Tag Archives: Introversion

Drawing by Pictofigo.

Part two in a series of posts about making new friends as an adult. Click here for part one. 

Over the last two weeks I’ve slowly begun working on how to go about making some new friends.

My first task was simple: whom do I want to meet? Some people are most comfortable hanging out with friends in their age group who share the same marital status, background and political/religious beliefs.

None of these things matter to me. The friends I currently have range in age from 20-60, are married, engaged and single, and may share all, some or none of my beliefs. What they do share in common is an unquenchable curiosity about the world around them and a willingness to listen to other points of view without feeling threatened. 

I still don’t know how or when I will find more people like this but I know they must be out there somewhere! Your criteria may be stricter. That’s ok.

Craiglist

In the comment section of my last post Jenna recommended Craiglist. I had already been thinking about either placing a strictly platonic ad or answering someone else’s ad. Here’s what I’ve learned about that section, though: everyone is looking for a mistress.

Ok, so maybe not everyone. But over my last few weeks of lurking I’ve seen a suspiciously large number of ads that read something like this:

Married [man, woman, couple] looking for a single [woman, man] for a discreet relationship.

or

Single [man, woman] looking for a friend. I like  teaching fish how to juggle and eating cold spaghetti. You should be interested in having a good time and must not be married or in a committed relationship.

I’m not sure how the phrase strictly platonic morphed into friends with benefits  over there but at this point I’m pretty uncomfortable placing or answering any ads on Craigslist.

Small Talk

Longterm readers know that Toronto is not the most outgoing city. Packing 2.6 million people into 630 km² does not leave the average person with much personal space (especially during rush hour). It’s customary, therefore, to avoid eye contact and conversation with your fellow travellers at almost any cost. Imagine 200 people squished into a subway car all of whom are pretending that the other 199 passengers do not exist or 10 people standing perfectly silent in an elevator.

I do not blame my fellow Torontonians for this. Sometimes what one needs more than anything else is to pretend as though your personal bubble still existed but something odd has happened to me more than once over the past few weeks, though: small talk.

The first time I was standing on a subway platform when a student struck up a conversation with me about a subway delay. She had just started classes at a local university and wasn’t happy with all of the changes in her life lately. We were separated when the subway finally arrived but for those few minutes I had a surprisingly honest conversation with a total stranger.

Now I’m noticing that more and more of the people who live in my building are starting short conversations on elevator rides. This is not quite as unusual as the subway conversation but it still surprises me just a little.

Will any of these conversations lead to newfound friends? I don’t know.

Respond

Have you made any new friends lately? What have been your experiences with Craiglist?

Visitors, you’re on a roll here! Recently someone found this blog by searching for this:

How [do you] get quiet people to speak up?

1. Figure out their passion in life. For example, I love science fiction, hiking, and late nineteenth to mid twentieth century American and Canadian history. When I find someone who knows a little (or a lot!) about these things I can’t help but to talk to them about it.

2. Give them time. Sometimes people are quiet in part because it takes them a little while to feel out new acquaintances.  I respond much more quickly to people who are patient and kind while I’m warming up to them. This kind of courtesy and understanding  speaks volumes about one’s character.

3. Accept no as an answer. One of the least helpful things one can do is push anyone into being more talkative. Being quiet isn’t a personality defect. I can’t speak for every quiet person but I know I’m much less likely to open up to someone who cannot take no for an answer.

4. Ask them what they think. There have been times when a group conversation moves so quickly that I have trouble getting a word in edgewise. While I’d certainly never expect anyone to do this I don’t mind being asked what I think.

5. Try a different medium. I’m fairly quiet on the phone and in person but much less so through email or instant messaging because I like to think about what I’m going to say before I blurt it out. It’s much easier for me to do this with the written word. This won’t be true for every quiet person, of course, but you still might have more luck if you change how you communicate with them.

Respond

Fellow quiet people, have I missed anything?

Everyone, what have been your experiences with encouraging (but not forcing!) quiet friends to speak their minds?

 A man went about the community telling malicious lies about the rabbi. Later, he realized the wrong he had done, and began to feel remorse. He went to the rabbi and begged his forgiveness, saying he would do anything he could to make amends…

Click here for the rest of the tale.

Almost everyone who has ever met me in person has at one point or another said, “Lydia, you’re so quiet!”

It’s true. I am quiet.

Maybe part of it is because I’m an introvert and my energy lasts longer in social situations when I speak less.

Part of it is because I don’t always know what to say. Sometimes I don’t have an opinion on topic X, or I feel an embryonic poem or short story quivering on the tip of my tongue, or I’m enjoying listening to everyone else talk too much to chime in.

And part of it is because words are permanent. You can almost always say it later but you can never take it back if you’ve made an incorrect assumption or judgment of the situation.

So I listen first, try to absorb all of the available information before forming an opinion.

Your challenge this week, should you choose to accept it, is to listen twice as long as you did last week before speaking up.

Maybe it will work for you, maybe it won’t. The only way to know is to try! 😉