Suggestion Saturday: January 15, 2011

Before we jump into this week’s list of great stuff I wanted to tell you about my new, free newsletter.  It will contain advanced notice for my future writing projects and other exclusive content. Sign up for it here or in the box on the righthand side of this page. Your personal information will never be shared in any way.

Now on to Suggestion Saturday!

The Appearance of Wisdom. Where is the line between warning someone about something in their life that you consider to be (potentially?) dangerous and squelching their interests or personal development? Hop over to my friend Sarah’s blog for a fascinating discussion of this topic.

Should a Woman Hire a Sex Worker to Lose Her Virginity? I’d never considered the possibility of a woman doing this. Somehow it seems much less odd for men. I wonder why my brain makes such a distinction between the two?

From My Problem with the “Devil” and “Evil“:

Blaming a cosmic enemy takes the problem out of our hands and moves the power to fix the issue beyond our reach. When we say, “evil” is the cause, we don’t realize that we are simply tossing the issue into a catch-all pot for the things that we label “wicked” when we don’t have any other explanation.

The Working Poor at Walt Disney World. These videos take about half an hour to watch. They are worth every minute of it. Canadian workers tend to have a higher minimum wage but those at the lowest rungs face many of the same issues as the individuals in this video. There’s something deeply wrong about someone who works hard 50 hours a week not having enough money to buy medicine or food at the end of the month. The minimum wage should be high enough to cover these things.

What have you been reading?

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It’s Never Just Gossip

Let’s begin with a one-sentence working definition of gossip for the purpose of this post: saying or listening to information (true or otherwise) about someone that you wouldn’t feel comfortable participating in if that person was standing next to you.

Between a difficult half-dozen or so years in school and growing up as a preacher’s kid in a series of small, insular towns I spent a good chunk of my childhood avoiding the ridiculous stories other people shared about me and my family.

The most important lesson I learned from those experiences is that it’s never just gossip. Listening to or spreading the latest juicy earful, even if it seems to be harmless speculation, can permanently damage your relationships for the following reasons:

It erodes trust. Most people consistently exhibit the same types of behaviours over time. If someone wants to share the latest titillating rumour about so-and-so I can only assume that they’re saying equally unflattering things about me when I’m not around. This makes it extremely difficult to share anything with them that I’m not ready for the entire world to know and if I can’t trust someone with at least some private or highly personal information we probably won’t be spending much time together in the future.

Words have sharp edges. They can destroy reputations and annihilate a lifetime of trust in one conversation. If I’m going to influence someone else’s life I want to build them up instead of tearing them down. Destruction is easier and faster but the only thing it leaves behind is emotional rubble. I want to be and do more than that.

You don’t know what you don’t know. Outward appearances and our assumptions about what is going on should never be taken as substitutions for the truth. They can point towards it but ultimately we can never truly know what is in the heart or mind of someone else unless and until they tell us.

Criticism is a habit. The more you practice it the easier it is to view others, the world and yourself with a critical and unforgiving eye. We need more grace and acceptance in our lives, not nitpicking or condemnation so this is how I try to treat both others and myself. Criticism does have its place in certain situations…but I believe it is a far smaller one than most people think.

I’d include celebrity “gossip” in this as well.  Hearing that so-and-so is getting married, having a baby or won a prestigious award is fine. Rumours about alleged personal problems or nit-picking someone else’s appearance, family status or religious/ethical beliefs are activities that I find rather offensive. If it isn’t something I’d want to be said about me or someone I love why would it be somehow ok to do it to a stranger?

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Seeking Inspiration

I thought I’d try another interactive post. (hopefully) The bulk of this post will be hammered out in the comments.

Inspiration

Where do you find it?

How do you know where to look?

Where do you keep it once it has come to visit?

what does it look, smell, taste, sound, feel like?

How do you encourage it to come back?

In My Experience

Deciding “I’m going to be inspired starting….now” never works. It happens when it happens. You can’t force it to show up or make it appear in certain ways. Doing so would be about as fruitful as catching smoke with a butterfly net. (Photo credit.) It is what it is and it will come and go as it pleases. Often I come up with ideas at the most inopportune times: while engaging in a conversation from which I cannot easily untangle or when I’m in a situation in which it is difficult to take a minute and write down what I’m thinking.

It sometimes takes unexpected paths. That’s ok. Detours can lead you to incredible places. Don’t worry about where you were supposed to go or where you will end up. Enjoy the journey.

