Tag Archives: Boundaries

October 20, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Deconversion Guide: Holidays

Welcome to part five of the deconversion guide. Click here for the last entry. 

Some of the biggest holidays of the year are just around the corner. Now is the best time to start preparing for them.

Once again I’m going to be assuming that your loved ones a) know about your deconversion and b) that there is at least the potential for weirdness over this issue.

Of course, some families are extremely comfortable relating to members who don’t share their religion.

And even families who are obviously uncomfortable at one celebration may have a very different reaction at the next gathering. I’ve had a wide range of experiences – from painfully awkward to not an issue at all – with the same exact group(s) of relatives.

So it’s entirely possible that this won’t be an issue at all. If it is, though, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Church

If this is your first visit as a non-theist remember that, at least for some denominations, the feel of a Christmas/Thanksgiving/etc. service is completely different than it would be if you attended an ordinary service. You will almost certainly not be the only visitor there and it’s much less likely that you’ll be pressured into anything.

If you want to avoid church altogether, travel on the day(s) that your extended family typically attend church. For example, Christmas falls on a Sunday this year. There’s nothing wrong with arriving later in the day to sidestep the come to church with us! conversation.

(Incidentally, travelling in non-peak periods can lead to less expensive plane or bus tickets. If you’re driving, arriving a day before or after the crowds can cut down on your travel time, too.)

Traditions

I don’t mind sitting quietly through a prayer but would be extremely uncomfortable reading the story of Jesus’ birth aloud (which is one of the Christmas traditions of my maternal grandparents).

Every non-theist sees this differently but it wouldn’t be polite or kind for me to participate so intimately in something in which I don’t actually believe whether we’re talking about the Bible, Koran or Bhagavad Gita. Even though I vehemently disagree with certain beliefs I deeply love and respect my theist friends and family members. Pretending to to share their faith, even if everyone knows it’s just lip service, would be incredibly inappropriate.

If you know a particular tradition will be an issue think about how you’ll handle it ahead of time. I, for example, might ask one of the Christians in the family to volunteer to read those verses.

If you want to change some of your traditions figure out what you prefer to do instead:

  • Volunteer at a soup kitchen?
  • Have everyone share favourite childhood memories?
  • Bake cookies?
  • Listen for Santa’s sleigh on the roof?

I can’t promise that everyone will go along with it but it’s generally better to have an alternative activity in mind when you’re attempting to change something that has been happening for years.

Awkward Conversations

Oh, you know the ones. One minute you’re slicing the turkey breast on your plate or taking a lingering sip of coffee, the next great-uncle so-and-so swoops down for a friendly post-dinner interrogation.

Good times. 😉

I have relatives and friend with whom I’m comfortable talking about anything and others who are politely redirected to less personal topics.

If you’re like me and can easily get caught off-guard it might help to practice a few stock phrases:

“I’m happy with my life.”

“Thanks for your concern.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Or even outright conversational hijacks like:

“Can you believe how fast little William is growing? It seems like just yesterday he slept through dinner in his father’s arms. How are your kids/grandkids/pets doing these days?’

I’ve mentioned this here before but the message boards at Etiquette Hell are a fantastic resource for learning how to politely wiggle out of uncomfortable situations.

Respond

What are your favourite tricks and tips for getting through the holidays? Is there anything you wish you had known from the beginning?

(I’m leaving these questions a little vague on purpose. Please share your story in the comment section if you haven’t done so already.)

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September 5, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Deconversion Guide: Prayer

Part three of my series on life after faith. Click here for part two.

Today’s topic: Prayer.

How do you respond to prayer requests? What about praying before a meal? Is it polite to ask a well-meaning friend or family member not to pray for you?

Let’s talk about these one at a time.

Prayer Requests

Someone you care about is going through a hard time. At the end of their email or Facebook post they ask everyone to pray.

How should we respond to this? It seems dishonest to say, “yes! I’ll pray for you” if you don’t pray or believe in any gods (although getting out of that habit was really tough for me).

What is someone really asking for when they post a prayer request? Finding comfort in their religious beliefs is definitely a major part of it but I think there’s also a social aspect.

