Lydia Schoch

“Missione genovese del Guaricano – Santo Domingo (Dominican Republic) – Foto di Donpaolo” – from the description of this photograph on commons.wikipedia.org.

I’m starting a new series of posts here at On the Other Hand about making friends. Most of my current friends live far away or have very busy lives. As much as I love and appreciate them I’d like to meet some people who live nearby. There’s nothing like getting a warm hug in person or calling up a friend last-minute to see if they wanted to go to the park this weekend or check out that parade or art festival.

But before we begin let me tell you a story.

It Was the Summer of 1994…

I was 11 and my parents had just moved cross-country to pastor a new church. We’d spent the last four years living out west and pastoring a small, independent church. Most of our members were young college students living away from home for the first time and so many weeks my brothers and I were the only children at church. Later on there were a few babies crawling around but never anyone my age who wasn’t a sibling.

The new church was about ten times larger than our old one. Suddenly we were surrounded by other kids. As much as I’d loved the adult attention at our last church there was something exciting about the prospect of making friends with some girls my own age. On one of our first Sundays at the new church I gleefully walked into the 5th and 6th grade Sunday school classroom only to be greeted by a half dozen rowdy (and even worse, flirtatious!) boys and one flicker of hope – a tall girl who turned out to be the daughter of our teacher and who was just stopping by on her way to the high school class. She’d later become one of my closest friends as a teenager…but that was a few years away.

 I was girl-less and unimpressed. My predicament must have filtered up to Dad between Sunday school and the sermon because during the announcements he asked the congregation if anyone had little girls close to my age. After the service a few different adults stopped to say they had a sister or daughter who would be at church the next week. And they were. For the next two and a half years we spent at that church I was never surrounded by only yucky boys again. 😉

It Was the Summer of 2012…

And I’m wondering why it’s so much more difficult for adults to meet new people. Is it because we’re busier? Or maybe it’s because there are fewer clear-cut places for adults to meet up? As a kid I made most of my friends through school and church, two institutions I no longer attend.

So how do we make friends as adults? I’m especially interested in this question as someone who doesn’t have children or pets, watch sports or regularly drink alcohol.

This is also a question that I think may be a little more difficult to answer in a reserved city like Toronto. People who’ve lived here more than five minutes tend to live in their own little bubbles when they walk down the street. They’re not (generally) rude or unkind….they’re just completely uninterested in talking to strangers.

This question is going to take more than one post to answer. I hope you’ll join me on this journey as I figure out how to go about doing this. The next post in this series will be a compilation of ideas. Do I want to try the platonic personals on Craigslist? (Probably not.) A more organized site like Meetup.com? (Maybe.) What about starting conversations with people on elevators? (Might be creepy.)

Respond

How have you made new friends as an adult? Is there any advice you can offer to those of us giving this a try?

Entertaining search terms used to find this blog in August 2012.

What do pollutants smell like? Cloying perfume/cologne, stale cigarette smoke, olives and the nauseating combination of freshly ground ginger and tumeric.

Why do I go quiet when it’s my turn to speak? Maybe you’re easily embarrassed?

Can a talkative and quiet person make it in a marriage? Probably. 😉

Can you forgive someone for violating your trust? It depends on how you find out about it and how they’re planning to behave in the future.

Does Bruxy Cavey allow swearing? Years ago I briefly attended his church and I didn’t get the impression that he’s the kind of guy who is easily offended. From our handful of conversations he seemed like someone who meets people where they’re at and doesn’t expect non-Christians to act like Christians. If I ever see him again I’ll try to remember to ask him this question, though!

Is violence more sinful than sex? I don’t necessarily believe in the Christian definition of sin but violence is almost always going to be many times more harmful than sex because it tears down the emotional, sexual or physical selves of other human beings. It’s designed to achieve that end and if anything sex is meant to do the opposite. If I had kids I’d much rather them watch a (consensual) sex scene than someone being brutally beaten or murdered on TV.

Prosperity theology and the law of attraction… are more or less the same idea wrapped up in different words.

Meaning – normally quiet person is chatty? I don’t know why this happens but every once in a while I suddenly cannot stop talking. All of the thoughts I’m normally content to keep to myself suddenly feel like things that must be shared.

Why do I keep reading the stupid news? Because you haven’t discovered this site yet. It’s much funnier (and probably just about as relevant to your daily life) than reading or watching the news.

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, quotes and videos from my favourite corners of the web.

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” ― Maya Angelou

How to Talk to People in Wheelchairs. This is good stuff. I’ve wondered about the etiquette of helping someone who is in a wheelchair before. It’s not a topic that’s brought up in conversation very often and as someone who has never been in this experience it can be difficult to know what to do. I’d never want to offend anyone by asking a dumb question or overstepping my bounds.

From How Easy Is It to Spread Disinformation?

 …are we really aware of all information flowing up over the net? What is really true and what’s not? When someone presents a bit of loose facts on Twitter, I usually respond with something like ”64% of the facts on the Internet is 48% incorrect according to 52% of respondents”, completely made up numbers out of my head, but it makes people think a little extra.

It is somewhat disturbing at times when the bandwagon takes off and speeds up, without people being critical.

 9 Billion Years of the Universe Condensed into 80 Seconds. The best dream I’ve ever had involved billions of years of time travel. I started out as myself and travelled back in time (glimpsing scenes from multiple lifetimes, human and otherwise) to a time in which there were no planets or galaxies, just the matter that would one day create it. This video was the next best thing to experiencing that dream again.

Truer words were never spoken from Post-Posting Depression:

So keep on writing, and keep on posting.  Know that the most important and meaningful posts you write are the ones that may not get you big fat numbers but that touch our hearts so deeply that we can’t express ourselves.