Ideas travel in packs. When one shows up more often follow.

Write it down. Most importantly: be sure to jot down moments of inspiration as soon as possible. One of the most frustrating things about writing is when I forget something just before I’m able to commit at least a few words of it to paper.

Respond

What do you know of inspiration? What inspires you? How do you collect and manage new ideas?

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Suggestion Saturday: January 8, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, comic strips, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web. (Photo credit.)

The “M” in Morality. Can everything be divided into good and evil? What does it mean to be moral? Why is morality important to humans but irrelevant to more solitary species? Click on the link to find out. One day, ‘Seph, we’re going to have to sit down and hash out these questions over a cold drink. 🙂

Myth-Making and the “We Can Do It!” Poster. Which picture do you think of when I mention Rosie the Riveter? I just recently found out that the poster most commonly associated with this World War II character isn’t actually the real Rosie.

Your Local Christian Bookstore. A comic strip about one of the great gender divides at Christian bookstores. I’ve noticed the same phenomenon in secular bookstores, though: (straight) women are somehow responsible for their entire relationship while men are rarely if ever asked or shown how to do the same thing. 99% of the advice books are for and about the women and promote extremely traditional, rigid gender roles. It’s as if that section of the bookstore oozed out of the 1950s and I’d be far less annoyed by it all if other options for constructing a relationship were at least mentioned!

A Bilbo Baggins Vibe. I love it when unrelated media (in this case a comic strip) references Lord of the Rings.

Barbara Ehrenreich and The Law of Attraction. An excellent video that illustrates the most troubling aspects of the Law of Attraction and other positive thinking bullshit. I rarely if ever cuss on this blog or in real life but the massive numbers of people who are manipulated and bamboozled by these ridiculous (and in some cases psychologically abusive) movements makes me incredibly angry.

How Bad is Welfare Fraud in the USA? A great discussion about welfare fraud in the United States. When I was growing up there I heard stories about people making a great deal of money through defrauding social assistance. It always sounded like an urban legend to me.

What have you been reading?

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Hiking in 2011

A while ago Abby at New Urban Habitat posted a link to this article about how children today are spending much less time outdoors than did their parents or grandparents. The average kid spends 7 hours and 38 minutes a day watching tv and playing on the computer.

I’ll Admit It

I spend a lot of time online these days, probably too much. Some of this is due to the unusually hot summer we had this year and the fact that it’s January now and rather chilly. When the weather is less extreme I do spend more time outdoors.

Of course, I’ve only been in our new home a few days. I don’t yet know the neighbourhood routines and while this seems like a great area to live in it does take a little while to find a new pattern of living. Drew has read about some animal attacks out here in B.C. due to the overlap in new suburban developments and the traditional territory of certain predators that are now beginning to run low on food.

I’m not worried about being attacked; I’m simply aware of my lack of local knowledge at the moment.

(Interestingly enough, I actually feel safer here in Canada than I did in the small Ohio town I lived in before moving north. Sidewalks and street lamps are maintained to a much higher standard, there are far more pedestrians and fewer people here believe that living in a good, Christian community means that one never has to think about these things or that bad things only happen to bad people.)

2011 Shift

At a certain point, though, all of these obstacles simply become excuses. When I am able to hike or walk at a park I come home invigorated body and soul. There’s something refreshing about being completely surrounded by trees for a few hours or even just taking a brisk walk or jog around the block. I know I should do these things more often. Rather than making it a New Year’s resolution that is quickly forgotten, though, I am committing myself to making small changes over time. I’m exercising indoors a few times a week for now in preparation for something I’m really looking forward to getting back into next year.

The photo on your right was taken somewhere in British Columbia. I want to find this place and even if I cannot find it if the trails we hike on are even half as rugged and beautiful as this one I’ll be thrilled!

My aunt and uncle are avid hikers and outdoors(wo)men. Listening to their stories about the various adventures they’ve had in the great outdoors is encouraging me to get back into at least the former activity. As a child my family spent a fair amount of time hiking on family-friendly trails and for several years we also spent most of our vacations going camping.

Over the next few months I’ll be doing research, slowly getting into better shape and spending less time staring at screens and figuring out where I want to hike first in the spring. At this point I’m uninterested in rock climbing…although a year ago I didn’t spend much time  thinking about hiking!

