Photo by David Goehring
Grant yourself a moment of peace,
and you will understand
how foolishly you have scurried about.
Learn to be silent,
and you will notice that
you have talked too much.
Be kind,
and you will realize that
your judgment of others was too severe.
– Ancient Chinese Proverb
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Part three of my series on life after faith. Click here for part two.
Today’s topic: Prayer.
How do you respond to prayer requests? What about praying before a meal? Is it polite to ask a well-meaning friend or family member not to pray for you?
Let’s talk about these one at a time.
Someone you care about is going through a hard time. At the end of their email or Facebook post they ask everyone to pray.
How should we respond to this? It seems dishonest to say, “yes! I’ll pray for you” if you don’t pray or believe in any gods (although getting out of that habit was really tough for me).
What is someone really asking for when they post a prayer request? Finding comfort in their religious beliefs is definitely a major part of it but I think there’s also a social aspect.
Most of the time friends and family don’t begin and end their side of the conversation with prayer. Advice or practical assistance – babysitting, bringing over a hot meal, helping with chores or errands that cannot be postponed- are usually offered as well.
Navigating the religious angle of it can be really awkward but anyone can offer to help in other ways.
This is probably one of the most common reasons that non-theists become a captive audience to prayer. It can also be something that is more difficult to opt out of discreetly if you are uncomfortable participating.
Usually I’m happy to sit quietly while others pray. A notable exception to this are prayers like this:
Thank you, God, for this food. We love you so much. Please teach us how to serve you better for the rest of our lives. Amen.
because they assumes a relationship that at least one of us doesn’t actually have with the speaker’s god. Your mileage may vary but I’m not ethically comfortable being included in someone else’s relationship with their god.
Promises are also something I take extremely seriously. If I say I’ll be somewhere or do something I’m going to be or do it. The last time I broke a promise was last fall when a nasty bout of the flu left me too weak to do what I had agreed to do…and I still felt guilty for staying home that night. 🙂
So what are your options when you’re in a situation where the prayer before the meal becomes uncomfortable?
You could talk to the prayer leader about it. I wouldn’t recommend this in 99% of cases, though, especially if the meal is hosted by the person who will be praying. It’s far too easy for these things to be blown out of proportion.
In my experience people cannot be forced to understand how someone outside of their beliefs sees certain things. If it comes up in conversation I’ll share my thoughts but I haven’t seen much good come out of bringing it up personally.
Another options is to offer to host. Anyone who visits my house is welcome to pray silently or in a small group before the meal begins.
Also consider meeting at neutral locations like a restaurant or park. The more casual the event the less likely that public prayers of any kind will take place and almost everyone loves a picnic or barbecue!
I’ll cover this in depth in an upcoming post but one of the other most common reasons for a Christian to mention praying for you is when something bad happens. Someone dies, loses a job, is diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Some non-theists do not find this a comfort at all. I completely understand why it would bother someone. Maybe I’m a bad Agnostic ( 😉 ) but I would only find this personally offensive if it was followed up with any hint of pressure to join that person’s religion or talk to his or her spiritual advisor.
Saying “thanks” and then switching the topic is one of my favourite ways to respond to this sort of thing.
Basically it all comes down to the intentions of the person offering or asking for prayer.
Does he or she want to convert you?
Is bringing up prayer a passive agressive act for this individual?
Is he trying to offer comfort?
Is she expressing sincerely held religious views?
Is prayer simply a habit for this individual?
There are many Christians in my life who would never cross that line. They sincerely respect my beliefs and are given a great deal of leeway when it come to these things.
Sometimes there are those who choose less respectful approaches. As I’ve mentioned in this series before, relationship history matters. You are the expert in figuring out what is happening with your friends and family.
Non-theists, theists, and everyone in-between: what have been your experiences with this?
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Here is this week’s list of blog posts, photos, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.
A Story Without Words. This is exactly what the title describes. More stories should be told this way!
How to Seem Good at Everything. There is definitely some truth to this. The trick, though, is figuring out what would be a really dumb move to make ahead of time.
Glass Beach. A century ago residents of Fort Bragg, California used this beach as a dump. When the North Coast Water Safety Board began cleaning up the area in the 1960s they discovered that the glass littering the shore was too difficult to remove. Mother nature stepped in and what was once trash now shimmers in Glass Beach.
How to be Around People When You’re in a Crappy Mood. Another fantastic advice post.
Bridging the Gap. Sometimes what Suggestion Saturday needs more than anything are some photos of a resourceful little snail.
We need one of these in every community:
Carol Bennet McCuaig’s Encountering the Wild makes me want to move to the country and figure out how to keep the wildlife from devouring my garden.
What have you been reading?
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Anonymous asks:
I’m negative. How do I fix it?
Hello! Thanks for your question. As you didn’t provide any other details here are a few things to consider for the next few minutes:
Ok, time’s up.
So what do you do with negative thought patterns once you’ve figured out why they’re happening?
The bottom line: negative thinking is a habit and like any habit it can be replaced with a more useful one.
I’d be lying if I said this was easy. It isn’t. But it can be done!
Do you have a question to Ask Lydia? Submit it through the contact form or in the comment section of this post.
