Mailbag #3

Anonymous asks:

How do you respond to a friend who is asking for prayers? 

Hi, Anonymous. Thank you for writing to me.

Say, “you’ll be in my thoughts” if it’s at all socially possible for you to skirt around the issue for the time being.

Most of time people don’t request prayers for happy, stress-free life events. As much as it sounds like you’d love to tell this friend the truth now is not the best time to do it.

It’s better to wait until the dust from whatever is going on in your friend’s life has settled down before you have the “I’m not [or no longer] a member of your religious group” talk.

If I’ve misread your message and you never intend to tell this person about your actual beliefs this gets trickier. It can be really difficult to compartmentalize one’s life like that. All it takes is one person who knows the truth to accidentally say something and your secret is no longer so secret.

No, I’m not saying that you have to tell them or that the only possible way to live a moral life is if you tell everyone everything about you. Sometimes it just isn’t safe to disclose certain things to certain people.  As a queer, child-free, non-theist I grok that 100%. 😉

There’s still the question of how one should respond to prayer requests without bringing (too much? any?) attention to what you actually believe.

If telling them that they’ll be in your thoughts is too vague, what about subtly shifting the conversation to something like this?

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about that. Can I bring you some groceries/babysit your kids/shovel your driveway?

Do you have a question for me? Submit it through the contact form or in the comment section of this post. 

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How to (Start to) Forgive Yourself for Small Mistakes

Photo by Richard Smith

Forgiveness has been on my mind this fall. It’s so much easier for me to forgive someone else for making a dumb mistake than it is to forgive myself.

Why?

There’s no possible way for me to control the decisions other people make. I can ask them to do (or not to do) something but ultimately it’s up to them whether or not they want to listen to me.

I can control what I do, though. In the past I’ve been pretty hard on myself over what ultimately turned out to be small bumps in the road. These things never should have stressed me out as much as they did. I don’t want to sound like I have this all figured out – there are still days when I expect much more from myself than I would anyone else. But I am learning to relax a little.

Here are a few questions that help you figure out if it really matters:

1) How would you react if a friend or family member did this? Usually my response would be a warm hug and something like, “it’s really going to be ok. Everyone makes mistakes.”

2) Will it matter in six months? And will you even remember it then? Most of the time there’s a world of no in both of these questions.

3) Is there anything you could (realistically) do to avoid similar events in the future? The answer to this one varies. Sometimes certain mistakes can be reduced or eliminated in the future by double-checking your work. At other times, though, short of developing superhuman abilities there’s nothing a reasonable person could have done to avoid whatever it was that happened.

 

Respond

Do you have trouble forgiving yourself? Is there anything you’ve learned that helps one feel less guilty for small mistakes?

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Suggestion Saturday: November 19, 2011

Photo by garyjwood.

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, videos, comics, photographs and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

From Back in Dallas:

Detroit always had a bit of a depressed feel, and it’s cloudy and grey so damn often it’s easy to see why, plus the 5 months of winter cold. …I wonder what others have to say about this, about where they live in comparison to other places. Have you felt this effect?

Tragedy #292. This would make a great short story. It’s also how I imagine life would be if supernatural abilities actually existed: awesome at first but perpetually boring thereafter.

Coon-Suit Riot. One of the funniest satires I’ve read in a long time. (Or at least I hope it’s satire….)

Interview with My Bully. As my parents used to say, “hurt people hurt people.”

Don’t punish everyone for one person’s mistake from Derek Sivers on Vimeo.

Suits Me: The Double Life of Billy Tipton tells the true story of a musician who was born female and began living as a man at age 19. Sexism influenced his decision – it was nearly impossible for female Jazz musicians to be taken seriously in communities he lived in during the 1930s and 1940s. But he (probably) also felt more comfortable as a man than as a woman.

Or at least that’s a theory. Unfortunately Billy Tipton never talked to his wife or children about this. I wonder what he would have said to them?

What have you been reading?

