July 4, 2011 · 9:00 am

Can We Only Know Our Countrymen?

It is very difficult to know people and I don’t think one can ever really know any but one’s own countrymen. For men and women are not only themselves; they are also the region in which they are born, the city apartment or the farm in which they learnt to walk, the games they played as children, the old wives’ tales they overheard, the food they ate, the schools they attended, the sports they followed, the poets they read, and the God they believed in. It is all these things that have made them what they are, and these are the things that you can’t come to know by hearsay, you can only know them if you have lived them. – W. Somerset Maugham, The Razor’s Edge, 1943

Due to Canada Day and Independence Day* today’s post will be shorter than usual.  I’d like to discuss this quote with all of you, though. My response will be in the comment section.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with W. Somerset Maugham?

Are you the culture you grew up in, the food you ate, the stories you were told as a child?

If you agree with W. Somerset Maugham how do you reconcile that belief with life in a pluralistic society?

*As a dual citizen I get two celebrations in the same week! 😉

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July 2, 2011 · 9:00 am

Suggestion Saturday: July 2, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, poems, short films and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

Learning About Liquor. If only everyone had this attitude about moderation!

Loom. At first I couldn’t believe this short film was animated. It does become more obvious later on in the story, though. I wonder how soon we will reach a point in which people won’t be able to tell if what they are watching was created on a computer or actually happened?

This quote from In Which I Promise Not to Call Myself Fat should be posted everywhere:

I will not criticise my sisters for how they look or live, casting uncharitable words like stones, because my words of criticism or judgement have a strange way of being more boomerang than missile, swinging around to lodge in your own hearts.

Butterfly People. Confession: sometimes I fall into the habit of believing that the image other people project (including but not limited to what we see in the media) is who they actually are inside and that I’m the only one who second-guesses my decisions, has bad days or just doesn’t know what to do in a certain situation. This is the funniest, most creative approach to butterfly people that I’ve ever seen!

From What Work Is:

We stand in the rain in a long line
waiting at Ford Highland Park. For work.
You know what work is—if you’re
old enough to read this you know what
work is, although you may not do it.
Forget you. This is about waiting,
shifting from one foot to another.

I haven’t read anything noteworthy this past week. What have you been reading?

 

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June 30, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Small Talk Chronicles

One of the things I dread about making new friends are the politely inane conversations people tumble into when they first meet. So many topics are off-limits for these conversations because they can so quickly devolve into hard feelings or a clash of ideologies.

Most safe topics aren’t things I have ever fired up my neurons about in order to form an opinion . I don’t:

  • Watch sports or reality show competitions.
  • Have kids or pets.
  • Believe that weather reporters do anything other than pick numbers out of a hat when making their weekly forecasts.
  • Know anything about fashion, makeup, or shopping.
  • Want  juicy details on what so-and-so did or said last week.

With the exception of gossiping none of these topics are bad and I don’t think any less of those who find them scintillating. They just aren’t intriguing to me.

Normally I don’t post about topics that I haven’t at least begun to unravel. I think I will turn this into a series posts as I figure out what does (and does not) work for those of us who hate small talk.

What I love to discuss – the life weirdnesses and triumphs that come with being a bi, agnostic, pacifist, childfree feminist – also tend to be stuff that isn’t always a good idea to bring up with someone the first time you meet.

Some people seriously do not respond well to any or all of these labels for reasons that don’t have a damn thing to do with me as a fellow human being. More often than I like to think about I’ve been on the receiving end of a lecture on why I am not (or should not be) one or more of these items so until we’ve either hung out a few times or the topics come up naturally in conversation I’m stuck with silly banter about the weather and fluffy’s latest adventure at the dog park.

What I’ve learned so far:

As much as I love to rely on asking other people questions about their lives I really dislike it when this technique is used on me. After a few minutes it begins to feel like an interrogation instead of a conversation.

