Tag Archives: Kindness

4 Ways to Be Kind to Yourself

December wasn’t an easy month for me. To be honest by the end of it I’d grown pretty grouchy and wavered between feeling guilty for letting stress affect me so much and bristling against the forced cheerfulness of the season.

Sometimes, this process can be very subconscious. We won’t know why we’re being mean or angry or greedy or jealous—we’ll just do it.

From 4 Ways to Be Kind When You Don’t Feel Like It.

I loved this blog post so much I thought I’d write a companion article to it. Sometimes it can be as difficult to be kind to yourself as it is to be kind to others.

Here are a few things that have helped me over the last several weeks:

1. H.A.L.T. Are you feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired? It’s amazing how much low blood sugar, fatigue or interpersonal problems inflate a small problem into a huge one.

2. Say no. You don’t have to accept every invitation or continue all of the traditions you participated in before. I won’t lie – you may ruffle a few feathers in the process. But there’s nothing wrong with saying “no, thanks!” to something you’ve really been dreading.

3. Ask for help. Need a sympathetic ear? Advice from someone who has been through the same thing? Practical assistance with chores or a special project? Something else? Ask for it! I’ve found that most people love to help out if they know what would (or would not) be appreciated.

4. Recharge. You might need to do this more than usual after a particularly stressful event or period.

 

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The Upside of Being a Hypocrite

Confession:

I participated in a gift exchange this year.

No, I still don’t celebrate Christmas (unless baking chocolate chip cookies somehow counts!)

It was with a small group of people. Bowing out was not something that could have gone unnoticed.

And I didn’t want to be the different one again. Too often I say no to:

  • homemade treats (stupid allergies),
  • church services,
  • get-togethers when I’ve made other plans…

After a while you don’t want to bow out any longer. So I said yes.  The amount we were to spend was small enough that a dollop of creativity was required to come up with a good gift and it was gratifying to figure out what would appeal the most to the recipient in that price range.

Will I do it again next year? No idea.

What I do know is that there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind or bending the rules. Just because something – a label, a belief system, a hunch, a way of doing things- worked really well last time doesn’t mean it will continue to do so tomorrow, next year, or in 2042. And that’s ok.

 

 

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They Don’t Belong Here

It was a cold, windy afternoon.

While checking out some library books I heard a conversation heating up:

“… and they could have bedbugs.” The woman anxiously jerked her grey curls to three men reading in the corner surrounded by their tattered backpacks and faded grocery bags.

“Everyone is welcome here,” the clerk replied.

“But bedbugs jump! Someone could be infected just by walking by them.”

“I can’t ask them to leave just because they have a few bags.”

“Well, how are you going to keep the books safe? Vancouver has had serious issues with bedbugs hiding in their library books. They’ve even had to shut down some of their facilities.” [note: I have no idea if this is true by any stretch of the imagination.]

“We vacuum and clean the library regularly.”

“That isn’t enough! There are other community centres they can use. They don’t need to stay here…”

To be honest, I had sympathy for everyone involved here:

  •  The clerk for being forced to entertain such a bizarre request.
  •  The disheveled men for once again being stereotyped and rejected.
  •  And even the woman who made the complaint. It must be exhausting to live with that much anxiety.

Respond

Anyone old enough to read this has no doubt had his or her own share of interesting encounters in public spaces. Come tell us about them in the comment section.

 

 

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Choosing Friends, Choosing Enemies

This post is a response to Why Not Want to Like? Ever since this short poem was posted last week I’ve been mulling over why we like some people and dislike others. From the link:

Why wouldn’t I want to try to like everybody I meet?

This isn’t something I’ve discussed here before but everyone has what I can best describe as their own flavour, scent or musical note. That is, each of us has a unique combination of personality traits, general interests, character, beliefs and outlook on life. Sometimes there’s an automatic sense of compatibility when two new friends meet. At other times there isn’t and personalities clash. When this happens it doesn’t mean that one person is right and the other wrong any more than it’s right or wrong to mix musical notes or spices. Some combinations work well, others won’t.

Liking someone in a platonic way has two different meanings to me: one has to do with how one acts, the other with how one feels.  I can treat others with kindness, courtesy and respect but I cannot  sit down one day and decide, “I’m going to enjoy person X’s company this afternoon” or “person Y is my closest friend starting…now.” My brain just doesn’t work that way. Relationships tend to have lives of their own and I’ve been surprised more than once by who has and has not become a good friend.

So I’m going to assume that liking people in the above link refers to how we treat them. Under that assumption I completely agree with the above post. (It would be incredible if we were able to flip a brain switch and choose which emotions others stir up, though!)

What is fascinating is how much choosing to act in certain ways around others can influence what one thinks about them over time. I’ve seen people who were once defensive or angry but who chose to remain respectful and de-escalatory gradually repair unhealthy relationships. Others I’ve known have forged adamantium-strength bonds with people from such radically different paths that I never would have pictured them getting along so splendidly.

The entire topic reminds me of being told to love everyone when I was a Christian. As a child and teenager I couldn’t imagine doing this. Love was a natural outgrowth of relationships formed over many years. It wasn’t something that could be harvested and passed out to the hungry like ripe tomatoes.

Eventually someone explained that what it meant was we should be treating everyone the way we’d want our relatives to be treated by strangers, not that I literally had to love every other person in the universe as much as I did family and friends. That helped. Mostly. (What can I say? I was the sort of Christian who took these things extremely seriously!)

Respond

How do you interpret calls to “love your neighbour” or “like everyone you meet” in your daily life? Can you control whether or not you like someone? If so, will you teach me how to do it? 😛

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