Most of the time friends and family don’t begin and end their side of the conversation with prayer. Advice or practical assistance – babysitting, bringing over a hot meal, helping with chores or errands that cannot be postponed- are usually offered as well.

Navigating the religious angle of it can be really awkward but anyone can offer to help in other ways.

Mealtime

This is probably one of the most common reasons that non-theists become a captive audience to prayer. It can also be something that is more difficult to opt out of discreetly if you are uncomfortable participating.

Usually I’m happy to sit quietly while others pray.  A notable exception to this are prayers like this:

Thank you, God, for this food. We love you so much. Please teach us how to serve you better for the rest of our lives. Amen.

because they assumes a relationship that at least one of us doesn’t actually have with the speaker’s god. Your mileage may vary but I’m not ethically comfortable being included in someone else’s relationship with their god.

Promises are also something I take extremely seriously. If I say I’ll be somewhere or do something I’m going to be or do it. The last time I broke a promise was last fall when a nasty bout of the flu left me too weak to do what I had agreed to do…and I still felt guilty for staying home that night. 🙂

So what are your options when you’re in a situation where the prayer before the meal becomes uncomfortable?

You could talk to the prayer leader about it. I wouldn’t recommend this in 99% of cases, though, especially if the meal is hosted by the person who will be praying. It’s far too easy for these things to be blown out of proportion.

In my experience people cannot be forced to understand how someone outside of their beliefs sees certain things. If it comes up in conversation I’ll share my thoughts but I haven’t seen much good come out of bringing it up personally.

Another options is to offer to host. Anyone who visits my house is welcome to pray silently or in a small group before the meal begins.

Also consider meeting at neutral locations like a restaurant or park. The more casual the event the less likely that public prayers of any kind will take place and almost everyone loves a picnic or barbecue!

Hard Times

I’ll cover this in depth in an upcoming post but one of the other most common reasons for a Christian to mention praying for you is when something bad happens. Someone dies, loses a job, is diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Some non-theists do not find this a comfort at all. I completely understand why it would bother someone. Maybe I’m a bad Agnostic ( 😉 )  but I would only find this personally offensive if it was followed up with any hint of pressure to join that person’s religion or talk to his or her spiritual advisor.

Saying “thanks” and then switching the topic is one of my favourite ways to respond to this sort of thing.

 Intent

Basically it all comes down to the intentions of the person offering or asking for prayer.

Does he or she want to convert you?

Is bringing up prayer a passive agressive act for this individual?

Is he trying to offer comfort?

Is she expressing sincerely held religious views?

Is prayer simply a habit for this individual?

There are many Christians in my life who would never cross that line. They sincerely respect my beliefs and are given a great deal of leeway when it come to these things.

Sometimes there are those who choose less respectful approaches. As I’ve mentioned in this series before, relationship history matters. You are the expert in figuring out what is happening with your friends and family.

Non-theists, theists, and everyone in-between: what have been your experiences with this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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August 18, 2011 · 9:09 am

How to Forgive Without an Apology

Imagine that someone you know just stepped on your toes.

“Ouch! That really hurt.”

Most of us would say something like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Are your feet ok?”

Sometimes, though, the response is, “I’ll walk where I want to walk. It’s up to you to keep your toes out of the way.”

What happens when the person who hurts you doesn’t apologize or even acknowledge what they did did wrong?

How do you forgive someone in this situation?

First, remember that forgiveness is not a synonym for reconciliation. You can completely forgive someone and still not trust them or have any interest in continuing the relationship.

As noble as it is to try to restore a broken relationship this cannot be accomplished unless everyone involved is working toward that goal. This is even more true when the person who damaged the relationship isn’t willing to own up to his or her actions.

Second, forgiveness isn’t ultimately about them or what happened.  Releasing your anger or bitterness is a gift to yourself. Forgiveness is a process. Most people don’t wake up one morning and decide, “I’m going to release my anger starting…now!” Just do as much as you can right now.

In the past I’ve visualized tying a balloon to my anger and watching it float away or pretending that I was chipping pieces from an ever-shrinking boulder. This may sound hokey but it has been pretty effective for me.

Third, don’t pretend everything is ok in the meantime. It isn’t (especially if this list sounds familiar to you.)

Fourth, buy new shoes. It’s much easier to stomp on the toes peeking out of sandals than it is someone who shows up wearing, say, these.