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Three Adventures

The First Adventure

Mumble, mumble years ago my grandfather’s younger sister made an uncommon decision. Her five siblings were  content to remain in the midwest, raise thriving, big families and then watch their grandchildren grow up.

My conjecture of this time in her life is that Aunt Jan wanted to do something else. After college graduation she moved to Arizona. For two years she and Aunt Fay were employed by the federal government teaching at a reservation school for a few years. Both aunts learned quickly not to hug their students or praise their hard work in public because these things weren’t culturally appropriate in that setting.

When I was growing up the aunts would fly back to visit the extended family in Ohio every year or so. They brought us oranges and grapefruit that tasted like warm, spring sunshine. It always ruined me for store-bought citrus for weeks after they returned home.

Slowly I hear just a little more about their adventures every year, the most interesting stories dribbling out when I least expect them. I savour each one like the fruit they used to bring and wonder what else I will learn the next time we meet. It isn’t easy to ask for stories about adventures that I haven’t heard yet, though. How do you request something when you don’t know its name?

It seems to me that as many stories as I’ve heard from Aunt Jan there are far more that have yet to be shared. I think of the rest as the other half of her adventures! 🙂

The Second Adventure

Just before my 22nd birthday I moved to Toronto to begin a life together with the man I loved. It was difficult to move so far away from my nuclear and extended family but I knew that remaining in the midwest and raising a houseful of children wasn’t the right path for me. I wasn’t suited for that life and really wanted to know some other options.

Today Drew and I are moving to British Columbia. We were more than ready for a change:  temperate weather, a more casual culture, and a brand new neighborhood and city to explore.

We have some savings and a goal: to make a living from writing. This is our adventure. I will share our triumphs and failures (but hopefully mostly the former!) with you in the coming months.

What has been or will be your adventure? What paths have you deliberately followed? From which ones have you purposefully wandered?

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Blogs You Should Be Following

A few times each year on Suggestion Saturday I will talk about blogs not listed in my links (with one exception in this post) that I highly recommend checking out. They’re arranged loosely by topic. Share your favourite sites in the comment section!

Love, Sexuality & Relationships

Effing Dykes. This is the funniest blog I’ve ever read. One day I’d love to sit down for a cup of coffee with the author and laugh about the weirdnesses of our society.

The Polyamory Paradigm. Discussions on a wide variety of topics related to polyamory.

The American Virgin. The social constructs of that thing we call virginity. The best posts here are the interviews with adult virgins of various ages and from a wide array of backgrounds.

Religion & Spirituality

Hell? No! Why there is no such thing as hell. It is blogs like this one that keep my flicker of religious belief smouldering.

Catching Courage. This isn’t a typical blog about religion or spirituality. In the short time I’ve been following it I remember few if any references to God yet it nurtures my soul all the same.

Justice & Social Acceptance

Accepting Dad. A blog written by a father whose son is gender-nonconforming.

Feministing. Religion, politics, and pop culture from a feminist perspective.

Mona Eltahawy. Thoughts from a Muslim, Egyptian Feminist.

Green Living & Simplicity

The Frugal Vegan. Frugality and vegan food. I’ve found so many good recipes here!

New Urban Habitat. Sustainable city living.

Stone Soup. Simple, delicious meal preparation.

Other

Paleo-Future Blog. Images, articles and videos from what people thought the future would be like 20, 50, 100 years ago.

Tetrapod Zoology. Articles on unusual animals. Occasionally there are posts challenging readers to identify a particular species. I’ve never guessed it correctly but I will keep trying!

Heretic Underground. An obligatory link to my husband’s new site about unorthodox living. It launches today and I’m really looking forward to seeing what he has to say.

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Suggestion Saturday: January 1, 2011

Happy New Year! Here is this week’s list of blog posts, videos, quotes and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web. It is a little shorter than usual because there will be a second post showing up here later on this morning.

What if the Earth Had Rings Like Saturn? Sadly if our planet had rings we probably wouldn’t have a moon.

Worthless Food. Do you know which foods are nutritionally worthless? I couldn’t help but think of my mom, a nurse, when I first stumbled across this post. It sounds like something she would say if one of us asked her about good nutrition.

Stephen Fry on the Catholic Church. Fry seems like someone I’d like to meet. I don’t agree with everything he has to say about the Catholic church (or religion in general) but I do appreciate the ways in which he communicates his dis-satisfaction with the institution.