Sometimes humour can be introduced early in a conversation but I express it most often through wordplay or dry, ironic understatements. Once someone gets to know me it’s entertaining but it can be jarring for people who aren’t accustomed to this style.

Respond

Fellow introverts and other despisers of this social convention, what tricks do you use to keep the conversation flowing more smoothly while playing the small talk game?

People who love small talk, why do you enjoy it so much? Is there any advice you can give to those of us who don’t enjoy it?

Everyone, do you prefer small fish or big ones? 😉

Penguins meet and talk small fish, big fish

(Photo credit.)

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June 29, 2011 · 9:00 am

Wild Card Wednesday: June 2011 Questions

I’m trying something new here at On the Other Hand. Once or twice a month lighthearted posts will appear on Wednesdays. Today I’ll be responding to questions and queries from the June search logs.

 

To what extent do you think that people should  be skeptical in their life? To the extent that it prevents them from doing or believing something just because everyone else says it is good.

How to recharge your energy over the weekend? It depends on what recharges you. Solitude, quiet and time spent in nature are my biggest weapons.

What different forms of violence are at work in the song of solomon? It depends on whether you’re thinking about the Toni Morrison novel or the book of the Bible.

 

Name 5 reasons why writing and reading should be together?

1. Literacy is one of our greatest weapons against prejudice and ignorance.

2. You cannot fully understand someone else’s point of view until you can accurately repeat their beliefs back to them in your own words.

3. Reading great works sharpens your writing skills.

4. Writing can teach you to be compassionate when others make grammatical or stylistic errors. It’s so easy to overlook a mistake.

5. The knowledge needed for both of these things overlaps widely. Teaching one without the other would be like encouraging people who have two legs to walk on only one of them.

Why should you lurk? You don’t have anything valuable to say.

Do you know a negative person? Yes.

 

Can communist[s] wear makeup? Yes.

Do quiet people ever change to talkative person? Yes. Talkative people also sometimes change.

What body wash makes you feel fresh? Dear search engines: why would you ever direct people looking for body wash to the blog of someone who uses very few scented product? It doesn’t make sense!

 

Why do I take compliments too seriously? Maybe you put too much emphasis on what others think of you?

As a Christian should you keep company of negative people? Why would the answer to this be any different than it would be for people from any other set of beliefs?

Can you read quiet people with music or body language? Only if you take us out to dinner first. 😉

 

How to dump a negative person? Say “it’s not you, it’s me.”

I feel like I know what people are thinking. If I ever had this feeling it would be accompanied by an equally strong urge to find out if I was right.

Product placement in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I’ve never noticed any.

 

I hope you will consider how your response can counter rather than reinforce the cycles of violence that spin around us. Excellent advice!

How characters came about. This is a great question to ask a writer. Sometimes there are fantastic stories behind a particular scene or character.

Just because you choose to no longer be friends doesn’t mean you need to be enemies. Agreed. There are many shades of grey between the two.

 

I want to have some enemies. Wow, I have no advice for you. I’ve never sought out this sort of relationship.

I want to eat free range products but can’t afford it. Teresa might be able to teach you how to grow your own.

There are quiet people watching you. Probably, yes.

 

Someone showing quiet hands. Dare I ask what quiet hands are or why one would show them?

Learn to be less irritated. Meditation.

The ethics of stealing from whole foods. Unethical.

 

Rhetorical answer for “what’s your religion?” Jedi.

How much more expensive is ethically raised meat? It depends on where you live and how much freezer space and spare cash you have available. Buying half or a quarter of a cow can be extremely economical over the course of a year.

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June 27, 2011 · 9:00 am

How to Avoid Emotion Dumps

Last week this blog had a series of search engine hits on what to do when other people dump their emotions onto you. I’ve seen this type of behaviour take many forms: extreme anxiety, anger, passive-aggressive comments.

A few thoughts on preventing emotion dumps:

Mark a Line in The Sand. There is definitely something to be said for explicitly setting boundaries. Not everyone responds well to this, of course, but it is a good first step in case the other person hadn’t realized he or she was imposing on you.

