Suggestion Saturday: February 9, 2013

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, quotes and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder. – Henry David Thoreau

Prayers. These Buddhists accept online prayer requests that are then read aloud once a day by volunteers. I’m sharing a link to it because the idea of anonymous, electronic prayer requests reminds me of a scene in Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale where the narrator describes something similar in great detail. Does anyone remember that scene?

A Cream Cracker Under the Settee. One of the most memorable monologues I’ve ever read. I wonder how often the disturbing events alluded to in this story actually took place in previous generations?

50 Things Money Can’t Buy via OliviaMagdelene. To this list I would add:

  • A robust imagination.
  • Forgiveness.
  • The euphoria of meeting kindred spirits.
  • Happy lucid dreams.

What Your Favourite Ice Cream Says About You. When I have a bad cold or the flu and hate the thought of eating or drinking soy mint chocolate chip ice cream is my ultimate food bribe. Only 50% of what this site says about my choice is true but it has given me an ice cream craving!

A Legends Position on Banning Assault Rifles. One of the best ways to explain your position on a controversial subject is to tell a story.

From New Age Bullies:

During my 36 years as a psychotherapist, I’ve seen many clients who have been victims of people like those Hannah and my friend describe. I call them New Age Bullies — those who, sometimes with the best intentions, repeat spiritual movement shibboleths, with little understanding of how hurtful their advice can be.

Imagine you’re a black Korean war veteran returning Home to Georgia. After fighting for your country you come back to a society that has institutionalized discrimination against you. In the 90 years since the Civil War ended precious little has changed. Normally I wish Toni Morrison’s books were shorter. This time I didn’t want to stop listening to Frank’s stories. He’s the kind of literary character that feels more real to me than some of the flesh and blood people I know!

What have you been reading?

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Mailbag #10

A reader asks:

How do you say no when people dump their emotional stuff onto you?

This post might be helpful to you.

I used to think it was my responsibility to help others get better. It isn’t. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is to not try to fix them.

For example, there are people in my life who turn every anthill into Mt. Everest. Have you caught a cold? It’s going to develop into deadly pneumonia. Starting a new business? It’s doomed to fail. Going on a trip? The woodpeckers/manatee/penguins in that area have developed a taste for human blood…and they hunt in packs now.

Logically explaining that these scenarios are extremely unlikely to occur doesn’t help in my case. Depending on what’s going on with your loved ones it might work better for you.

What does help? Taking a step back from them emotionally. While so-and-so waxes on I pretend that I’m an anthropologist studying a new culture. As I have a tendency to be pretty snarky about these things I usually respond with a moment of silence before changing the subject. I’d rather be accused of ignoring someone than of saying something cruel. Although I don’t ignore them as individuals…just their emotion dumps. 😉

Readers, what else would you recommend?

Do you have a question for me? Submit it through the contact form, in the comment section or by emailing postmaster AT on-the-other-hand DOT com. 

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The Internet is not a Four-Letter Word

Over the last year or so some of the most popular search terms for this blog have been related to whether or not the Internet is good for our social skills.

I’ve had an online presence since the spring of 1999 and ever since then have heard the same arguments against spending time online trotted out regularly. Today I’ll be pushing back against the assumptions behind them. The arguments are in bold and my comments immediately follow.

The Internet is dangerous. Actually, most cases of rape, child abuse and certain types of murder are committed by someone the victim knows. Anyone can lie about their identity, past or intentions. Of course we should be cautious around people we don’t know well but meeting online doesn’t make “John” dangerous any more than meeting “Sally” at a friend’s party (or being related to her) makes her a trustworthy babysitter.

Internet relationships don’t foster genuine connections! Tell that to my husband. 😉 Longtime readers already know this but we first met on a message board many years ago. I didn’t know what he looked like until we met in person but I loved the man I’d gotten to know through email and phone calls. Yes,  one should be cautious in the beginning while you figure out if the other person is whom they claim to be but this is true of any relationship.

The Internet is destroying our social skills. I’ve never seen evidence of this. There have always been (and will always be) rude and polite people in this world. No technology can change human nature.

The Internet undermines local relationships. To be honest I do think access to the Internet has changed how often some people spend time with neighbours and acquaintances. Twenty years ago one’s social circle was almost always limited to people who lived nearby: coworkers, neighbours, friends of friends. If you shared common interests and a similar outlook on life this worked out well but it was also incredibly isolating for anyone who deviated from the norm. It’s much easier to pine for the good old days if you’ve never had to worry about being ostracized or discriminated against.