 

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Forgotten Heroes: Elijah McCoy

Forgotten Heroes is a series of posts about extraordinary men and women who are (probably) not remembered by the average person.  Previous heroes include Fred and Cela Sloman,  Ghandl and Skaay and Laura Secord

If you know of a forgotten hero who should be included in this series let me know about him or her in the comment section or via my contact form

Time: July 12, 1872

Places: Colchester, Ontario; Ypsilanti, Michigan.

The son of escaped slaves who fled from Kentucky to Canada, Elijah McCoy knew all about setbacks.

As a teenager he temporarily moved to Scotland in order to become certified as a mechanical engineer but back in North America could only find work as a fireman and oiler once his apprenticeship ended.

Despite his education business owners could not see past the colour of his skin.

Because he couldn’t convince the outside world to give him opportunities he created his own. Working as an oiler gave Elijah time to think as he walked up and down the length of the train oiling the axles, bearings and other moving parts. It was a fairly inefficient and time-consuming way to keep a train lubricated. Not only did someone have to do it manually but the train needed to be stopped periodically in order for Elijah to do his job!

Over the course of the next two years he figured out a new method for lubricating steam engines in ships and locomotives that could be done automatically – he called it an oil cup and on July 12, 1872 he received a patent for this idea.

Others patents include ideas for improved lawn sprinklers and ironing boards (not to mention about 50 patents for lubricating devices). If you’ve ever used a car, locomotive train, ship or rocket there’s a good chance that a descendent of one of Elijah’s inventions is quietly working away inside of it.

Elijah’s personal life was as challenging as his professional one. His first wife, Elizabeth Stewart, died four years into their marriage. About a year after her death he married Mary Eleanor Delaney.

In 1922 Elijah and Mary were involved in a car accident. She died and he sustained permanent injuries. Elijah died in 1929.

Before learning about Elijah’s inventions I’d always assumed patents were generally filed for inventions of entirely new stuff. It was a bit of a surprise to learn that patents can be filed for a small part of a machine or even for an improved version of an old part.

What interests me the most about Elijah’s story is his persistance. Many people were (and are) thwarted by far less in life. And working at a job for which he was grossly overqualified year after year must have been incredibly frustrating.

If only he was still alive. I’d love to hear his stories.

 

 

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The Gratitude Challenge: Part Two

Ok, time’s up. I hope you were able to find plenty of opportunities to express gratitude to all of the kind people in your life.

Now let’s take this a step further.

Think of someone in your life – a friend, family member, coworker, neighbour, or acquaintance – who really irritates you. This works better if it’s someone you see fairly regularly. (If you genuinely cannot think of anyone the rest of us will be happy to loan you one of ours. 😉 )

Once you have someone in mind, keep an eye on them. They will almost certainly once again do something that really pisses you off.

This is a good thing. Keep watching.

What are you looking for?

Something praise-worthy. Everyone has one of these moments sooner or later.

When you find it, thank them using as specific terms as possible. Don’t just say, “thanks.” Say something more like, “I really appreciated it when you ____. It means a lot to me when others do that. Thank you.”

Keep watching them. When it happens again, thank them again.

What I don’t expect you to do:

  • Like them.
  • Spend more time with them.
  • Feel like a bad person for finding X and Y so annoying.

All you need to do is genuinely thank them when they do something you appreciate. (It would be interesting to hear what their reactions are for those willing to share that sort of thing in public, though.)

I’m off to take my own advice. This is a much easier thing to preach than to practice, after all!

 

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Suggestion Saturday: November 12, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, graphs, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

 How a Population Grows to 7 Billion. A short video graphing the population boom.

 The Early Bird Really Gets the Worm. Like many other traits I highly suspect that we have little if any control over being early birds, night owls or something else entirely. I’m 100% a morning person and have been for as long as I can remember. Staying up late is extremely difficult (and sleeping in is impossible).

The Last Words of 25 Geniuses. Not sure how historically accurate this list is but it was quite interesting.