Emotionally speaking this might mean that you stop talking about certain topics with someone, tell them you’ll end the conversation if they do or say X (and then do it!), only agree to spend time with them around other people or no longer see them at all.

(Photo by Salvatore Vuono from freedigitalphotos.net.)

Respond

How do you react in this situation?

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July 28, 2011 · 9:00 am

When Is a Topic (in)Appropriate?

Recently someone stumbled across On the Other Hand by googling this question:

What topics are off limits for most people to express?

A contentious debate with a friend who is firmly lodged on the other side of a controversial issue can be absolutely acceptable while bringing up something as ordinary as what someone else is eating or wearing could be emotionally abusive.

The question isn’t what we discuss but how and why we bring it up. In general:

Avoid sore spots. It isn’t possible to avoid every topic that could potentially be painful or offensive, of course, but I usually refuse to engage in hot button debates on religion, politics, reproduction or sexuality with people I don’t know well. The appropriateness of these topics can vary quite a bit based on your surroundings and the individuals involved, though.

Have an escape hatch. Sometimes a conversation gradually steers into subject matter that is uncomfortable for one or more of the participants. Always have a backup question or comment in mind. It could be a running joke, an anecdote, thoughts on a recent movie or book, or something else entirely.

Don’t assume they agree. When I was a Christian it was frightfully easy to fall into the belief that everyone else in my small town shared my convictions. There were a few times when this assumption went over like a lead balloon. Despite having nothing but good intentions I ended up annoying people I really cared about by assuming what they believed instead of asking them.

Make sure you’re ready for the truth. It’s ok to ask almost any question if you do it politely and are ready to accept whatever answer is given. It doesn’t bother me to be asked, “Are you going to have kids?” Being pressured or preached to about the choices I’ve made has damaged more than one friendship, though.

(Picture credit – Laura Bassett, et al.)

Respond

How would you answer this question?

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June 27, 2011 · 9:00 am

How to Avoid Emotion Dumps

Last week this blog had a series of search engine hits on what to do when other people dump their emotions onto you. I’ve seen this type of behaviour take many forms: extreme anxiety, anger, passive-aggressive comments.

A few thoughts on preventing emotion dumps:

Mark a Line in The Sand. There is definitely something to be said for explicitly setting boundaries. Not everyone responds well to this, of course, but it is a good first step in case the other person hadn’t realized he or she was imposing on you.

There Is a Difference Between Caring About Someone and Fixing Them.  It’s ridiculously easy to slide from feeling compassion for someone else’s troubles to wanting to rush in with the solution. (I know I’ve done it!)

Relationships Are a Two-Way Street. This is not to say that we should give up on those who are going through a difficult time, only that healthy relationships are reciprocal. If you find yourself repeatedly coming to the rescue of or walking on eggshells around someone else there is something seriously wrong with this picture.

No One Is Owed a Season Pass to Your Life. It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve known them or what kind of relationship exists between you – romantic, professional, familial, platonic or something else. No one is ever morally or ethically obligated to continue any harmful relationship.

You Have More Than One Option. There are an infinite number of ways to keep in touch. It’s never a matter of cutting someone completely out of your life vs. allowing them knowledge of and input into every decision you make. Yes, occasionally the healthiest thing to do is to stop associating with that individual entirely but many relationships can continue if you scale back contact and/or set firm boundaries.

What If You’re in The Middle of a Conversation?

Tell the Emperor He’s Still Naked. Do you remember the Hans Christian Anderson story about the emperor who was too embarrassed to admit he didn’t see his “invisible” clothing? Use this idea with care but I have seen some people back off when one person gathers up the courage to call them on inappropriate behaviour.

“No!” Is a Full Sentence. There’s nothing wrong with choosing not to participate in conversations on subject X or accept certain behaviours from those who are part of your life.  Not respecting these boundaries is a huge red flag for a toxic relationship.

Make Bubbles. If someone else is dumping their anxiety, anger or other emotions on you and you cannot avoid the situation try imagining that your body has been encased in an impermeable bubble. You can see and hear what the other person is saying and doing but it’s muffled and will never be sharp enough to pierce your bubble. This might sound cheesy but it works well when I want to avoid becoming too enmeshed in an unhealthy interaction.