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Suggestion Saturday: February 2, 2013

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, videos, quotes and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.- Anaïs Nin

The Science of Sex Abuse. Trigger warning for rape and childhood sexual abuse. I don’t know if any of my followers are unusually sensitive to that topic…but you have been warned! Everyone agrees that sexual abuse is horrifying. What we don’t always agree on is what the best way is to stop current abusers and prevent tomorrow’s rapists from attacking anyone. The problem is we haven’t figured out the most effective treatment yet.

Nice Try, Sauron. Ok, which one of you did this? 😀

One of My Best Workers. From verbal abuse to gentle compliments, what we say to one another matters.

Father Time is My Peer via StoryRoute. A man visits old classmates in a nursing home and contemplates his future. It was hard to choose just one essay from this site as so many of them stretched my mind.

From How Doctors Die:

It’s not a frequent topic of discussion, but doctors die, too. And they don’t die like the rest of us. What’s unusual about them is not how much treatment they get compared to most Americans, but how little. For all the time they spend fending off the deaths of others, they tend to be fairly serene when faced with death themselves.

Many years ago my aunt gave me a copy of What Katy Did for Christmas. It tells the story of a girl living in the nineteenth century whose spine is injured in a accident. One day she’s healthy and active, the next she’s bedridden and in terrible pain. Given the time period this was written in there is of course some heavy-handed moralizing about being a good example and proper young woman but what I remember loving about the story is how Katy is encouraged to find a kernel of joy in even the most hopeless circumstances.

What have you been reading?

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Stairs to No End

Stairs to no end from Daniella Koffler on Vimeo.

This is a parable about asking questions, the fear that inhibits us and how difficult it is to stifle curiosity permanently.

When I was 11 years old I thought all adults had to have children especially if they ended up in a longterm relationship. The few I met who did not follow this rule were deliciously rebellious. I wondered how they’d gotten away with it but was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to follow in their footsteps. For one thing, most of them were men and I’d somehow come to the conclusion that the rules weren’t so easily bent for women.

I didn’t know why things were this way or how to change them but in quiet moments I thought about it often. It was a puzzle for which I hadn’t been given all of the pieces yet.

There were a few adult women in our social circles who waited until they were really old to have a baby. Some were 30 or even older! I thought, therefore, that I could probably delay it until I was that age. At which point I’d figure out some other reason to wait just one more year for a decade or two until I became impossibly old.

It was only as I grew older that I figured out that becoming a parent really was a choice. No one could force me to have a child and it was ok to never do it.

That realization was a breathe of fresh air.  In the near future would come other labels: bi. non-theist. humanist.

A generation or two ago I don’t know that I would have been able to be so open about who I really am to the world.

But it all started with a question I had yet to answer and a conviction I couldn’t (quite) name.

Respond

What did you think of the video? What questions or identities have bubbled their way to your surfaces?

 

 

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Wild Card Wednesday: The Healing Game

After a severe concussion left her suicidal and bedridden Jane McGonigal invented SuperBetter, a series of daily challenges that improve your physical, emotional, mental and social strength. Some challenges are as simple as drinking a glass of water or taking a walk around the block, others are more complex.

The iPhone app for this game is fun and easy to use although I do find the sound effects a little irritating. You can also play the game on the Super Better website itself.

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The Truth About Deconversion and Grief

412px-Beslan-monument-tree_of_griefI love my life now but deconverting wasn’t always an easy process. Because so many new visitors have discovered On the Other Hand by searching for terms like deconversion grief and depression and deconversion I thought I’d tell my story for them.

It started when I stopped attending church at seventeen. While I was relieved to no longer assume all of the social and emotional responsibilities that came with being a preacher’s kid I missed the automatic sense of community I’d found in the churches I knew as a child.

Soon after The Ooze  became my new home. One of the advantages of switching to an online church was that there was always someone around. Rather than waiting until Sunday or Wednesday night to ask tough questions I could start a thread and talk about it right away.

After several years, though, I realized that I was no longer Christian enough even for The Ooze. Sticking around when I no longer identified with even the most liberal idea of god seemed disingenuous but shedding that label (and even more so the emotional connections I’d made) wasn’t easy.

Posting this entry isn’t going to be easy because of the assumption some people make that everyone who deconverts is either full of rage or horribly depressed. I don’t want my words to be twisted, to be thrown into other people’s faces as an example of how horrible life is without belief. It isn’t.

I’m actually quite happy in my everyday existence…but that doesn’t mean the transition was without a few bumps in the road. There were days when I wondered if it would be better to fake even the faintest whisper of a reconversion so I could justify finding a new community. In the end I just couldn’t do it.

Instead I created a new circle of likeminded friends. If you click on the Recommended Reading list on the right hand side of this blog you’ll meet some of them. Not all of them are non-theists but every single person on that list is open to and invigorated by new ideas.

