December 2013 Search Engine Questions

Photo by Mbruciak.

Photo by Mbruciak.

Sometimes readers find this blog through unusual search terms. Here are my responses to the ones that showed up last month. 

How do you solicit a donation from amazon.com? Go here.

Can I keep my child away from his grandparents in Ontario? So far yes. It’s very, very sad when it happens, but this is one of those things that should be worked out without outside influences. It’s not our place to judge how other people live. ,Whether the parents were justified in their decision or not the truth always comes out eventually. Kids are intelligent, and by the time they reach adulthood they’ll know if they were being protected from extremely dangerous relatives or sheltered from loving, caring ones. (Or some shade of grey between the two).

How long does it take to forgive a friend? Between 30 seconds and a lifetime.

How to forgie someone without saying it? I can only assume you’re part of this family and want to know how to add to it.

Option #1: If you have a uterus and would like to use it, ask someone you know and trust to lend you some sperm. With any luck you’ll have a baby by next autumn. And babies don’t talk.

Option #2: Marry someone who doesn’t speak.

Option #3: Adopt one or more children, but never teach them how to pronounce your last name.

😉

When shouldn’t you wear eye liner? When you know you’ll be applying it with a shaky hand.

Is “on the other hand” a metaphor? Technically it’s an idiom. I picked that name for my blog because I want my readers to look at issues from every angle. Few things annoy me more than black and white world thinking. Yes, I realize it’s a little bit of a contradiction, but I have trouble being patient with people who think that their way is the only one.

Should a pastors kid be better than other children?  I understand the urge to set a good example, but that’s a ton of pressure to place on someone who has no say in the matter. It’s better, I think, to focus on your own behaviour. That’s all any of us can actually control.

What is Wes Moores attitude toward wearing uniform? I’d imagine that he’s in favour of it. If I ever meet him in person I will ask him!

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Secular Meditation Redux

Photo by Miguel Virkkunen Carvalho.

Photo by Miguel Virkkunen Carvalho.

Longterm readers may remember how I dabbled with secular mediation a few years ago.

This is generally how those sessions went:

Ok, it’s time to meditate! 

Shoo, thoughts.

<silence>

How long have I been doing this?

<silence>

The silence is nice, but how do I know when to stop? 

<silence>

How long has it been, again? What if I fall asleep?

I’m not Buddhist, but the idea of meditating is very appealing to me. Unfortunately the actual practice of it has been pretty elusive. Once every year or so I’d try it again with equally non-meditative results.

And then late last year I discovered Calm. It’s a free meditation site that can be used in a few different ways. You can set a timer on the site and otherwise not interact with it at all. You could also participate in their prerecorded guided meditation exercises, download the Calm app, or set a timer and simply listen to the instrumental background music they play continuously.

I didn’t expect this, but my favourite part of the Calm site is their guided meditation exercises. They are as short as 2 and as long as 20 minutes in length. As a beginner I find it really helpful to follow someone else’s prompts, although I suspect there may come a time when I no longer need this guidance.

The background noise on it’s own is a little distracting for me because it cycles between nature sounds and instrumental music so rapidly.

It will be interesting to see if I can keep up this new habit!

If you meditate, how did you learn how to make it a longterm part of your daily routine?

 

 

 

 

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Suggestion Saturday: January 4, 2014

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, humorous articles, short stories, and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

From Morgan: A Lyric:

We talked a number of times about his decision over the next several weeks, though we both knew he had no real choice. I repeated what so many had observed: given the rigor and discipline of his therapy, given his unusual muscular strength and the excellent condition of his heart, of all his organs other than the lungs, there could be no more ideal candidate for transplant. He simply needed time to contend with the fear, and to accept the enormity of the challenges—and risks—he faced.

 A Report on Alien Life via Skelemika.  How would you describe an alien species unlike anything you’ve ever seen before?

Neon Flames. I found two different online art programs recently. This is the first one I came across, and I’ll share the other one next week. What I like about this site is its use of colour. The site I’ll be sharing next week is much more responsive to small movements in your mouse or keypad, but this one allows you to blend different colours in some very creative and beautiful ways.

I Tried Cosmo’s Weirdest Sex Tips So You Don’t Have To. This is the funniest damn thing I’ve read in 2013. Not a work-safe link.

Dear Lips. The whole blog is entertaining, but this is a great place to start.

