Tag Archives: Character

November 21, 2011 · 9:00 am

How to (Start to) Forgive Yourself for Small Mistakes

Photo by Richard Smith

Forgiveness has been on my mind this fall. It’s so much easier for me to forgive someone else for making a dumb mistake than it is to forgive myself.

Why?

There’s no possible way for me to control the decisions other people make. I can ask them to do (or not to do) something but ultimately it’s up to them whether or not they want to listen to me.

I can control what I do, though. In the past I’ve been pretty hard on myself over what ultimately turned out to be small bumps in the road. These things never should have stressed me out as much as they did. I don’t want to sound like I have this all figured out – there are still days when I expect much more from myself than I would anyone else. But I am learning to relax a little.

Here are a few questions that help you figure out if it really matters:

1) How would you react if a friend or family member did this? Usually my response would be a warm hug and something like, “it’s really going to be ok. Everyone makes mistakes.”

2) Will it matter in six months? And will you even remember it then? Most of the time there’s a world of no in both of these questions.

3) Is there anything you could (realistically) do to avoid similar events in the future? The answer to this one varies. Sometimes certain mistakes can be reduced or eliminated in the future by double-checking your work. At other times, though, short of developing superhuman abilities there’s nothing a reasonable person could have done to avoid whatever it was that happened.

 

Respond

Do you have trouble forgiving yourself? Is there anything you’ve learned that helps one feel less guilty for small mistakes?

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November 14, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Gratitude Challenge: Part Two

Ok, time’s up. I hope you were able to find plenty of opportunities to express gratitude to all of the kind people in your life.

Now let’s take this a step further.

Think of someone in your life – a friend, family member, coworker, neighbour, or acquaintance – who really irritates you. This works better if it’s someone you see fairly regularly. (If you genuinely cannot think of anyone the rest of us will be happy to loan you one of ours. 😉 )

Once you have someone in mind, keep an eye on them. They will almost certainly once again do something that really pisses you off.

This is a good thing. Keep watching.

What are you looking for?

Something praise-worthy. Everyone has one of these moments sooner or later.

When you find it, thank them using as specific terms as possible. Don’t just say, “thanks.” Say something more like, “I really appreciated it when you ____. It means a lot to me when others do that. Thank you.”

Keep watching them. When it happens again, thank them again.

What I don’t expect you to do:

  • Like them.
  • Spend more time with them.
  • Feel like a bad person for finding X and Y so annoying.

All you need to do is genuinely thank them when they do something you appreciate. (It would be interesting to hear what their reactions are for those willing to share that sort of thing in public, though.)

I’m off to take my own advice. This is a much easier thing to preach than to practice, after all!

 

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November 7, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Gratitude Challenge: Part One

Your challenge today is to express gratitude.

I don’t think feeling gratitude is something most of us have to practice. Almost every time the topic has come up organically with friends or family everyone says that they’re grateful for all of the good stuff in their lives.

But I do think that we often have a problem expressing it. Why? I have no idea. If you have a theory I’d be interested in hearing it, though!

This is what I’d like us all to try: the next time someone does something you appreciate, thank them. Out loud.

The server at your favourite restaurant. The clerk at the hardware store who knew exactly what you needed. That amazing friend or family member who is always there for you. The dog or cat curled up next to you on the sofa.

Thank them.

There will be a part two to this post in a few weeks. In the meantime, practice this challenge.

You’re going to need it. 😉

 

 

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September 26, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Ethics of Being on Time

I’ve been having an internal debate about the intersection of ethics and culture.

Punctuality is something I take pretty seriously. 15 minutes early is on time, arriving on time is late for me.

A few minutes here or there isn’t a big deal but being chronically late eventually says something to me about how much the other person values our relationship.

This is where my self-argument begins:

“Ok, but what about people who live in cultures where time is more fluid? Do you really think they are all horribly rude?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Cultural expectations matter. I grew up in a culture that believes that being habitually late is incredibly rude. Ignoring that rule over and over again eventually says something about your character.”

“Why?”
“Because getting along with other people is part of living in a social group. There are rules we all must follow in order to facilitate this. Purposefully breaking them like this sends a pretty clear message:
I don’t care how my actions affect the people around me. My habits are more important than your time, our relationship or anything else.
And that’s a pretty unkind way to live. “

“Ok, but what if you wake up tomorrow and decide to dress up like Bilbo Baggins? Most people don’t wear costumes every day – is breaking that rule rude?”

“No. Rules that don’t actually harm others are negotiable. People might stare or wonder why I decided to dress that way if it isn’t Halloween but no one is actually going to be hurt by a hobbit costume. ”

 

There does come a time when even small annoyances like being constantly late negatively affects your relationships. If I can’t count on (general) you to be on time when we decide to meet for dinner or a movie how can I depend on you for far more important stuff?

What it boils down to is that how you treat someone in the small things is how I’m going to assume you feel about the big stuff. Anyone can say that they care but what shows how someone actually feels is in how they act when it would be more convenient to do something that helps them but harms someone else. (Yes, this applies to me, too. 😉 )

Respond

What do you think? Am I being too harsh here? Can you think of other examples of behaviour that is acceptable in one culture and rude in another?

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September 1, 2011 · 9:00 am

Mailbag #1

Anonymous asks:

I’m negative. How do I fix it?