One day I hope I can gather all of them in the same room. We would have a wonderful time together.

Respond

What have been your experiences? Do you ever feel like you should self-censor in order to avoid reaffirming stereotypes about your group?

 

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Suggestion Saturday: January 26, 2013

Here is this week’s list of videos, blog posts and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

60 Insane Cloud Formations From Around the World via Ken Kaminesky. Number nineteen is the best.

From Awakening:

At that moment, Campbell realized that something had happened to her during her appendectomy, something that changed her forever. After several years of investigation, she figured it out: she had woken up on the table.

This experience is called “intraoperative recall” or “anesthesia awareness,” and it’s more common than you might think.

Introvert Fairy Tales: Sleeping Beauty. It was hard to pick just one post from this blog. All of the tales are good but Sleeping Beauty is the most imaginative retelling of a classic fairy tale.

Nottaway. In what ways do you stereotype the elderly?  I, for example, have the tendency to assume that my older relatives should be sheltered from certain things. Because they’ve been alive 70, 80, 90 years I think they will never understand my sexual orientation, (lack of) religious beliefs or choice to remain childless. I also assume they have no interest in modern pop culture. In no way am I proud of this…but that doesn’t stop me from hesitating when the conversation flows into “dangerous” territory.

Getting What She Gave. A poem about what happens when the past no longer is an excuse for someone’s present behaviour.

Good advice on toxic people:

The most despicably selfish people are often, upon close inspection, feral — they’re consumed by self-preservation, and don’t have the courage or even the capacity to take the emotional risks that are the hallmark of civilized behavior….This isn’t to say that you should handle the feral without gloves. Sometimes the best thing to do is to have nothing to do with them.

What would you do with your remaining years if all of your friends and family members were dead? Is it better to be alone and safe or in the company of others when there’s a high risk of dying from an airborne AIDS-like illness? Dogs Stars is the best book I’ve read so far in 2013. I only hope I’ll never have to make the same choices faced by the narrator.

What have you been reading?

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How to Apologize When You Don’t Think You Were Wrong

Petirrojo_europeo_(Erithacus_rubecula),_Tierpark_Hellabrunn,_Múnich,_Alemania,_2012-06-17,_DD_02_Crop

Photo by Poco a poco.

Recently some new readers have found this blog using phrases like, “a person wants to apologize but doesn’t think they were wrong.”

I wish we had more details about what’s happening in their lives. Since this didn’t happen here’s are a few questions I recommend asking yourself for future readers who find On the Other Hand through this topic:

  • Is this a pattern in their life?
  • Is this a pattern in your life?
  • What do trustworthy friends and family members think about the situation?
  • Have you asked them to explain their point of view? If so, can you understand why they were offended?
  • Would you be offended if someone else had said or done to you what you did to them?

These questions are not foolproof but they’re a good start.

I know I’ve said things that later made me cringe. Sometimes I didn’t realize how terrible they sounded until long after the conversation ended.

Barring an abusive environment I think it’s good to apologize if you’re able to do so genuinely. If you can’t fully apologize don’t give a half-hearted, “I’m sorry if you were offended.” This will only make things worse.

If I was in this situation I’d say, “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.” If they were open to it I may start a conversation about why X is offensive or what I should say instead in the future.

Respond

How have you reacted in this situation? Do you agree or disagree with my advice?

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It’s Not a Debate if Everyone Agrees

Photo by Flicka Catherine.

Photo by Flicka Catherine.

This series of essays about whether women should wear makeup caught my eye.

Of the seven entries three say we should wear it. The other four think it’s a personal choice but all but one of them either regularly wear makeup or are married to women who do.

No one seriously questions why women feel they need to wear makeup or argues that our culture would be better off without it. No one even asks why we’re still having this debate in 2013, as if what a woman puts on her face is at all relevant for the 99.99% of us who aren’t professional models.

I know people who’ve worn it daily, occasionally or not at all for as many years as I’ve known them. Sometimes we gather in the same room and proceed to not care at all about what other people do with their skin.

If we were bored I suppose we could broach the topic but it would be an actual debate. One in which some think makeup is an expensive waste of time (or worse!), others who never leave the house without wearing it, and still others who find it useful for, say, formal pictures.

Framing these essays as a debate is like me asking if Star Trek: Voyager was the best drama of the 1990s or of the entire 20th century while one person argues that the last few seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation were better.

Trekkies may care but everyone else is wondering why the frame for the original question is so lopsided.

Respond

Do you find yourself equally irritated with loaded questions? What is the point of hosting a debate so heavily weighted from one perspective that everyone more or less agrees with it?

Most importantly, which series was better: Voyager or TNG? 😉

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