Can We Talk about Susan’s Fabulous Adventures after Narnia? For anyone who doesn’t understand the reference, Susan is a main character early on in the Narnia series who is later written out of the narrative with the explanation that she now likes wearing lipstick and nylons. Because of this terrible “betrayal” she’s no longer considered to be a Friend of Narnia. I loved The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe as well as most of its  sequels as a kid, but I always hated how C.S. Lewis abandoned one of his most interesting characters. This post describes what Susan’s life might have actually been like after she grew up.

How I Met Batman. The less you know about this beforehand the better. No, it’s not fiction, I just think my readers will enjoy it more if they start reading with as few preconceptions as possible.


The Rebellion of Miss Lucy Ann Lobdell is the perfect book with which to begin 2014.

Imagine growing up in a society whose social restrictions on you are so tight they feel like a strand of fishing wire wrapped around your throat. You can’t breath, you can’t speak, and if you move an inch they will slice your skin open. Because you were born female the list of things that you are allowed to do is miniscule. You can get married and have a house full of children, you can live at home with your parents or another relative, or you can become a teacher for a short time before settling into what preferably would be the first option.

Miss Lucy Ann chose a different path entirely. This fascinating tale is written from the point of view of a woman who chose to start living as a man in a time when doing so was extremely dangerous.

Not to mention the fact that Miss Lucy Ann had to abandon her own child in order to earn enough money to take care of her.

What have you been reading?

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After the Storm: Part Thirty-Seven

Photo by Dustin Gilbert, http://www.flickr.com/photos/randomesquephoto/.

Photo by Dustin Gilbert, http://www.flickr.com/photos/randomesquephoto/.

Just tuning in? Start here. 

“Girl, you know that isn’t good for you,” Daphne wiped the sweat off of her forehead as a pale, young woman dragged an impossibly old dresser out of the back room. “You shouldn’t be working so hard in this heat.”

Mariposa smiled wryly at the older woman.  What heat? It was the middle of February, and a particularly cool one at that.

“You can only stay in bed for so long,” she replied after a long moment of silence that coated every inch of air between them like a miniature haboob. “It feels good to move.”

Harrumph. Daphne opened her mouth to push the issue and then closed it again. If there was one thing she’d learned about the girl since they’d moved in it was that Mariposa was even more obstinate than her mother-in-law. Since being pushed into making a particular decision had never worked for Daphne she had little reason to believe that it would be effective on someone who acted so much like her.

“Will you at least come inside and eat some lunch?” Most of the vegetables weren’t ripe yet, of course, but Daphne had gathered what she could from their backyard garden to supplement the last of their dried food. It would be nice to have fresh meals again for a few months. She leaned heavily on her cane as she slowly stood up and brushed the dust off of her tunic.

“Are Felix and Wilma back yet?” They were honestly too young to be bringing water back on their own, but neither Daphne nor Mariposa was physically capable of performing that chore at the moment. Daphne’s knee had slowly but steadily grown more painful, while Mariposa’s confinement was a much less permanent one.

“No, but they should be soon. Come in and have some tea with me while they wait.”

From the outside the house had changed very little in the last four years. No one had expected Daphne and her family to stay more than a fortnight, but once they realized they’d need to live with Mariposa at least through the winter Ephraim and Isaac had constructed a temporary shelter for the animals. In bitterly cold weather they would be invited into the house, of course, but three rooms was already a tight squeeze for the five adults, two children, and two territorial cats who needed the warmth even more.

Lemon lasted an hour in the lean-to that first night before his howls woke up the household. The mule didn’t mind sleeping away from the noisy humans, but a dog who had spent his first 8 weeks curled up next to his siblings and the next seven years keeping Daphne company was not about to be separated from her.

“Ambrosia is not going to like this,” Mariposa had said as Daphne lead her old companion to her corner of the room.

“I’ll keep them separated,” came a groggy reply. Within minutes Daphne and the dog were sleeping, his head tucked under her arm. Within hours the cats had learned to avoid that corner of the room for fear of encouraging the yellow beast to lick them, and after a few days they’d negotiated an uneasy peace. The storage room where Daphne and her sons slept was Lemon’s territory. The rest of the house belonged to the cats, although they pretended not to notice when he walked in and out the front door.

A soft whine interrupted Daphne’s walk down memory lane. An orange tabby had her old friend pinned to the floor, and as Daphne walked into the main room the cat paused for a moment before going back to his grooming rituals.

“That’s what you get for rolling around in the dust,” she teased as Apple began washing the dog’s ears. The mixture of pleasure and embarrassment on his face tickled the corners of her mouth. Daphne had hoped they would adjust to one another once conditions in Mingus grew worse and she knew they wouldn’t be returning for a long time, but she never expected the cats to become so comfortable around him that they began imposing their sense of hygiene on a creature who would honestly much rather avoid a bath.

