October 20, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Deconversion Guide: Holidays

Welcome to part five of the deconversion guide. Click here for the last entry. 

Some of the biggest holidays of the year are just around the corner. Now is the best time to start preparing for them.

Once again I’m going to be assuming that your loved ones a) know about your deconversion and b) that there is at least the potential for weirdness over this issue.

Of course, some families are extremely comfortable relating to members who don’t share their religion.

And even families who are obviously uncomfortable at one celebration may have a very different reaction at the next gathering. I’ve had a wide range of experiences – from painfully awkward to not an issue at all – with the same exact group(s) of relatives.

So it’s entirely possible that this won’t be an issue at all. If it is, though, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Church

If this is your first visit as a non-theist remember that, at least for some denominations, the feel of a Christmas/Thanksgiving/etc. service is completely different than it would be if you attended an ordinary service. You will almost certainly not be the only visitor there and it’s much less likely that you’ll be pressured into anything.

If you want to avoid church altogether, travel on the day(s) that your extended family typically attend church. For example, Christmas falls on a Sunday this year. There’s nothing wrong with arriving later in the day to sidestep the come to church with us! conversation.

(Incidentally, travelling in non-peak periods can lead to less expensive plane or bus tickets. If you’re driving, arriving a day before or after the crowds can cut down on your travel time, too.)

Traditions

I don’t mind sitting quietly through a prayer but would be extremely uncomfortable reading the story of Jesus’ birth aloud (which is one of the Christmas traditions of my maternal grandparents).

Every non-theist sees this differently but it wouldn’t be polite or kind for me to participate so intimately in something in which I don’t actually believe whether we’re talking about the Bible, Koran or Bhagavad Gita. Even though I vehemently disagree with certain beliefs I deeply love and respect my theist friends and family members. Pretending to to share their faith, even if everyone knows it’s just lip service, would be incredibly inappropriate.

If you know a particular tradition will be an issue think about how you’ll handle it ahead of time. I, for example, might ask one of the Christians in the family to volunteer to read those verses.

If you want to change some of your traditions figure out what you prefer to do instead:

  • Volunteer at a soup kitchen?
  • Have everyone share favourite childhood memories?
  • Bake cookies?
  • Listen for Santa’s sleigh on the roof?

I can’t promise that everyone will go along with it but it’s generally better to have an alternative activity in mind when you’re attempting to change something that has been happening for years.

Awkward Conversations

Oh, you know the ones. One minute you’re slicing the turkey breast on your plate or taking a lingering sip of coffee, the next great-uncle so-and-so swoops down for a friendly post-dinner interrogation.

Good times. 😉

I have relatives and friend with whom I’m comfortable talking about anything and others who are politely redirected to less personal topics.

If you’re like me and can easily get caught off-guard it might help to practice a few stock phrases:

“I’m happy with my life.”

“Thanks for your concern.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Or even outright conversational hijacks like:

“Can you believe how fast little William is growing? It seems like just yesterday he slept through dinner in his father’s arms. How are your kids/grandkids/pets doing these days?’

I’ve mentioned this here before but the message boards at Etiquette Hell are a fantastic resource for learning how to politely wiggle out of uncomfortable situations.

Respond

What are your favourite tricks and tips for getting through the holidays? Is there anything you wish you had known from the beginning?

(I’m leaving these questions a little vague on purpose. Please share your story in the comment section if you haven’t done so already.)

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October 17, 2011 · 9:00 am

Fall 2011 Questions

Search engine queries from the last few months.

1.How to be a totally natural woman? Avoid whatever is unnatural for you. In my case it is makeup and high heels!

2. How to deal with over talkative people? Sit back and enjoy the show. I love listening to talkative folks because it’s so easy to figure out what makes them tick. If the one-way conversation really bothers you, though, just politely ask for some quiet.

3. Who is Lydia Schoch? A few words and phrases to describe me: ex-Christian, preacher’s kid, writer, day dreamer, nature lover and a nonconformist six ways to Sunday. Want to know more? Just ask.

4. What to say when someone says, “you’re brave”? Thank you.

5. Small talk is so inane. Why do people do it? They enjoy it. There is also something to be said for sticking to light topics with someone you’ve just met although I’m always relieved to reach the point where more meaningful stuff can be discussed.