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This is great.
I wonder what serious poetry would sound like if no one read it with the poetry voice?
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Some of the most popular search terms that lead new readers to On the Other Hand have always been related to not wearing makeup. Last year I blogged about why I don’t wear it but I’ve never talked about makeup-free special occasions in depth.
Until now.
Unfortunately there is still a double standard in this area. Women are expected to spend time, money and emotional energy purchasing, applying and reapplying makeup in order to look presentable. Men are not.
So what do you do when you’re headed to a wedding, job interview, family photo shoot or another social situation that traditionally expects women to wear makeup?
1. If you’re transitioning from wearing makeup to not wearing it consider the lipgloss effect. That is, using one highly noticeable product like tinted lipgloss can give the illusion that you’ve used other products as well.
You might not be ready to give up lipstick or eyeshadow right now, but what about cutting out blush, foundation, eyeliner and mascara?
2. Remember, unless you’re using makeup to complete a (pretty awesome, I’ll admit) parrot costume most people don’t notice these things.
Quick, think back to the last time you sat in a meeting or had dinner with family or friends. Who in the room was wearing makeup? Which products and colours did they use?
I’ve only ever paid attention to makeup that is unevenly applied or obviously the wrong shade or colour for the person using it.
3. Don’t talk about it if you’re worried it will be an issue. Sometimes it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission in this situations so to speak. 😉
In the long term it would be great if all of us who didn’t wear makeup were open about it. Just as with any other unconventional decision it’s easier for someone to better understand it if they know someone who does (or, in this case, doesn’t) do it.
But there are times when it’s better not to be the first to bring stuff like this up.
4. It’s easier to “fool” people if you’re otherwise dressed and behaving as they would expect for the occasion. Wear a nice outfit. Pick an appropriate hairstyle and some great accessories for the event.
5. Etiquettehell.com uses the term beandip to describe polite, subtle topic changes when you’re uncomfortable with where the conversation is headed . So if someone has a strong opinion on what you’re (not) wearing, ask them about the weather, their kids, or anything else to sidetrack the conversation.
Ultimately the only person this affects is you. It’s your body, your money being spent, and your time being used on applying and reapplying products. There’s nothing wrong with other people wearing makeup but this isn’t something that should ever be pushed. It’s your decision, not theirs and if you’re confident about your decision others are less likely to even see it as an issue.
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Here is this week’s list of blog posts, comic strips, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.
From Why Do I Write?:
“I’m a writer,” I said, scarfing my own little stash of meatballs. Guy lifts eyebrow. “Oh? So waddya write?” “Words, words, words…..” I cleverly parry, borrowing from Hamlet.
Why dance, why paint, why blow notes and air through a tuba…because we have to. But what does that really mean?
Dear Bruised Fruit. I loved this.
From Rewilding Etiquette:
Imagine a future where the most revolutionary changes in our world have not come from nanotech, genetic engineering, artificial intelligence or even space development–but from cognitive science and a deepening understanding of how humans function (or not) in groups.
How Babies Get Out. One of the funniest stories I’ve heard in a long time. It’s hard to believe there was ever a time in which this sort of thing was possible.
Carol Tavris’ Mistake Were Made (but not by me) is one of the best nonfiction books I’ve read this summer. Every single one of us justifies our prejudices or dumb choices by filtering out what we believe about those decisions. Tavris explains how and why we do these things and what we can do to uncover our blind spots.
What have you been reading?
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Forgotten Heroes is a series of posts about extraordinary men and women who are (probably) not remembered by the average person. Previous heroes include Josephine Butler and John Howard.
If you know of a forgotten hero who should be included in this series let me know about him or her in the comment section or via my contact form.
Time: 1930s.
Place: Kitchener, Ontario.
Imagine having eight, ten, twelve children not because you dreamed of raising a large family but because it was illegal for health care providers to teach you about family planning.
When our grandparents or great-grandparents were young this was the reality for many families in the U.S., the U.K. and Canada. (I don’t know enough about the history of other countries to say what their laws were on the subject but I am planning to research this for a future Forgotten Heroes post!)
The U.S. had Margaret Sanger working to change this. The U.K. had Marie Stopes.
And Canada had Alvin Ratz Kaufman. After the Great Depression forced him to lay off workers Kaufman was alarmed to see what the lives of his former employees were like. He noticed that employees with larger families understandably had a tougher time keeping everyone fed and clothed and thought that having access to safe, reliable contraception would help them.
In the 1930s he founded the Parents’ Information Bureau (PIB) and hired health workers to
go door to door in poor neighbourhoods explaining how to use certain contraceptives and which doctors were willing to sterilize people (even though it was illegal.)
Between 1935 and 1960 the PIB helped about 200,000 Canadian women take charge of when or whether to have more children. Deciding to send health care workers to women instead of expecting women to line up at a clinic helped the PIB reach women who ordinarily may not have participated in such a thing.
Contraception was not only illegal then but highly controversial as well. Only a few years earlier the Lambeth Conference in 1930 made the Anglicans the first Christians to post a statement supporting the use of contraception instead of calling it a sin.