It was an easy lunch to cobble together. Daphne had mixed up the bread dough as soon as the first streaks of daylight painted the sky, so all that was left was washing the vegetables and setting out the plates as Mariposa started heating up water for tea and checked on the baby.

When the table was set Daphne glanced at the stone out of habit. She’d set it on the kitchen table to catch the morning sunlight in the hope that it would charge up enough to turn on today. No such luck. The inbox was empty and there were no new messages. In fact, it didn’t look as if anyone had logged on in months.

Sometimes messages popped up when you least expected them to, though, and more than once Daphne had read a half-finished letter that later disappeared from view. The HantaFlu, as people had begun calling it, seriously disrupted the lines of communication in the capitol. For nearly a year there hadn’t been any messages from President Whyte at all, and even when the senate began meeting again it had taken another year for them to resume regular communications with the colonies.

That is what New Arizona was, after all. Or at least what it was supposed to be. Peoria might be governing herself for now, but Daphne had no illusions about who would really be in charge if the soldiers returned.  Her adopted home had neither the weapons nor the manpower to stop them.

Yet.

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After the Storm: The Story so Far

Several months ago I started blogging chapters from a post-apocalyptic novel I’ve been writing. I’ve had a bump in readership since then and thought it would be helpful to provide a brief synopsis of what’s happened so far for anyone just tuning in now.

Interested in catching up before the novel resumes later on this week? Start here.  Skip everything after this sentence if you don’t want spoilers.

Daphne is a older single mother to two teenage sons who recently moved away to start apprenticeships. She lives in a small, rural community called Mingus in what used to be Arizona, and she’s known in her community as an eccentric, stubborn, and not necessarily trustworthy individual. (You’ll have to read the first half  of the book yourself to determine if any of these accusations are true. 😉 )

After the Storm begins with Daphne desperately trying to avoid a flash flood. While sitting on top of a hill and waiting for the water to go down she spies a stranger who tries to continue on with his journey too soon. He’s swept away by the current and drowns before anyone has a chance to speak to him, although a waterlogged book in his possession eventually yields a few tantalizing clues about why he might have travelled to Mingus. 

The next few weeks are quiet until a mysterious ailment begins killing people in Mingus at around the same time that soldiers from a city that claims to be the new capital move into the valley. Crops wither or rot as whole families are stricken by this ailment. Despite her fear of her neighbours Daphne is voluntold to take a place on the ruling body of Mingus due to severe a lack of able-bodied adults who can take on the role. All of her experience with the justice system have shown her how corrupt and prejudiced small town politics can be, and she has no reason to think it’s changed in the intervening years.

Daphne’s nosy neighbour, Neveah, and her family are particularly hard hit by the virus.  When nearly all of the adults in that family die within days of one another, Daphne’s empathetic son Ephraim convinces her to take in the two small children and one very elderly woman who survived. One of the children was born with a physical difference that makes him an easy target in a society that has long since forgotten how genetics work. The polytheistic religion that many of her neighbours follow teaches that people like him aren’t to be trusted, especially during long periods of bad luck.

Without enough food to feed almost twice as many people as Daphne’s gardens normally support, the summer is long, hot, and miserable. A series of run-ins with the soldiers gives Daphne a chilling glimpse of the society that sent them. The people of Mingus are promised free medical care from a culture much more advanced than their own, yet they end up submitting to tests that do more harm than good and home inspections that are erratic and sometimes extremely dangerous. 

As fall draws near things become more dire. Mingus is growing more and more wary of the soldiers’ interference in their daily lives, and one of Daphne’s fellow ombudsmen is beginning to help her reach out to other communities in an attempt to fight back. Between starvation and disease Mingus is quickly losing social cohesion, so they have to act fast.

In one of the final scenes of the first half of the book, a neighbour warns Daphne that people are beginning to turn against anyone they perceive as different. She and her family escape to Peoria, a neighbouring town, to wait out the chaos. They expect to only be gone a few weeks.

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The Cupboard Mice: A Parable

Mice_(1)Originally posted on February 21, 2013.

A family of mice once lived in a drafty old farmhouse.

“They’re going to set a trap and we’re all going to die!” the oldest mouse squeaked every time someone forgot the rules: no squeaking, don’t leave droppings on the dishes, and never capture the cat’s attention. No one remembered what a trap was any longer, only that it was something terrible people did when they noticed mice.

As the family grew it became more difficult to follow the rules.