6. Why [do] adults stop playing? They’re too busy doing other things, feel too old to do something so “childish” or have forgotten how important it is.

7. I don’t like wearing makeup but what should I do at special occasions? Continue not to wear it. Wear a really nice outfit or have your hair professionally styled if you enjoy that sort of stuff.

8. Apartment smells like last tenant. This, too, shall pass.

9. Is there unbiased news? Anything is possible, I suppose. But never ever trust any reporter or news organization who claims that they’re giving you the unvarnished truth. They aren’t.

10. Who was John Howard – Christian hero? A prison reformer in England in the 1700s.

11. Why is sex acceptable? You (probably) wouldn’t be around to ask this question if your parents thought it was unacceptable. And honestly there are far more interesting things in this world to think about than what other people do in bed! Like, for example, what you do in bed. 😉

12. Men wearing eyeliner and mascara… should come visit Toronto. I can all but guarantee that no one will bat an eye. If you’re particularly good at applying it a stranger might even ask for advice!

13. What is inside the mind of a quiet person? We’ll never tell.

14. What is the emotional difference between compassion and fixing someone else? Codependence.

15. Can someone spy through my ceiling or floor of my apartment? Yes. It probably isn’t happening to you, though.

16. Is it wrong to seriously doubt my faith? No. You could easily find that a little intellectual exploration was all you needed to reconfirm your faith.  And nothing that falls apart under closer examination is worth believing anyway.

17. Can you forgive someone and still not like them? Most definitely.

18. When someone says they’re purple? Believe them.

19. Can non-theist[s] be ethical? We’re every bit as (un)ethical as theists. That is, you cannot tell how ethical someone is by whether or not they believe in god. There are (un)ethical people in every group.

20. Reasons women shouldn’t shave their legs.

  • You hate doing it.
  • It’s October. No one (other than your SO, if you have one) will see that part of your body for the next six months.
  • You really hate doing it.

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October 15, 2011 · 9:00 am

Suggestion Saturday: October 15, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, comics, photographs and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

50 Unexplainable Black & White Photos. I suspect some of these photos have been doctored and/or set up but it’s still fascinating to think about how and why they came into existence. Fair warning: a few pictures are mildly NSFW.

Pandhandlers Do Not Grow Up Dreaming of Pandhandling. A fantastic review of an eye-opening blog.

Smoke In Your Eyes: Dragon’s Breath. Sometimes the truth does not set you free.

Lawns. This is one of many reasons why I love living in urban environments. Why spend so much time, money and valuable land growing a plant that we cannot eat, wear, build stuff out of or make into medicine? And It isn’t even an aesthetically pleasing crop which at least can be said about ornamental flowers and shrubs.

From How Swearing Works (emphasis mine):

All languages have swear words, but the words that are considered expletives and the social attitudes toward them change over time. In many languages, words that used to be taboo are now commonplace and other words have taken their place as obscenities. In American English, the words currently considered to be the most vulgar and offensive have existed for hundreds of years. Their designation as obscenities, however, took place largely during and after the 1800s.

I love Tina Fey. If you’re a fan of her work as well (or even if you’re not), buy or borrow Bossypants. It’s the perfect blend of sarcasm, biting social commentary and self-deprecating humour for which Fey is so well known.

What have you been reading?

 

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October 13, 2011 · 9:00 am

Mailbag #2

Anonymous asks:

How do you tell your extended family that you do not want to celebrate with gifts this year?

Good question.

My immediate and extended family has scaled way back on the annual gift exchange over the last half dozen years.

Children still receive them (and my grandmother reserves the right to give presents to everyone 😉 ) but almost everyone else has mutually agreed to exchange either nothing or very inexpensive items.

If this is a change you want to make for the 2011 holidays, discuss it now. Some people start shopping fairly early in the season. It would be much more awkward to end this tradition if the other members of your family have already purchased gifts for you.

Keep the conversation simple. Something like this might be good:

“I’d like to stop exchanging gifts for [the holiday you’re observing].”

Depending on your relationship(s) it may or may not be a good idea to mention your reason for wanting this. If you’re embracing voluntary simplicity, for example, remember that some people are threatened by the idea of downsizing their lives and they may project those anxieties onto you.