Agnostic, Atheist, Deist and Humanist readers, my friend Bruce needs your help:

Above all, I am going to need atheists, agnostics, humanists, and deists who are willing to join the Leaving the Faith Forum and be a help to those who are contemplating leaving Christianity or who have already left Christianity. You must be patient and kind, willing to guide people rather than throw information at them.

The forums will be private and are scheduled to launch on October 1. I hope to see all of you there. The more perspectives we can give people struggling with their beliefs the easier their journeys will be. More than anything I wish something like this had been around for me when I deconverted. I’m in a wonderful place now but some of the intervening years were pretty lonely.

Gathering Blue and Messenger are the sequels to the book I mentioned last week, The Giver. Gathering Blue introduces an entirely new set of characters who live in a hell on earth. Society has crumbled and everyone left is scrambling to survive. People who are disabled, weak or injured are routinely left to die. Enter a disabled orphan named Kira whose incredible skill at weaving is the only thing keeping her alive. Messenger is the continuing story of what happens to certain characters from the first two books.

What have you been reading?

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, paintings and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

Hyperrealistic Paintings of People Wrapped in Plastic. I have a hard time interpreting modern art. Don’t ask me to explain  these paintings but I love looking at them. It’s amazing that some people are able to paint such realistic depictions of the human body that I at first assumed they were photographs. How in the world does one learn how to do that? Fair warning: there is nudity in this link. It’s tasteful and not as graphic as you’re probably imagining but I try not to surprise my readers with these things. 😉

From Redeeming Susan Pevensie:

That is why, to this day, 40 years after first meeting her in the first sentence of the first book-book I ever read, I still have strong feelings about Susan Pevensie.

Not strong feelings for her — I don’t mean a reader’s crush — but about her. Anyone who has read and loved Lewis’ Narnia books has encountered the problem of Susan. Her story ends poorly. What happens to Susan is just wrong.

Struggling with an Abusive Aging Parent via My Better Nursing Home. This blogger’s heart is in the right place but I don’t think there’s one right way to respond in this situation. For some people reconnecting with a (formerly?) abusive loved one is the right decision. For others it might be healthier to visit sparingly or to walk away from the relationship entirely. Any of these things can be done in a spirit of love and forgiveness. It’s not up to those of us standing outside of the circle to judge what works for other families.

Minimalist Street Art via Ken Kaminesky. I’m actually a big fan of street art but these pictures are fantastic. And, to be honest, any style of art can become grating if it isn’t done thoughtfully.

From How Advertisers Convinced America They Smell Bad:

Young realized that improving sales wasn’t a simple matter of making potential customers aware that a remedy for perspiration existed. It was about convincing two-thirds of the target population that sweating was a serious embarrassment.

Young decided to present perspiration as a social faux pas that nobody would directly tell you was responsible for your unpopularity, but which they were happy to gossip behind your back about.

The Giver was one of my favourite childhood books. I recently decided to reread it and was pleasantly surprised to see how well it holds up. Jonas lives in a community in which every major life decision is made for you – your career, your spouse, and which children you raise. It’s a world without war, colours, pain, music, grief and love.  If you’ve read this book I must know your interpretation of the ending. Just leave a *spoiler* tag in your comment so those who haven’t read it will know to skip ahead.

What have you been reading?

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, infographics, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

Couple Rescues Baby Bears. A couple’s ingenious plan for rescuing three baby bears trapped in a dumpster.

Glass Half Empty. Over-thinking the expression, “is the glass half empty or half full?”

Self-Help Without God. Book-lovers, my online friend Zoe needs some help! Go give her your recommendations for self-help books that don’t assume the reader is religious or believes in god.

How People Die in Poe. How Edgar Allen Poe killed off his characters. Fun fact: while a few of the characters in the short stories I’ve been working on this summer are dead no one has died to further a plot. Yet. 😉

Good stuff from Cosmetics Don’t Make You Happier:

Two countries that spend the least on haircare, skincare, fragrances and makeup — Netherlands and Sweden — have the best rankings in the Satisfaction With Life Index (SWLI).

I never would have guessed a raccoon would fear a cat!

The Night Bookmobile is a graphic novel about a woman who discovers a mystical library stocked with every book she’s ever read. I love this concept.

What have you been reading?

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, pictures, quotes and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

– This has been attributed to Marcus Aurelius but further research indicates he may not have actually said it. It’s a fantastic quote.  Does anyone know to whom it should really be attributed?

From How to Be an Ungrateful Jerk:

Wherever you go, you will find yourself surrounded by and confronted with constant reminders — reasons, causes, demands — to be grateful. You must guard yourself against them.

From Nobody Has a Normal Life:

 …every time someone talks about a “typical” or “average” life, they’re referring to a script that eliminates, conservatively, 98% of people actually living in society. This means that every time we make assumptions based on your normal, average, everyday person’s life arc, we are 98% likely to be wrong. We would literally be less wrong if we assumed that everyone is gay.

Atheist Afterlife: The Graveyard Book. This is a really neat conversation between a father and son about atheism and life after death. I’m not interested enough in the topic to have a dog in this fight but I love the idea of allowing everyone the opportunity to figure out what they do or do not believe.

The Last of Us. Click on this painting by Shaddy Safadi before reading the short story below. It complements “Ash and Dust” beautifully.

Ash and Dust. A short story about a midwife trying to survive on a dying Earth.

 I grew up with an unflappable mom. If any of our questions about sex or the human body embarrassed or surprised her we never knew it. One minute she’d be driving us around town or putting away groceries, the next she’d be answering questions about how HIV is transmitted, why certain forms of birth control fail more often than others  or the difference between sex and love.  Why is the Penis Shaped Like That? reminded me of these old conversations. It’s factual without being stuffy and is full of information I never knew about the human body. (Especially the bodies of men!)

What have you been reading?