“We’ll be safe in this house if we teach the young mice that cheese is forbidden,” the oldest mouse insisted every time the humans shuffled into the kitchen. They’d lived in this farmhouse for decades and had begun to have trouble moving around.

A young mouse asked, “What makes you think there’s any danger? The humans don’t even seem to know we exists.”

“Not yet,” said the oldest mouse. “But the cat can smell us. Why do you think we avoid his territory?”

The young mouse wasn’t sure she believed it was that dangerous and decided to explore the rest of the house. The cat in question was old and docile.

“You’re all going to die!” insisted the oldest mouse as the rest of her nestlings slowly moved out of the kitchen and closer to the radiators. The humans had grown accustomed to leaving dirty plates on the floor and so the wanderers had food and a warm place to sleep during the long winter. Soon she was the only mouse left in the kitchen.

Every week or two the younger mice came to visit. She always made sure they knew how dangerous their lives had become since moving away. Some of her visitors smiled politely and nibbled the stale crackers she provided, others tried to gently reason with her. No one could change her mind, though, and she died at the first flush of spring without any of her warnings coming to pass.

 

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Suggestion Saturday: December 28, 2013

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, poems, comics, sketches, and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

East Hastings via jtvancouver. Such creativity. Although I never want to visit East Hastings now! Hehe.

Objects Blended with Simple Sketches. I love this kind of art. Be sure to click on the link to part one of this series at the bottom of this link. It’s just as fascinating!

The Other Side of the Story. The author of this piece was abused by her eighth grade History teacher when she was 14 and he was 23. In the essay she talks about what happened during and after that time in her life. Fair warning: certain details may be disturbing to some readers.

From Vanilla via aBelaney:

 It was my crutch.  It was my refuge.  Ultimately, it was my executioner. I find myself railing against these circumstances that robbed me of perhaps another thirty years to put out my message.  I could have accomplished so much more.  It was my weakness that overpowered my strength.

It’s Sunday, Will I Be Seeing You at Church Today? Whether prayer bothers me depends on the circumstances. If they’re being used to push someone else’s religious beliefs on me or in ways that would not be accepted if the tables were turned it’s an issue. If they’re used as a substitute for sentiments like “I’m thinking of you,” or “I hope it all turns out well” I’m 100% fine with it. With that being said, this comic strip is seriously hilarious.

From Turning the Leaves:

We count our birds. We read their wings. We script
stories in the scrim of puddled ice, tell tales
to ease the winter in. We sing

From Secrets:

I am no stranger to holding my breath. I’ve ghosted through these family gatherings most of my life, at moments performing good daughterhood so well that I almost forget how much I have to hide and swallow in order to belong. But good daughterhood is a performance that must be continually enacted, reinforced, and that is where I fail.

My reading list has grown thin. What are you reading?

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The Case for Getting Married If You Want to and When You’re Ready

694px-PolyloveThis post was inspired by a tweet from Grace: “‘The Case for getting married if you want to and when you are ready.’ Someone get on this.” Originally posted on March 28, 2013.

Marriage isn’t only for opposite sex, monogamous couples who want to have kids. It should be an option for any constellation of consenting adults for the following reasons:

Symbols matter. Of course you can have love and commitment without marriage (or marriage without love or commitment) but the act of reciting vows or slipping a ring onto your finger is a powerful reminder of your emotional bond.

Longterm relationships are difficult. Sometimes you’ll be so frustrated with your significant other(s) that you wonder why you ever fell for them. Marriage is a public proclamation of your love and commitment that invites your community to share your joy and pain. A promise spoken out loud in front of everyone carries more weight than one you think but never say because it transforms an intention into a tangible demonstration of your emotions.

OttersHoldingHands

Photo by Penyulap.

Sympathetic friends and family members can also pull you through these tough times by reminding you why you married your spouse(s). Don’t underestimate the value of listening to outside opinions when you find yourselfhashing over the same issues with your significant other(s). Not all of this advice will be useful, of course, but sometimes a fresh point of view can help you understand the parts of your marriage that aren’t working well at the moment.

It protects you legally. To give just a few examples, if your spouse becomes extremely ill you automatically have next-of-kin status at the hospital. Upon their death you automatically inherit their assets if there isn’t a will. You can foster or adopt children jointly. Sponsoring a spouse for residency or immigration is faster and easier than sponsoring other relatives.

Should these benefits be constricted to married people? The answer to that question would fill its own blog post but right now marriage comes with a long list of benefits that aren’t available to the legally single.