Babies Understand How People Think at Just 10 Months Old. The next time one of our siblings has a baby Aunt Lydia and Uncle Drew just might have to test this theory. 10 months seems awfully young to understand how others think!

This is just plain awesome:

This week’s book recommendation is Valerie Martin’s Property. As a young bride Manon Gaudet moved to a sugar plantation in New Orleans. Ten years later she’s trapped in a stale marriage to an occasionally violent man who has fathered two children with her slave, Sarah. When Manon inherits a small fortune her husband decides to exercise his right to dispose of the property and money as he sees fit.

At this time in history, after all, even wealthy, white women were at the mercy of the men around them.  Manon is oppressed because of her gender (and hates every moment of it) but doesn’t have the insight to see how she is also an oppressor.

What have you been reading?

 

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1000 Words: The Chair

 A chair sits in the woods.

Drew and I stumbled across it a few months ago.

I still wonder why anyone would go through the trouble of bringing exactly one dining room chair into the woods and then leaving it there.

Did a painter need a place to sit?

Are there other chairs from this set in other forests?

Was it a prank?

What do you think?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Wild Card Wednesday: Fall 2011 Links

A few times each year I post a list of blogs and other websites that have snagged my attention over the past few months. 

Celebrate What’s Right.

Ok, I’ll admit it. Some of the quotes and photographs on this blog are a little too sentimental. A few are even downright cheesy. I adore the concept of celebrating everything that is right in this world, though. We need more of this.

Long Form.

A blog full of links to long articles on a variety of topics. This is one of my favourite sites to visit when I’m running low on library books.

Make Everything Ok.

What if you had a magic button that made everything ok?

Now you do! 😉

The Illiterate Scribe.

From Matthew’s About page:

So with a certain feeling of humility I come to pick up my pen. I may fancy myself a scribe, but I’m reasonably sure I’m illiterate.

But I’ll tell you stories anyway. And I’ll try my hand at reviewing those that others have told me. Maybe you’ll see a bit of the world as I see it. Maybe not. At least I pray that you will be entertained.

We Are the 99 Percent.

I don’t care which political parties you follow or where you live – these stories could happen anywhere and to any of us.

Random Acts of Kindness.

A website dedicated to inspiring people to be kind to one another. It offers a long, ever-growing list of suggested acts of kindness.

What are your favourite new sites?

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The Gratitude Challenge: Part One

Your challenge today is to express gratitude.

I don’t think feeling gratitude is something most of us have to practice. Almost every time the topic has come up organically with friends or family everyone says that they’re grateful for all of the good stuff in their lives.

But I do think that we often have a problem expressing it. Why? I have no idea. If you have a theory I’d be interested in hearing it, though!

This is what I’d like us all to try: the next time someone does something you appreciate, thank them. Out loud.

The server at your favourite restaurant. The clerk at the hardware store who knew exactly what you needed. That amazing friend or family member who is always there for you. The dog or cat curled up next to you on the sofa.

Thank them.

There will be a part two to this post in a few weeks. In the meantime, practice this challenge.

You’re going to need it. 😉

 

 

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Suggestion Saturday: November 5, 2011

Here is this week’s list of poems, quotes, comics, photographs and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

From Off the Trail:

We are free to find our own way
Over rocks – through the trees –
Where there are no trails. The ridge and the forest
Present themselves to our eyes and feet
Which decide for themselves
In their old learned wisdom of doing
Where the wild will take us.

Can You Spot the Owl? I found it! Great camouflage, though.

Sky Shadows. One of the most beautiful photographs I’ve seen in a long time. Did you know that mountains can cast shadows on clouds?

Cheese. What asexuals look for in a partner. Very funny stuff.

If I Ever Disappear. Cat-lovers, how true is this?

A final thought:

If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. – Oscar Wilde

Unfortunately I haven’t read anything Oscar Wilde would approve of this week. Have you? 😉

 

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