The Art of War:

If we do not wish to fight, we can prevent the enemy from engaging us even though the lines of our encampment be merely traced out on the ground. All we need do is to throw something odd and unaccountable in his way.
I will end this post with a quote from my friend Timothy Jobst:
A thought is just that; they come and go. You should be able to share any thought you might have, bar none. And receive them as well. They are innocuous and harmless. It is our belief and clinginess to them that makes our minds volatile, argumentative and disallowing. Share your thoughts with me anytime.

What have you been reading?

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What if You Are Wrong?

Commander Locke: Damnit, Morpheus, not everyone believes what you believe.
Morpheus: My beliefs don’t require them to.
The Matrix Reloaded


Here’s something to consider as we slip through last few days of 2010:

What if you are wrong?

What if your most strongly held beliefs or codes – religious, political, philosophical, ethical, moral – are false?

This is a question to which I return from time to time not because I seriously doubt my own beliefs but because there is always the possibility that I could be mistaken. In the past I have been known to switch opinions on a variety of topics after thoughtfully considering new ideas. It isn’t something I expect to happen again but I also never thought it would occur in the first place.

Everything that I’ve experienced so far has led to my current beliefs but I’m not omniscient. Religiously speaking, for example, there could be something that I’ve missed that obviously points to the:

  • Muslims
  • Christians
  • Neopagans
  • Atheists
  • Buddhists
  • Hindus
  • Jews
  • Taoists
  • Sikhs

having the corner on the truth.

Ultimately it is as important to know what one believes and why we believe it as it is to hold those convictions with a gentle reminder that I, you, we could be wrong.

My Rule of Thumb:

If someone cannot admit that there’s a possibility, as slim as it may be, that they don’t have the unadulterated truth I will take everything they say from that moment on with a few teaspoons of salt. One blind spot has already been uncovered. Of how many others are they also unaware?

There is a deep, quiet strength in ambiguity-flecked beliefs, in following hunches, assumptions or even convictions without the zeal of absolutism. Grey is not always a cobbled road between the black and white villages of truth and fairy stories; sometimes it is its own destination.


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What the Quiet People Are Thinking

Talkative folks, have you ever wondered what the quiet people in your social group are thinking? I can’t climb inside the minds of your friends but I can tell you what I’m thinking about at social gatherings as someone who is quiet in real life.

Sometimes I have nothing to say. This isn’t a negative thing. My mind simply doesn’t always have things to add to the conversation so I soak up what everyone else is discussing instead. I’m lucky to have a few friends who are amazing story-tellers in person or online and I could sit and listen to them (or read their sites) for hours without once uttering a peep.

I’m watching everyone’s body language. How you say something is much more important than what you’re actually saying. One can learn a lot about someone by how they move, sit and interact with everyone else.

Loquacious friends are awesome. I have friends who can talk a mile a minute and I love that about them. Every so often one of them will ask if their boisterous ways overwhelm me. Normally they don’t. If I hang out with someone it’s because we click. It is also riveting to hang out with people on the opposite side of the introvert/extrovert spectrum. We see the world in radically different ways and as cliched as this is going to sound there is definitely something to be said for embracing this and learning from one another.

I don’t have an opinion yet. If everyone is discussing, say, their favourite variety of sea cucumber or various theological interpretations of a particular bible verse I’m probably not going to jump into the middle of the debate.

You learn about others by listening to their stories. There’s nothing wrong with talking, of course, but if I want to get to know a new friend better it is best done by listening to what they say, how they say it and what they leave unsaid.

Rarely I’m quiet because someone has just put his or her foot in their mouth. I know that I’ve cringed over something I said that came out entirely wrong more than once. What was meant to be a lighthearted observation sometimes falls flat. Or maybe it was a question that was taken in entirely the wrong manner. Either way, I’d prefer that others ignore the dumb stuff that slips out of my mouth every so often so I do the same thing for them.

Finally silence isn’t a conversational cockroach. It doesn’t need to be exterminated. In fact, it can add to the conversation more than additional words if what would have been said is inane or repetitive. I’d rather my words mean something than talk just for the sake of exercising my larynx. 🙂

Respond

Fellow quiet people, have I missed anything? Do you disagree with any of my points?

Talkative people, what is your first reaction to a quiet friend at a social gathering? Did anything you read today surprise you?

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