 Married people have more satisfying sex lives. Ignore all of the TV shows and movies that portray marriage as an instant libido killer. Statistically speaking married couples have more and better sex than the single folks we assume are having much more fun than us. Trust and communication are incredibly sexy once you’ve been together long enough to know exactly how to turn your partner(s) on emotionally and physically.

The institution is evolving. Almost everyone living in the west chooses their own spouses and marries for love. The system is far from perfect but we are slowly creating a society that accepts a wide variety of ways to live. I believe there is great value in  changing our cultural expectations of marriage to a more inclusive and egalitarian form of it.

In no way does this mean that everyone must get married. What makes me happy might make you miserable but it can be a beautiful experience if it’s something you’re interested in pursuing.

Respond

Do you agree with me? What have been your experiences with marriage?

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Creating a (Chosen) Family

Photo by AgnosticPreachersKid.

Photo by AgnosticPreachersKid.

Originally published on August 15, 2013.  I thought this post is especially relevant for people who are no longer in contact with their families of origin this holiday season.

Someone recently found this blog by googling, “how to find others who don’t have family to celebrate with.” It broke my heart to think about the lonely person behind that search phrase, so today I thought I’d give him or her some ideas.

The wonderful thing about chosen relatives is that, well, you get to decide who you want to claim as one of your own. Being related to someone through blood, marriage, or adoption in no way guarantees anything about what kind of relationship you’ll have with them. Some families are exceptionally close, others rarely get together. Some are warm and supportive, others are highly dysfunctional.

Everyone needs a few chosen family members, even those of us who have many supportive relatives. There’s no such thing as a family that is too large or a social network that is too strong, and it’s wonderful to expand those circles when you meet the right people.

From what I’ve seen, chosen families develop slowly over time.

The people I’ve added to my family at various times in my life have shown up in all sorts of ways. Several started out as avatars on a message board I frequented years ago. Well, technically they were real people using avatars on a message board, but it wasn’t until I got to know them over a long period of time that I felt as if we were kin.

Others I met through my spouse or parents. Look around your current circle of friends and pay attention to who else they spend time with. You might find likeminded people just one social circle away.

I would also recommend putting this quest on the back burner and helping someone else. Volunteer for your favourite charity, or if you already volunteer see if there are any other organizations that need help setting up or running an event. Or show up for the festival/concert/fundraiser and see who you can strike up a conversation with there.

What labels are part of your identity? If there is an organization dedicated to your occupation/ethnicity/sexual orientation/(lack of) religion anywhere near you they might host something special over the holidays.

Readers, what have I missed? How did you first meet your closest friends, the ones that act like relatives?

 

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People Aren’t Projects

Originally posted on March 11, 2013. 

“Let’s go talk to the street preachers!” Drew teased this past weekend. I raised my eyebrow and glanced over at him, trying not to roll my eyes.

Muslim, Jewish or Christian, street evangelists in Toronto share the same goal: to convert you. Certain groups loudly berate (female) strangers they think are too scantily clad. A handful are mentally ill, arguing with people who aren’t really there or exhibiting disorganized thought patterns if you listen to what they have to say. Others are quite friendly and knowledgable, especially if you can get them to discuss something other than religion.

After a year or two of living here I began avoiding all of them because people aren’t projects. It’s just as inappropriate to yell at strangers that they’re all going to hell as it is to take advantage of an existing friendship to push the issue.

Evangelism isn’t just a religious phenomenon, though. I’ve seen people use forms of friendship evangelism to convince others to:

  • Eat certain foods
  • Avoid other foods
  • Lose weight
  • Gain weight
  • Own a car
  • Use public transit
  • Get pregnant 
  • Raise your kid my way
  • Switch to reusable shopping bags*
  • Vote only for candidates from party X 

Regardless of whether those around them actually needed advice or had any intention of considering unsolicited input.

Do some of these urges come from a good place? Yes. Wanting other people to experience the same joy you do from a certain experience or decision is completely understandable but adults are responsible for their own lives.

Attempting to transform a friendship into a situation in which one person knows best for another taints every interaction. Am I asking about your latest doctor’s visit because I’m genuinely concerned or because I want you to buy megadoses of a particular vitamin that is sure to fix your incurable disease? Are you wondering for whom I voted in the last provincial election because you are thinking about voting for someone new or so you can make sure I’m not a Pauper?

It comes down to this: debating differences of opinion is healthy. By all means question the why and what of other people’s ideas and identity’s but condensing another human being to where they stand on one issue and then trying to “fix” that part of them doesn’t build trust. It erodes it.

*Yes, I have actually seen so-called grown ups get snippy about this one.

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