Respond

Do you agree with my advice? What other advice would you give to someone in this situation?

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June 6, 2011 · 9:00 am

Destination: Confirmation Bias


Today’s topic: Confirmation bias.

Drew and I have moved back to Ontario and are temporarily living with family while we look for a new apartment. One relative is well-versed in common things that could kill you, from e-coli on produce to traffic accidents, skin cancer to home burglaries.

There are several news programs and talk shows this individual watches religiously that discuss ordinary people who are harmed or killed in unusual ways. This seems to have created a feedback loop in which the world appears more dangerous with each special report on the hidden dangers of [insert food, product, species, activity or habit here.]

This isn’t something only this one relative does, of course. I’ve walked into more than one situation assuming the best (or worst) and basically ended up with what I expected. If only we could be divided into two or more consciousnesses. How fascinating would it be to see all of the possible outcomes of one event or decision based on what each person involved thought might happen?!

I’m slowly learning that while we can influence some of the things that happen to us no one can control everything. Trying to do so actually seems to make things worse than going with the flow and worrying less.

Respond

Here are some of the questions that have been rolling around in my head: what came first, the sensationalistic programs or the anxiety about those things we cannot control? Is worrying about these things more or less common in stable countries with good safety nets?

What do you think?

 

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May 26, 2011 · 9:00 am

Dealing with Negative People

Recently I came across a chart describing what to do when other people dump their negative emotions on you. I adore it.

It isn’t easy to know how to respond to consistent negativity. After a while the warnings and the gooey layer of fear lurking behind them amalgamate into something similar to what would happen if every 6 O’Clock special report on stuff that (might) kill or maim you ever aired was squished together into one program.

(Don’t) Try This at Home

Unbridled optimism doesn’t help.  If anything it cements the idea that something horrible is about to happen in the minds of at least some negative people.

Don’t judge. None of us will ever know what it is like to walk in one another’s shoes.

As tempting as it may be I’ve yet to win an argument about this. If he or she thinks that the sky is falling or that a journey up north to find a kidnapped prince will never work there’s no line of reasoning that can convince them otherwise.

On the Other Hand…

In certain situations a well-timed joke can be effective in lightening the doom and gloom. Sometimes it’s easier to shake off a pessimistic attitude in collaboration with someone else.

On a related note, playful exaggeration can also be a good tool if you know the other person’s sense of humour well enough. For example “You have a hangnail! When did you want to schedule the amputation?” may elicit a smile if said tongue-in-cheek.

One of the most rewarding aspects of reading Buddhist books and websites is what they have to say about disengagement. Other people can share or do anything they’d like to express but this doesn’t mean you have to make their anger or fear your own. I’m far from an expert on putting these boundaries into practice yet every time I do there is a whoosh of relief.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. A lit match needs dry tinder to keep the flame alive.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a break from a specific situation or individual. Some combinations of people and circumstances are more difficult to handle gracefully than are others and I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to be everything to everyone.

Respond

How do you respond to consistently negative people?

 

 

 

 

 

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April 28, 2011 · 9:00 am

Why Are You So Crabby?

Some fairly serious posts are tentatively scheduled for next week. In the meantime I’d like to dissect this strip from one of my favourite web comics, Mimi and Eunice.

It is one of the few items on my RSS feed that made me cringe-fully laugh out loud this week. When I was a kid I used to subtly irritate my brothers until they reacted. As far as I can recall it was never anything cruel or painful – just standard sibling teasing. When they retaliated mom and dad would often blame them for instigating the entire thing.

I don’t remember why I did those things. Maybe they had teased me earlier,  maybe I thought it was funny or it might have just been a bizarre developmental phase. When my youngest brother finished high school I apologized to them for being sneaky and annoying. Despite the decade or so that had passed since we’d stopped interacting in those ways I still felt a touch of guilt for my part in it.

Why do adults act like this? We (typically) don’t physically jab one another with our fingers but I’ve seen more than one person a few decades removed from elementary school draw out the same reactions in others with a sharp word or aggressive body language. Every time it happens I wish I could temporarily re-write the rules of polite behaviour so I could ask what was happening in his or her life that made it seem ok to agitate someone else like this.

