Lydia Schoch

Photo by AgnosticPreachersKid.

Originally published on August 15, 2013.  I thought this post is especially relevant for people who are no longer in contact with their families of origin this holiday season.

Someone recently found this blog by googling, “how to find others who don’t have family to celebrate with.” It broke my heart to think about the lonely person behind that search phrase, so today I thought I’d give him or her some ideas.

The wonderful thing about chosen relatives is that, well, you get to decide who you want to claim as one of your own. Being related to someone through blood, marriage, or adoption in no way guarantees anything about what kind of relationship you’ll have with them. Some families are exceptionally close, others rarely get together. Some are warm and supportive, others are highly dysfunctional.

Everyone needs a few chosen family members, even those of us who have many supportive relatives. There’s no such thing as a family that is too large or a social network that is too strong, and it’s wonderful to expand those circles when you meet the right people.

From what I’ve seen, chosen families develop slowly over time.

The people I’ve added to my family at various times in my life have shown up in all sorts of ways. Several started out as avatars on a message board I frequented years ago. Well, technically they were real people using avatars on a message board, but it wasn’t until I got to know them over a long period of time that I felt as if we were kin.

Others I met through my spouse or parents. Look around your current circle of friends and pay attention to who else they spend time with. You might find likeminded people just one social circle away.

I would also recommend putting this quest on the back burner and helping someone else. Volunteer for your favourite charity, or if you already volunteer see if there are any other organizations that need help setting up or running an event. Or show up for the festival/concert/fundraiser and see who you can strike up a conversation with there.

What labels are part of your identity? If there is an organization dedicated to your occupation/ethnicity/sexual orientation/(lack of) religion anywhere near you they might host something special over the holidays.

Readers, what have I missed? How did you first meet your closest friends, the ones that act like relatives?

Photo by Technohell. It has nothing to do with today’s post, I just find it fascinating!

Other than next week’s Suggestion Saturday link roundup this is the last new post here at On the Other Hand until 2014.  I will be republishing a few favourite posts from 2013 in the meantime.  I hope all of my readers have a safe and wonderful holiday season, and I will be back on January 2nd with the next instalment of After the Storm.

Is Santa Real? What do you think?

Bleak Midwinter via JexShinigami. I know I say this every time I promote this author’s work, but everything I want to say about this story will give you spoilers. Just go read it!

A Good Men’s Rights Movement Is Hard To Find. This article succinctly explains many of the issues in the Men’s Rights Movement.

We Grew Up in the Same Building. Every entry on Humans in New York is fantastic, but this one is the perfect place to start if you hadn’t heard of this site yet. Most photographs are accompanied by a very short (generally 3-4 sentence) interview with subjects from every walk of life you can imagine.

Hazing Funeral Interns via CalebWilde. If I had the money to pursue more education I’d seriously consider becoming a funeral director. This blog post is the funniest thing I’ve read this week, but  it does make me reconsider my interest in this profession!

23 and You. How using a commercial DNA test can reveal long-buried family secrets.

From Our Daughters:

Because we do not approve of you having sex with our high school daughters, we have equipped their vaginas with automatic intrusion alarms. Once triggered, these alarms will screech out at unbearable volumes, transmit emergency GPS information to the nearest security forces, and instantly alert the Purity Apps on our phones and phablets.

Sheepish describes what it’s like to operate a sheep farm. The author and her partner had virtually no experience with sheep before buying their current farm, and their steep learning curve provided me with a ton of laughs.

I loved how Catherine described the rural community she and her partner have made their own. Too often books about returning to the land either romanticize or vilify small town life. The real world is rarely that black and white, though, and it was refreshing to read this author’s honest thoughts about the benefits and drawbacks of living in such a rural setting.

This is the perfect book to bring with you on a holiday trip. It’s lighthearted, funny, and endearing without ever slipping into sugary prose. You can slip into and out of it again without worrying too much about forgetting a character’s name. Most of their sheep don’t actually have names (for reasons that are hilariously described in the first chapter), so once you figure out the name of Catherine’s wife you’re all set.

I can’t recommend this story highly enough. It was a great one.

What have you been reading?

If the video isn’t visible or doesn’t play, click here.

Other than the next two Suggestion Saturday posts, On the Other Hand is now on hiatus until January 1. I will be republishing my favourite posts from 2013 over the holidays instead.

Happy Holidays to my readers. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, and I will see everyone again in 2014.

I’ve never found Hamlet’s Soliloquy particularly interesting before today.

Photo by Sir Gawain

Just tuning in? Start here.

Daphne sat on the bench next to the fire and looked around the small, crowded living space. Paige snored in the rocking chair at the corner of the room. No matter how often Daphne tried to get the older woman to move in closer to the fire she always drifted back to what must be the coldest corner of the main room.

“He’ll see me,” Paige muttered the last time Daphne woke her up to try yet again. “Best to stay out of his way.” Daphne sighed and tucked another blanket around Paige’s feet before going to check on the children. They were still recovering from a summer of disease and near-starvation, and both of them were far too skinny and listless for their ages. They were actually curled up on Mariposa’s bed sleeping now, although soon they’d need to be woken up for dinner.