Also remember that change can be pretty scary.

Is there another tradition – volunteering somewhere as a family, a fun activity you’d like to try, etc. – you’d like to do instead? Now would be a good time to mention it. You don’t have to have all of the details figured out. Just knowing how you might prefer to fill that time may help your relatives be more willing to try something new this year.

And you can always go back to exchanging gifts in 2012 0r 2013 if everyone hates the new tradition.

Good luck! I’d love to know how it all turns out if you’re willing to share that information.

Do you have a question for me? Submit it through the contact form or in the comment section of this post. 

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October 10, 2011 · 9:00 am

Is Voting Worth It?

Recently I voted in a provincial election. (Canadians who slept through civics class and everyone else who isn’t familiar with our electoral system, click here.)

I have such mixed feelings about it.

A vote is such a small thing.

The person I voted for is not going to win based on my ballot alone. And no I don’t discuss who I vote for online. Sorry 😉

That may happen occasionally in small communities but places like Toronto never count on that one last vote to sway the fates in favour of a certain candidate or issue.

If I hadn’t voted the election would still have turned out exactly like it did. A single vote cannot sway the outcome.

 

On the other hand, activists like Emily Davidson and George Lee died.

Dead.

Gone.

Permanently.

Why? Because women and everyone on this list were either forbidden or strongly “discouraged” from voting.

Go skim through that list. I’m having a difficult time coming up with more than a couple of people I know who don’t fit into one of those groups.

A hundred years ago women weren’t allowed to vote. Fifty years ago African Americans were routinely disenfranchised.

I’m not saying the system is perfect. Discrimination and prejudice definitely still exist. But it is a whole heck of a lot better now than it was for our grandparents.

But a hundred years, fifty years is a blink of an eye. A hundred years ago your grandparents or great-grandparents were children or young adults. Fifty years ago your parents or grandparents were kicking around even if you didn’t exist yet then.

This is where the other half of my thoughts tumble out.

How can we take these rights for granted?

Your vote is your voice. It’s one of the few times when the government (presumably) cares about what you think.

Think about screaming into the fiercest storm you’ve ever seen.

One voice scatters before the words even rumble out of your throat.

Two or three voices barely mewl.

If everyone screams, though, even the wind must listen.

 

These are my scattered thoughts.

I don’t care about who you vote for. In fact, I’d prefer this not turn into a debate about whose party makes the gods happier.

 But I do care about whether you vote and why you’ve made that decision. Please share your stories in the comments.

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October 8, 2011 · 9:00 am

Suggestion Saturday: October 8, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, videos, photographs and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

Strictly No Elephants. There’s a short story wiggling around somewhere in this photograph.

From Should Skepticism be Divorced from Values:

Skepticism is not just about rejecting other people’s false or unwarranted beliefs, even though for most people, that’s about all that it amounts to: “I’m skeptical of your claim; I’m a skeptic and I’m right — you’re not a skeptic and you’re wrong,” whether you’re talking about ghosts or UFOs or Bigfoot or CAM or any of the myriad other claims that attract skeptics’ attention.

The definition of skepticism as merely the rejection of others’ false beliefs doesn’t go far enough for me. I think skepticism is best when it is self-applied, and when it is not just used as a weapon to bonk others in the head.

 How to Write a Love Poem. Just in case you have a burning desire to write a sappy poem for that special someone in your life. 😉

Do You Think Most People Try to Take Advantage of You? Fascinating stuff.

Do yourself a favour –  take five minutes to watch this incredible video:

The City from WTK Photography on Vimeo.

If I celebrated Christmas 100 New Scientific Discoveries would be at the top of my wish list. It explains new discoveries from a wide variety of disciplines in terms that those of us without professional or academic experience in them can understand without “dumbing down” the material.

What have you been reading?

 

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October 6, 2011 · 9:00 am

Forgotten Heroes: Ghandl and Skaay

Forgotten Heroes is a series of posts about extraordinary men and women who are (probably) not remembered by the average person.  Previous heroes include John Howard, Alvin Ratz Kaufman and Fred and Cela Sloman. 

If you know of a forgotten hero who should be included in this series let me know about him or her in the comment section or via my contact form. 