It would be disingenuous for me to hide the fact that Kaufman was part of the eugenics movement. Yes, some of the other people in that movement grossly violated human rights in the name of improving the human race but none of my research on Kaufman has ever indicated that he forced anyone to have (or not to have) children.
Kaufman simply believe in the power of information.
And for that I am deeply grateful.
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Here are the most entertaining search log questions from the second half of the summer. A few have been lightly edited for clarity.
1. Why do you stop reading the story? Usually I stop because the plot is predictable and/or the characters are flat.
2. Is hand [palm] reading true? No.
3. Are we born skeptical? Of course not! No one is born believing anything, though. Most of the time children grow up sharing the beliefs of their parents or guardians and eventually decide to either continue following what they were taught or (de)convert to something else.
4. What has the Internet destroyed? Nothing.
5. How to get the rotten potato smell out of wood? Cover the area with a thick layer of baking soda and let it sit a few days. Rub more baking soda into the wood for extra deodorizing. Sand and repaint the wood to get rid of the stain.
6. Is it bad to eat one slice of cheesecake a day? Yes.
7. Do we have ethical obligations towards animals? Yes. I reluctantly agree that it’s ok to eat meat but it’s never ok to hunt any creature for sport or inflict needless suffering on them.
8. Why does lighting a candle make smell go away? Combustion.
9. Why do old people act crabby? My theory is that personalities distill over time. Someone who is crabby (or critical, or prejudiced…or generous, loving and kind!) at 30 will behave that way even more at 80. An alternative theory: physical or emotional suffering sometimes changes people for the worse.
10. Can family members be enemies? Yes.
11. What do I miss when feeling nostalgic? A rose-tinted recollection of the past.
12. What happens when the law of attraction doesn’t work? There’s a big difference between magical thinking and being persistant and optimistic. Work hard to achieve your dreams but don’t beat yourself up if they don’t happen right away (or at all). It’s emotionally abusive to hold someone personally responsible for what happens to them as the result of chance or other people’s choices.
13. What happens when one antibiotic doesn’t work? We try another one and hope that it works.
14. What court case is Sing Your Home based on? None. It’s fiction.
15. What’s wrong with doing good for goodness sake? Absolutely nothing. It’s better to do good for the sake of doing good rather than doing it to avoid punishment or earn a reward.
16. Why don’t negative people change? It’s hard to break old habits.
17. How to draw a “chosen family” tree? A few ideas: 1) make a collage of pictures ordrawings of your loved ones. 2) Draw a series of overlapping circles. Write one or two names in each circle. 3) Draw a constellation or garden. Label each star/planet/ flower/tree/bush with the name of a chosen family member.
18. What does fresh air smell like? Pick two of the following and mix them together: sunshine, clouds, crisp night air, sea water, fog, joy.
19. Why does cheesecake give me diarrhea? Possibility #1: you’re lactose intolerant. Possibility #2: you skipped question 6.
20. How to make candles that smell like trash? If you know how (or why 😉 ) one would make garbage-scented candles please tell us about in the comment section.
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Welcome to part two of the deconversion guide. Click here for the last entry.
The map on the left shows the percentage of religious believers in North America. The darker the state or province, the higher the percentage. (Picture by Some Thing.)
Today’s topic: How do you decide when (or whether!) to tell others about your deconversion?
Only you can decide what is best for your life but here is some food for thought along the way.
Is it safe to tell? Sometimes it’s a very bad idea to reveal what you actually believe. There are communities where non-theists lose jobs, marriages, homes, custody of their children or friendships because of prejudice against us. The best thing to do may very well be to keep it quiet for now (or forever).
If this is what you need to do, build friendships with other non-theists if at all possible. The Internet is a wonderful tool for connecting with people who know exactly what you’re going through.
Who needs to know? This doesn’t have to be an either/or decision. You might be comfortable telling close friends but not your extended family or vice versa. There are still a few people in my life who don’t know I’m agnostic, believe it or not!
Be careful about assumptions. As you’re deciding whom to tell remember to give people the benefit of the doubt. A Christian friend of mine was hurt when she discovered my deconversion through other sources. I had assumed she would have a problem with it (she didn’t) and never got around to telling her the truth.
That was a mistake.
History repeats. Generally people who are critical or accepting of you in one area (politics, religion, favourite flavour of ice cream…) will carry that behaviour over to other areas. The friend I mentioned earlier has always been gracious about our differences, large and small. I should have trusted her more.
This isn’t a perfect test, of course, but it can give you a good indication of how someone might respond to your deconversion.
Relationships can change opinions. It’s easy to hate or misunderstand an idea. It’s harder, although certainly not impossible, to carry those feelings over to a flesh and blood person especially when he or she also happens to be your good friend, cousin, neighbour, coworker, child.
No, this doesn’t mean that everyone is guaranteed to be ok with your deconversion. There will always be people who reject friends or family members who don’t share their beliefs.
But sometimes knowing and loving someone whom is part of a misunderstood group softens even the most deeply-held prejudices.
Non-theists, how do you decide when and who to tell about your beliefs?
Theists, do you have any friends or family members who don’t share your beliefs? How did you find out about what they really think?
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