There Is a Difference Between Caring About Someone and Fixing Them.  It’s ridiculously easy to slide from feeling compassion for someone else’s troubles to wanting to rush in with the solution. (I know I’ve done it!)

Relationships Are a Two-Way Street. This is not to say that we should give up on those who are going through a difficult time, only that healthy relationships are reciprocal. If you find yourself repeatedly coming to the rescue of or walking on eggshells around someone else there is something seriously wrong with this picture.

No One Is Owed a Season Pass to Your Life. It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve known them or what kind of relationship exists between you – romantic, professional, familial, platonic or something else. No one is ever morally or ethically obligated to continue any harmful relationship.

You Have More Than One Option. There are an infinite number of ways to keep in touch. It’s never a matter of cutting someone completely out of your life vs. allowing them knowledge of and input into every decision you make. Yes, occasionally the healthiest thing to do is to stop associating with that individual entirely but many relationships can continue if you scale back contact and/or set firm boundaries.

What If You’re in The Middle of a Conversation?

Tell the Emperor He’s Still Naked. Do you remember the Hans Christian Anderson story about the emperor who was too embarrassed to admit he didn’t see his “invisible” clothing? Use this idea with care but I have seen some people back off when one person gathers up the courage to call them on inappropriate behaviour.

“No!” Is a Full Sentence. There’s nothing wrong with choosing not to participate in conversations on subject X or accept certain behaviours from those who are part of your life.  Not respecting these boundaries is a huge red flag for a toxic relationship.

Make Bubbles. If someone else is dumping their anxiety, anger or other emotions on you and you cannot avoid the situation try imagining that your body has been encased in an impermeable bubble. You can see and hear what the other person is saying and doing but it’s muffled and will never be sharp enough to pierce your bubble. This might sound cheesy but it works well when I want to avoid becoming too enmeshed in an unhealthy interaction.

Respond

Do you agree with my advice? What other advice would you give to someone in this situation?

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June 25, 2011 · 8:00 am

Suggestion Saturday: June 25, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, short films and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

Mary, I Was Here. If only we could know the backstory to this sign. I hope Mary is able to find out that Steve waited for her one day!

The Hunt. What would you do if you were told you couldn’t enter heaven with your dog? This is the kind of afterlife I could believe in if I was going to make absolute statements about life after death. It was also great to see such a loving, playful relationship between the protagonist and his wife. Too often our modern day media dishes up dysfunctional or cloyingly cute couples.

How to Deal With Crappy People. I’m not normally a fan of articles that divide all of humanity into a handful of categories but this one did have fantastic advice on getting along with horribly unpleasant people.

How Many Households Are Like Yours? My results: “Fewer than 1000 households like this in the U.S. < 0.01% of all households.” It would have been nice to see Canadian statistics as well but this is still a fascinating exercise.

From Why Good Conversations Matter:

I hope I’m not the odd one in suggesting that the great majority of conversations we have are rather stale – and it generally remains a mystery how, every now and then, they become more worthwhile. Finding oneself in a good conversation is rather like stumbling on a beautiful square in a foreign city at night – and then never knowing how to get back there in daytime.

What have you been reading?

 

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June 23, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Doves Are Watching

Today I thought it would be entertaining to talk about the assumptions we made as kids. My story has strong religious tones because Christianity was such an integral part of my first two decades of life. Feel free to share stories on any topic, though!

Growing up I was taught that doves were a symbol of the holy spirit. For years I wasn’t exactly sure what a dove looked like in real life. All of the pictures I’d seen of them were fairly stylized and we never lived in areas with high pigeon or dove populations.

Somehow the idea that the holy spirit was symbolized by a dove morphed into a private conviction that the holy spirit occasionally appeared in the form of a dove to see what us humans were doing. Using kid-logic I inferred that the holy spirit probably reported back what she had seen to God and that one should therefore be on his or her best behaviour whenever one of these creatures turned up.