Time: November 1900

Place: British Columbia

Ghandl of the Quysun Aqyahl Llaanas and Skaay of the Quuna Quiighawaay were some of the last traditional oral storytellers of the Haida people.  Both men were exquisite poets who were keeping the oral traditions of their people alive. Both men were also handicapped. Ghandl lost his sight in what we believe was either a smallpox or measles outbreak in the 1890s. The records aren’t clear but both diseases are known to have this effect on some people.

Skaay had been active and vigorous as a young man but by 1900 was described as crippled. I wasn’t able to find out what happened or the specifics of his injuries.

War and waves of diseases like smallpox and the measles had decimated their numbers. At the time it was assumed that their culture was dying.

Enter John Reed Swanton, a 27-year-old linguist from Main.

Beginning in November of 1900 Swanton paid Ghandl, Skaay and other traditional storytellers to share their stories with him. Some epics took hours to recite from beginning to end. Had they decided not to participate we would have lost beautiful verses like these:

A woman was hoisting a pile of stones.

The cedar-lime line she was using kept slipping.

He watcher her a while

and then he went up to her.

‘Excuse me,’ he said,

‘But what are you doing?’

The woman replied,

‘They told me to hold up the mountains

of the Islands on the Boundary between Worlds

That is what I am doing.’

Or this excerpt of a poem from Skaal:

And he took one more step

and the earth and the house shuddered, they say.

And he took one more step,

and the house and the earth quivered.

And all together they cowered.

She said once again

‘Raise yourselves up!’

As she lifted her chin,

something powerful came to her,

and their heads rose like the tide.

Often heroes perform grand gestures – they save a life, fight against injustices long since swept under the rug, stir up a peaceful protest to bring about real change. But sometimes the most heroic thing to do is whatever it is you’ve been doing all along. Sometimes, in fact, there’s nothing this world needs more than exactly that.

Interested in reading more? Most of the information in this post was gleaned from A story as Sharp as a Knife : the Classical Haida Mythtellers and Their World.

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October 5, 2011 · 9:00 am

Wild Card Wednesday: Rising Atheism in America

The US is increasingly portrayed as a hotbed of religious fervour. Yet in the homeland of ostentatiously religious politicians such as Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry, agnostics and atheists are actually part of one of the fastest-growing demographics in the US: the godless. Far from being in thrall to its religious leaders, the US is in fact becoming a more secular country, some experts say. “It has never been better to be a free-thinker or an agnostic in America,” says Annie Laurie Gaylor, co-president of the FFRF.

The exact number of faithless is unclear. One study by the Pew Research Centre puts them at about 12% of the population, but another by the Institute for the Study of Secularism in Society and Culture at Trinity College in Hartford puts that figure at around 20%.

– Click here for the rest of the article.

This is one of those things that is heavily influenced by where you live.

Exceptions exist, of course, but someone in a small, rural, community usually lives under a different set of cultural mores than someone in, say, Los Angeles.

U.S. readers, how homogenous is your community? What percentage of your friends and family members share your (ir)religious beliefs? Have you noticed a change in that percentage over the last decade or two?

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October 1, 2011 · 9:00 am

Suggestion Saturday: October 1, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, videos, poems and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

20 Ridiculous Complaints Made by Holidaymakers. One of the funniest things I’ve read recently. Oh, the things people complain about!

Butterfly Surgery. I never would have guessed such a thing was possible. Hopefully the patient went on to live a full, happy life.

The Nuances of Deaf Culture. A fascinating post about some of the differences between deaf and hearing culture. If anyone reading this is deaf or has deaf friends/family members I’m incredibly curious to hear about your experiences.

Wild Geese. This is why I love poetry.

Dr. Seuss for grown-ups:

Oh The Jobs (Debt?) You’ll Create! from Marketplace on Vimeo.

If you like young adult, post-apocalyptic mysteries Ashes is the book for you. Alex is a teenage orphan whose brain tumour is slowly killing her. In an effort to come to terms with  this she heads out alone for a fairly impromptu camping trip.  And then the world ends.

Word is that Ilsa J. Bicks has two sequels to this book coming out in 2012. I look forward to seeing where she goes with the story!

What have you been reading?

 

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September 29, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Deconversion Guide: Illness and Death

Part four of the series. Click here for part three.