Is someone else poking their buttons? Have they had a horrible day, month, year and are running dangerously low on compassion? Do they enjoy introducing more pain into the lives of others? Why play innocent when the other person finally reacts? Have they missed social cues and don’t realize what they did?

I also wonder why more of the Eunices of the world don’t climb out of their comic strips. Sometimes this isn’t possible, of course, but if I was in her cartoon feet I would have disappeared halfway through the first panel. When Mimi was ready to apologize and stop poking me I’d come back and forgive her…but not before then.

 

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April 25, 2011 · 9:00 am

Choosing Friends, Choosing Enemies

This post is a response to Why Not Want to Like? Ever since this short poem was posted last week I’ve been mulling over why we like some people and dislike others. From the link:

Why wouldn’t I want to try to like everybody I meet?

This isn’t something I’ve discussed here before but everyone has what I can best describe as their own flavour, scent or musical note. That is, each of us has a unique combination of personality traits, general interests, character, beliefs and outlook on life. Sometimes there’s an automatic sense of compatibility when two new friends meet. At other times there isn’t and personalities clash. When this happens it doesn’t mean that one person is right and the other wrong any more than it’s right or wrong to mix musical notes or spices. Some combinations work well, others won’t.

Liking someone in a platonic way has two different meanings to me: one has to do with how one acts, the other with how one feels.  I can treat others with kindness, courtesy and respect but I cannot  sit down one day and decide, “I’m going to enjoy person X’s company this afternoon” or “person Y is my closest friend starting…now.” My brain just doesn’t work that way. Relationships tend to have lives of their own and I’ve been surprised more than once by who has and has not become a good friend.

So I’m going to assume that liking people in the above link refers to how we treat them. Under that assumption I completely agree with the above post. (It would be incredible if we were able to flip a brain switch and choose which emotions others stir up, though!)

What is fascinating is how much choosing to act in certain ways around others can influence what one thinks about them over time. I’ve seen people who were once defensive or angry but who chose to remain respectful and de-escalatory gradually repair unhealthy relationships. Others I’ve known have forged adamantium-strength bonds with people from such radically different paths that I never would have pictured them getting along so splendidly.

The entire topic reminds me of being told to love everyone when I was a Christian. As a child and teenager I couldn’t imagine doing this. Love was a natural outgrowth of relationships formed over many years. It wasn’t something that could be harvested and passed out to the hungry like ripe tomatoes.

Eventually someone explained that what it meant was we should be treating everyone the way we’d want our relatives to be treated by strangers, not that I literally had to love every other person in the universe as much as I did family and friends. That helped. Mostly. (What can I say? I was the sort of Christian who took these things extremely seriously!)

Respond

How do you interpret calls to “love your neighbour” or “like everyone you meet” in your daily life? Can you control whether or not you like someone? If so, will you teach me how to do it? 😛

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September 20, 2010 · 9:00 am

Just Calling to Say…We Don’t Know

A few weeks ago Drew’s mom called to discuss ideas for a possible get-together. His family normally makes plans as the very last minute. As in, it’s not uncommon for them to call us the morning of to invite us over for lunch or dinner that day. We’ve all known for the last month or so that we may get together sometime to celebrate a birthday or holiday, but the when and where often don’t coalesce until a few hours before Drew and I would need to hit the road to get to their house on time. This doesn’t stop us from talking about the various options between We have plenty of time to decide and It’s almost noon, we should decide soon if we’re going to do something today of course.

This is nothow my family worked growing up. We’d generally plan out where, when and at what time we were meeting and who would bring what dish (if it was an at-home meal) several days to a week before the actual shindig.

The purpose of the  call: to see if anyone was ready to pick a date, activity and/or location for the get-together that may or may not be happening a few days into the future. Generally  his family calls when someone on their side of the city has formed an opinion on at least one of those options. This day, though, she just wanted us to know that no one had an opinion on anything quite yet.

Cue headdesk. Intellectually I know that there isn’t one right way to plan a family gathering.  Drew’s family has found something that works for them, my family of origin has other traditions. Not a big deal. But even after six years, there’s still a small voice in the back of my head that says that isn’t how we’re supposed to do this!

I wonder if that thought will ever go away?

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