Hello! Thanks for your question. As you didn’t provide any other details here are a few things to consider for the next few minutes:

  • Are you otherwise coping with life ok? Negative thinking can be a symptom of depression, among other illnesses. I’m not a doctor (and couldn’t diagnose you over the Internet even if I was one!) but this may be something to discuss with your health care provider.
  • How do the people you spend the most time with respond to the stresses of life? A handful of extremely pessimistic or optimistic people can change the “feel” of even a large group.
  • Are you in a really tough situation? Does venting help? Shit happens, sometimes over and over again to the same people. Admitting that isn’t being negative, it’s being honest.

Ok, time’s up.

So what do you do with negative thought patterns once you’ve figured out why they’re happening?

  1. Acknowledge them. It’s ok to have a bad day or to admit that experience X was really difficult. Even saying or thinking, “well, that was a negative thought!” can help you realize what’s going on.
  2. Stay in the moment. Just because X happened before does not mean it will happen again. Trying to predict the future will only encourage a pessimistic view of it.
  3. Make a plan. Is there anything you can do to (realistically) avoid X in the future? If not, is there anything that will make it less harmful?
  4. Help someone else. Wallowing in negativity is much more difficult when you’re, say, shovelling a neighbour’s sidewalk or volunteering at your favourite charity.
  5. Flip your assumptions. When a negative thought pops up counter it with the best alternative you can think of. Maybe your relative’s health will snap back after that surgery. Maybe your boss was calling to offer you a promotion! As Pollyanna-ish as this sounds it works well with practice.

The bottom line: negative thinking is a habit and like any habit it can be replaced with a more useful one.

I’d be lying if I said this was easy.  It isn’t. But it can be done!

Do you have a question to Ask Lydia? Submit it through the contact form or in the comment section of this post. 

 

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January 27, 2011 · 9:00 am

Just Try It

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people vehemently disapprove of an idea, worldview, activity or creative work without bothering to figure out what it is, exactly, that they’re opposing. Whether they disagree with something as substantial as universal healthcare or as minor as a children’s book the reactions are remarkably similar.

“That idea/worldview/story/song/activity is horrible!”

“What didn’t you like about it?”

“So-and-so says it’s horrible.”

“So, you’ve never actually tried it?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know that it’s something with which you so adamantly disagree?”

“So-and-so says it’s horrible!”

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

What I’m Not Saying

We don’t have to enjoy or agree with everything that crosses our paths. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having strong opinions or never wavering in one’s beliefs.

What I don’t understand, though, is why we are so afraid of listening to what was actually said instead of relying on conjecture from second or thirdhand information.

There are certain things that I’m (probably) never going to appreciate: brussels sprouts, fashion magazines, the Twilight series, organized sports, the vast majority of radio stations. In the case of the Twilight books I highly doubted that I’d like them but I read a few pages of the first book anyway. The writing style and story did nothing for this lifelong bookworm but that didn’t mean I was going to rely on other people’s opinions when making this decision.

They may be relying on misinformation or we may not have the same aesthetic tastes or political or religious hunches, after all.

But What About…

Yes, occasionally there will be activities or groups that are clearly not compatible with your ethical code or morality. I don’t expect anyone to violate those boundaries.

Sometimes it’s difficult to try it for yourself when that involves, say, moving to another country and experiencing their way of life. I’ve been extremely lucky to live in the US and Canada. There are so many misconceptions about both countries that I try my best to clear up when others make ignorant statements or spread outright lies. On the bright side this has taught me to listen to people who have actually lived through circumstances I once thought I could fully understand by reading about them.

There’s nothing wrong with trying something and discovering that it’s exactly the same as you had assumed it would be. Not everything in life will defy our expectations and that’s ok. What is important is that we know why our opinions or tastes differ and are working with accurate information.

The Bottom Line: listening to other points of view isn’t a threat to our own. It can’t strip away our beliefs or make them less valid or meaningful. If anything my principles have been strengthened by comparing them to other ways of seeing the world because it makes me think about the why behind what I believe.

Now if I could just learn to be less irritated by people who don’t do the same! 🙂

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November 22, 2010 · 9:00 am

Sane Personal Development

Becoming a better person is something of great interest to me but focusing so intently on improvement isn’t necessarily the best way to approach personal development.

“There are things about ourselves that we need to get rid of; there are things we need to change. But at the same time, we do not need to become too desperate, too ruthless, too combative. Along the way to usefulness and happiness, many of those things will change themselves, and the others can be worked on as we go. The first thing we need to do is recognize and trust our own Inner Nature, and not lose sight of it. For within the Ugly Duckling is the Swan, inside the Bouncy Tigger is the Rescuer who knows the Way, and in each of us is something Special that we need to keep.” – from The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff

This is by far my favourite quote of all time. I tend to be too hard on myself when I make a mistake or do or say something that I later regret. It isn’t that I want to be perfect so much as I hate the idea of hurting other people even unintentionally.

Conscientiousness can be a wondeful character trait. Like anything, though, it can be taken too far. Reading this quote – indeed, the entire book – was like coming home after a long afternoon outdoors in the middle of January, peeling off several layers of cold, damp, wool clothing, inhaling a big gulp of warm air and suddenly realizing how heavy your arms and legs felt wrapped in all of those layers.

This has been one of my most important lessons of 2010. I’ve by no means finished learning to take everything a little less seriously but I am growing better at noticing when I’m being too hard on myself. It turns out that grace isn’t just something one has for other people! 😉

Respond

What was the most important thing that you learned in 2010? How do you go about making healthier decisions or growing emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually?

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