Today’s topic: chronic illness and death.

As I don’t have a chronic illness I’ve asked a few blogging friends for advice.  A little later on in this post I’ll talk about my experiences as a family member of someone with longterm health problems.

Chronic Illness

I asked Daphne Purpus, Bruce Gerencser and Trey Smith three questions. This is what they had to say:

Would you be willing to share your experiences with this [how Christians respond to your illness]?

Daphne:

I was having cataract surgery (2 different times with 2 eyes since they won’t do both at once) and the place my eye doctor wanted me to go to is first rate, but run by Seventh Day Adventists… As I am sitting in the chair and the surgery is about to proceed, the surgeon asks if I mind if he prays for this surgery.

Ok, now you have me over a barrel. Can I say no? If I do will that affect his abilities, consciously or not? I felt forced into saying it was ok, and in each case they put their hands on my head and went through a fairly lengthy audible prayer.

Bruce:

The last church I attended was a local church in Ney. My family and I attended this church for many months before we stopped in November in 2008.  I considered the pastor a friend and the church was very friendly towards me. (of course I was not a declared atheist at the time) From November 2008 til today I have not spoken to one person from the church besides the pastor and I have not talked to him since March of 2009. No care. No concern. If I wasn’t willing to attend their church there was no need to bother with me. (even though I had and continue to have great physical needs).

Trey:

Surprisingly, I don’t run into the issue very often.  Most members of my family are agnostic or atheist, so we rarely get into religious discussions at all!

What do you say when Christians offer to pray for you or say that their god can heal you?

Daphne:

 One doesn’t need a personal deity to subscribe to the idea that sending positive energies out into the world will have a positive effect…That being said, if someone says something like I know my god will heal you, then I start to baulk. The whole idea of prayer healing is a philosophical quagmire and even in my orthodox Lutheran days, I had problems with that. Why does god heal one person but not another. Is one more deserving?

Bruce:

Generally, if a Christian offers to pray for me I thank them and say nothing. I know they mean well and little is gained by entering into a debate with them about God or the efficacy of prayer. If a Christian asks to pray for me right at the moment were are talking I ask them them not to. It is one thing if they want to pray for me privately but I find people praying for me in my preserve to be offensive.

Trey:

From time to time, evangelists come knocking on my front door.  If it is in one of those periods in which I’m using my cane, I have been asked why and I tell them about my condition.  That’s when I get the “I’ll/We’ll pray from you” gambit.  My typical response is “If it makes YOU feel better, go for it.  It won’t make me any better, but at least you’ll feel better and isn’t that what praying for others is all about anyway?

What do you wish they would say or do instead?

Bruce:

I understand that many Christians feel a need to pray for the sick and I certainly don’t want them to stop doing so. That said, I would prefer that Christians try and help me rather than pray for me. The easiest words to say as a Christian is “I will pray for you.” It is much harder to enter into a person’s life and embrace them as a fellow human being…What I need is help when life is overwhelming or when I face difficult physical obstacles.

Trey:

Maybe, “gosh, that’s too bad” or “Hope you get to feeling a tad bit better in the coming days.”  I mean, there really isn’t too much a person can say.  It is what it is.

Trey, Bruce, Daphne – thank you so much for participating!

My Family’s Story

My sister-in-law has a neurological disorder that has yet to be officially diagnosed along with a few other health problems. Last year she suddenly became extremely ill, was hospitalized for a few weeks and didn’t fully recover for months.

It was terrifying. What is even scarier is not knowing what the future holds – will her health continue to slowly deteriorate? Will her symptoms eventually stabilize? Will she continue to be able to attend school and work? We just don’t know.

These are things I rarely discuss for a few reasons: it feels weird and invasive to talk about someone else’s health problems in such detail, there are so many unknowns in her future, I only recently learned more information about her and it’s hard enough to have a loved one suffer as is. The last thing I need is for this to be used as a witnessing opportunity.

A final link before I end this very long post: Grief Beyond Belief is an online support group for non-theists who have recently lost a loved one. It’s a truly excellent resource! I haven’t lost any friends or family members since deconverting but I’ll often read what Grief Beyond Belief has to say in order to prepare for that inevitable day.

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