Hopefully a good harvest would change that. Mariposa had spent a good part of the day tilling the garden and preparing it for the upcoming planting season, and Daphne could hear tiny splashes coming from the bedroom. They normally didn’t waste much water this time of year, but the poor girl had been caked with dust when she walked in the front door a little while ago. Even Daphne’s inherent thriftiness couldn’t begrudge the idea of having a clean face and hands at dinner after a long, sweaty day of work.

Lemon climbed up on the bench to rest his head and paws on her lap. Apple and Ambrosia still glared at him every time he wandered too close to the wooden crates that Isaac installed in a rectangular formation on the east side of the room. They still weren’t pleased with their exuberant new roommate, but having a place to hide from the dog made him less of a threat. If only Daphne could convince Lemon to stop sitting in the centre of the room and staring at them as he wagged his tail. He was content to cuddle her for now, but she knew that he’d go back to old habits as soon as she stood up to set the table.

“They might learn to like you if you didn’t try so hard to make them part of your pack,” she said out loud. The dog whined and looked up at her.

“Well, you could at least give it a try!” It had been a long time since she’d carried on both halves of a conversation. As nice as it was to have her sons living with her again, Daphne missed the solitude of her old life. There was something to be said for quietly stewing in your own thoughts sometimes, and that was hard to do while looking after two small children and an old, forgetful woman in someone else’s house.

Daphne patted Lemon’s head absentmindedly as she stirred the beans and watched the tea pot. It should start boiling soon, and she wanted to have hot tea ready for everyone as soon as they were ready to eat. Normally she would have checked the tablet again for new messages, but whatever was powering it had slowly faded away. Now she couldn’t get it to turn on no matter what part of it she touched. The device had been tucked away in the bedroom for safekeeping until they met someone who knew what went wrong.

She heard the sound of boots stomping. Ephraim and Isaac must be finished with their chores by now. Maybe they’d even found something to add to the small pot of beans bubbling over the fire. In better days it would have fed half their number, but Daphne was grateful that they had anything at all. With autumn in full swing things were bound to get better soon.

Mariposa’s house wasn’t exactly home, but it would do for now.

…To be continued in January 2014!

Here is this week’s list of blog posts and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

Snobs Kill Books via matthaig1. I’ve never understood the concept of hating something because it’s too mainstream. When I recommend a book at On the Other Hand it’s because I loved it. Genre and the level of popularity has nothing to do with it except with how I found out it existed. Some of the people who recommend books to me are into very mainstream authors. Others aren’t. Both groups are highly appreciated.

Chanukah, Feminism, and the Heroism of Yehudit. This is a really interesting story.

Ma’am, Miss, Lady… what do I say? The comment section isn’t anything to write home about, but the blog post itself is full of smart observations about the types of titles society does and does not give to women.  Sometimes the concept of micro-aggressions is taken too seriously. This is not one of them.

Choose to Make Christmas Merry via JesusNeedsNewPR. My husband and I have set similar boundaries. It’s glorious.

Why Can’t We Just Talk About Sex? I think it boils down to judgment. Talking about your sex life opens the door to other people’s opinions on who you’re sleeping with, what kinds of sex you’re having, what type of birth control you are or are not using (assuming you’re doing the sorts of things that could potentially lead to pregnancy), and a whole host of other issues that can be quite controversial in certain circles. There are some damn good reasons why sex, religion, politics, and money have traditionally been considered off-limits for polite conversation. I completely support the idea of other people feeling comfortable talking about this stuff, but this is still a fairly private topic for me.

News Is Bad For You – And Giving Up Reading It Will Make You Happier via TammySchoch. My life is much calmer and happier since I stopped following the news. I still hear the really important stuff through Twitter or conversations with friends, but I no longer have to filter through all of those alarming stories that make the world seem like a much scarier place than it actually is.

Punctuation Social Personalities. To this list I’d add:

)( Continues to drag controversial topics back into the fray in the faint hope of changing your mind.

% Loves playing devil’s advocate to keep the conversation “balanced.”

~ More interested in knowing why you believe than what you believe.

<) Would rather eat an ice-cream cone than debate.

**** Curses for the shock value of it, but would never use the same language in front of his or her grandparents.

:O Loves to gossip. Terrible at keeping secrets.

:1 Has nothing useful to say, so says nothing.

 

How to Wake Up: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide to Navigating Joy and Sorrow makes a lot of sense.

I’m not Buddhist, but their teachings about living in the moment and not becoming too attached to the way things are resonates with me. This book is written for those of us who appreciate Buddhist wisdom without necessarily believing everything it teaches. I don’t think you need to agree with everything in order to glean some good stuff out of Buddhist thought, and this is a great place to start.

What have you been reading?

This is the perfect short film to watch if you’re starting to get annoyed with all of the Christmas music playing everywhere.

If the video doesn’t play, click here.