One day I noticed an elegant little bird sitting by the side of a road.

“What type of bird is that?” I asked.

“A dove,” one of my parents said. I was in awe. God was watching us! For the rest of the day I tried to be on my best behaviour in the hope that a good report would soar back to heaven.

I kept this belief tucked away in the back of my mind for an embarrassing number of years. It wasn’t orthodox theology but it made far more sense to me than some of the official teachings.

Respond

What misconceptions about the world did you have as a child? What was your reaction when you learned the truth?

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June 20, 2011 · 9:00 am

Food Is Not the Enemy

Recently I saw this commercial at the home of the relatives we’re staying with while we look for a place of our own. (Photo credit – Miss Karen.)

The premise: a woman stands in front of a fridge, stares at a raspberry cheesecake and desperately tries to justify why she should be allowed to have a slice of it.

(This in and of itself was really weird. Unless you have medical restrictions on your diet or are wanting to sample a portion of someone else’s food, why would the concept of being allowed to do something ever be attached to what an adult chooses for his or her afternoon snack? )

Her friend walks up, mentions that she has been craving raspberry cheesecake and grabs a container of raspberry cheesecake flavoured yogurt. It ends with a voice-over announcing that this line of yogurts only have about a hundred calories per serving.

The commercial has been pulled off the air but I’m wondering how it was ever approved in the first place. No, it wouldn’t be advisable to eat a large piece of cheesecake every single day but food is not the enemy. It isn’t intrinsically good or bad, a reward or punishment, it’s fuel for growth, healing and everyday activities. If we don’t eat enough of it we will eventually die.

When others share unsolicited opinions on what I do (or do not) eat it doesn’t make me want to change my habits. If anything it makes me want to hide what I am eating, whether a salad or a handful of cookies. Shame and guilt aren’t good methods for changing behaviours.

Respond

Had you heard of this commercial before reading this post? Why do you think some people have such fractured relationships with what they think they ought to eat versus what they actually eat?

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June 18, 2011 · 6:00 am

Suggestion Saturday: June 18, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, poetry, art, songs and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

The Teacher. Once while driving home from a funeral my father compared the life of the person who had died to a book. For better or for worse the last chapter had been written and I wished that there was a way for us to read everything that individual had known.

Am I Delusional? Why do some people – theist and non-theist alike –  become so militant about their beliefs? Click on the link for an engaging discussion of this question.

Viruses as Glass. It takes a highly creative individual to find the art in disease. Most of us can only see the suffering.

10 Ways to Show Yourself Some Love. I love this list!

In the Year 2525. Futurology and a smattering of philosophy set to music.  This is why I adore baby boomer music. 😉

What have you been reading?

 

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June 16, 2011 · 9:00 am

The World Beyond Your Cage

Two of my favourite cartoonists posted strips on the same topic on the same day recently.

David Hayward had this to say about emotional cages. Nina Paley added her own twist:

around your mind

Both reminded me of an incident last week here in Toronto. A young squeegee kid and a middle-aged motorist allegedly got into a violent confrontation after the young man dripped dirty water onto to the older man’s vehicle. The motorist ended up with a nasty gash on his head. This article describes the incident in more detail. Fair warning for sensitive readers: the video embedded in it includes graphic photographs of the injury.

What I find most interesting in all of this is how much we assume that our responses to hypothetical situations are the only rational ones. People who are enraged by this incident seem to think we should fight off these encounters with as much force as is necessary to protect our families and possessions. Others point out how humiliating it must be to be constantly treated poorly by everyone else because you are homeless and urge compassion for the alleged assailant.

I don’t know what to think other than I suspect that our reactions to events that don’t personally affect us have a hell of a lot more to do with what is inside of us than what is going on in other people. Can this be changed? I don’t know. This isn’t even necessarily a bad thing. It is just what it is.

What do you think?

 

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