doesn’t mean you have to make their anger or fear your own. I’m far from an expert on putting these boundaries into practice yet every time I do there is a whoosh of relief.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. A lit match needs dry tinder to keep the flame alive.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a break from a specific situation or individual. Some combinations of people and circumstances are more difficult to handle gracefully than are others and I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to be everything to everyone.

Respond

How do you respond to consistently negative people?

 

 

 

 

 

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9 Ways to Recharge Your Energy

Labels are tricky things. They can quickly communicate an identity or complicated set of ideas in a word or phrase. They can also box us into roles that only sometimes actually fit.

Today let’s talk about some alternative ways to recharge personal energy for people who usually do so by spending time alone. If I was discussing this with someone who had never known this need I’d use terms like introvert and extrovert and gloss over the idea that many people switch between the two in certain circumstances. I’d like to talk around these terms, though. Even people who usually are energized by being part of a crowd will either occasionally need to be alone or need to brainstorm other ways to recharge.

Sometimes one needs time alone in places or situations where it isn’t easy to carve out that space. Maybe you’re the primary caregiver for one or more small children, have a demanding, fast-paced job, are sharing a hotel room with three other people on a vacation or are trapped by a spring snowstorm in a remote cabin somewhere.

Here are some of the things I’d try to help prevent becoming (temporarily) burned out on people if I wasn’t able to have time alone:

  • Ask for quiet time. Noisy environments drain my energy much more quickly.
  • If the environment cannot be made more quiet, wear headphones. Sounds I choose to hear are far more relaxing than those I’m forced to process.
  • Go for a hike.
  • Imagine new stories.
  • Work on repetitive tasks. Boring physical or mental chores can block out what is happening around you.
  • Sleep.
  • Meditate.
  • Prepare a favourite meal.
  • Spend time around water. Swimming is the most helpful but even a bath or hot shower can clear the mind.

How would you bounce back in a situation like this?

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Cabin Fever Relief

Mid-to-late February is the most restless and irritable time of year. The excitement of the holidays has long since ebbed away, the new year has lost its baby fat and spring seems to be a thousand years away.

On a more personal note, this is also the time of year when respiratory infections like the flu or a cold affect me the worst. I’ve been fairly healthy this winter but due to these experiences I’ll trudge though the next few weeks with a tinge of dread.

Yes, average winter temperatures in Vancouver do tend to be warmer than what people in Ontario or the midwest in the United States generally experience but it has been much colder than normal here recently and we are expecting a big storm in the next few days.

Cabin Fever Relief

I haven’t found that many indoor activities that quell cabin fever to be honest. It’s something that seems to need time (and a lot of outdoor time once spring does arrive!) more than anything else.

These activities are good distractions, though:

  • Visiting friends.
  • Organizing and cleaning out the house room by room.
  • Sorting out and donating unused possessions. (There’s something so cathartic about helping others and freeing up some space!)
  • Watching highly-anticipated movies.
  • Researching upcoming trips.
  • Planning this years garden or other outdoor, time-intensive hobbies.
  • Fixing or replacing items that you’ll need in the near future.
  • Visiting the library for new books, DVDs, magazines and information on upcoming community events.
  • Meditating.

How do you cope with the restlessness of late winter?

(Photo by 3268zauber.)

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Making Worry Work For You

A loved one was hospitalized due to a sudden illness recently. This relative is young and otherwise healthy and we still don’t know exactly why  she became so ill so quickly. It’s not easy to know that someone you care about is suffering and their symptoms are leading the doctors to suspect that they may have a life-threatening disease. (This family member is now home and almost fully recovered from her illness, for which I am unspeakably grateful.)

As we waited for more news, knowing that the act of waiting was all any of us could do, I thought about coping with the fear of the unknown. As odd as this may sound, I like to imagine the worst case scenario and then plan in great detail out how I would handle it.  Sometimes it is just my anxiety talking and I need to stop thinking so much, of course. But at other times I am able to beat back dark thoughts and fear over what may come with thorough planning.

You can’t plan your way to good health for a family member, of course; I will break my traditional Monday, Thursday, Saturday posting schedule tomorrow to talk about handling worry and anxiety when there’s nothing anyone can do to fix a situation.

In the meantime, I’ll pick different examples to explain my thought processes for the remainder of this post; let’s say that I decided to spend a week camping and hiking in the most remote corner of my province possible. Some of the things that could possible go wrong on this trip are:

  1. Inclement weather.
  2. An accidental injury.
  3. Getting lost and spending one or more nights outdoors before we’re able to be rescued.

Even though I know that none of the things are likely to occur I’d still begin making plans to deal with them should the worst happen.

Inclement Weather. In an unexpected severe thunderstorm,  we would probably needs stuff like: sturdy tents, extra food, a way to avoid being struck by lightening or knocked over by strong winds, and maybe something to keep us occupied while we stayed out of the rain. So I’d pick the sturdiest tent we could afford, research the best ways to create safe, strong shelters during bad weather and maybe add a pack of playing cards or a book of short stories to read aloud while we waited for the storm to abate. I’d also keep an eye on the forecast. If severe thunderstorms were forecast during our trip I’d stay home.

An Accidental Injury. If I knew about the trip with enough advance notice, I’d sign up for a first aid class at the local hospital or community centre a month or two before we left. At the very least I’d bring along a travel-size basic first aid kit and brush up on wound care and how best to stabilize someone who had burns, sprains or broken bones until they could access professional medical care.  I may also pack a whistle or other signalling device.

Getting Lost. I’d do several things to reduce the risk of this: packing a GPS or compass and paper map, planning out where we want to go (and what sort of terrain to expect) beforehand and, most importantly, sharing the plan with family members or close friends who lived nearby. If someone knows where we’re going and about what time to expect us back, any rescue team would at least have a good place to start if we don’t come home at the expected time.

Being Stuck Outside Longer Than Expected.If we ended up having to spend an extra night or more outdoors, what would we need? This is highly unlikely to occur  but my contingency plans would still include a basic plan for spending more time outdoors than was originally planned. I’d bring an extra sweater or lightweight blanket for chilly nights, water purification tablets and enough dehydrated food for an additional day or two. If anyone on the trip had prescription medication that needed to be taken regularly, I may suggest that they bring along a little extra as well.

Worrying about something that might happen – or even something that is happening – isn’t as easy to do when I’ve thought it through and done everything I can in advance to prepare for something bad happening. This won’t work in every situation, of course,  but I’ve found that putting a little thought into what I’d do in one potential emergency limbers up my brain in the event that something happens that I hadn’t previously anticipated. And, more likely that not, this hypothetical trip would begin and end without a hitch.

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