Mailbag #1

Anonymous asks:

I’m negative. How do I fix it?

Hello! Thanks for your question. As you didn’t provide any other details here are a few things to consider for the next few minutes:

  • Are you otherwise coping with life ok? Negative thinking can be a symptom of depression, among other illnesses. I’m not a doctor (and couldn’t diagnose you over the Internet even if I was one!) but this may be something to discuss with your health care provider.
  • How do the people you spend the most time with respond to the stresses of life? A handful of extremely pessimistic or optimistic people can change the “feel” of even a large group.
  • Are you in a really tough situation? Does venting help? Shit happens, sometimes over and over again to the same people. Admitting that isn’t being negative, it’s being honest.

Ok, time’s up.

So what do you do with negative thought patterns once you’ve figured out why they’re happening?

  1. Acknowledge them. It’s ok to have a bad day or to admit that experience X was really difficult. Even saying or thinking, “well, that was a negative thought!” can help you realize what’s going on.
  2. Stay in the moment. Just because X happened before does not mean it will happen again. Trying to predict the future will only encourage a pessimistic view of it.
  3. Make a plan. Is there anything you can do to (realistically) avoid X in the future? If not, is there anything that will make it less harmful?
  4. Help someone else. Wallowing in negativity is much more difficult when you’re, say, shovelling a neighbour’s sidewalk or volunteering at your favourite charity.
  5. Flip your assumptions. When a negative thought pops up counter it with the best alternative you can think of. Maybe your relative’s health will snap back after that surgery. Maybe your boss was calling to offer you a promotion! As Pollyanna-ish as this sounds it works well with practice.

The bottom line: negative thinking is a habit and like any habit it can be replaced with a more useful one.

I’d be lying if I said this was easy.  It isn’t. But it can be done!

Do you have a question to Ask Lydia? Submit it through the contact form or in the comment section of this post. 

 

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Wild Card Wednesday: Poets Reading Craigslist

This is great.


I wonder what serious poetry would sound like if no one read it with the poetry voice?

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Makeup-Free Special Occasions

Some of the most popular search terms that lead new readers to On the Other Hand have always been related to not wearing makeup. Last year I blogged about why I don’t wear it but I’ve never talked about makeup-free special occasions in depth.

Until now.

Unfortunately there is still a double standard in this area. Women are expected to spend time, money and emotional energy purchasing, applying and reapplying makeup in order to look presentable. Men are not.

So what do you do when you’re headed to a wedding, job interview, family photo shoot or another social situation that traditionally expects women to wear makeup?

1. If you’re transitioning from wearing makeup to not wearing it consider the lipgloss effect. That is, using one highly noticeable product like tinted lipgloss can give the illusion that you’ve used other products as well.

You might not be ready to give up lipstick or eyeshadow right now, but what about cutting out blush, foundation, eyeliner and mascara?

2. Remember, unless you’re using makeup to complete a (pretty awesome, I’ll admit) parrot costume most people don’t notice these things.

Quick, think back to the last time you sat in a meeting or had dinner with family or friends. Who in the room was wearing makeup? Which products and colours did they use?

I’ve only ever paid attention to makeup that is unevenly applied or obviously the wrong shade or colour for the person using it.

3. Don’t talk about it if you’re worried it will be an issue. Sometimes it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission in this situations so to speak. 😉

In the long term it would be great if all of us who didn’t wear makeup were open about it. Just as with any other unconventional decision it’s easier for someone to better understand it if they know someone who does (or, in this case, doesn’t) do it.

But there are times when it’s better not to be the first to bring stuff like this up.

4. It’s easier to “fool” people if you’re otherwise dressed and behaving as they would expect for the occasion. Wear a nice outfit. Pick an appropriate hairstyle and some great accessories for the event.

5. Etiquettehell.com uses the term beandip to describe polite, subtle topic changes when you’re uncomfortable with where the conversation is headed . So if someone has a strong opinion on what you’re (not) wearing, ask them about the weather, their kids, or anything else to sidetrack the conversation.

Ultimately the only person this affects is you. It’s your body, your money being spent,  and your time being used on applying and reapplying products. There’s nothing wrong with other people wearing makeup but this isn’t something that should ever be pushed. It’s your decision, not theirs and if you’re confident about your decision others are less likely to even see it as an issue.

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Suggestion Saturday: August 27, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, comic strips, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

meditation

From Why Do I Write?:

 “I’m a writer,”  I said, scarfing my own little stash of meatballs.  Guy lifts eyebrow.  “Oh? So waddya write?”   “Words, words, words…..” I cleverly parry, borrowing from Hamlet.

Why dance, why paint, why blow notes and air through a tuba…because we have to.  But what does that really mean?

Dear Bruised Fruit. I loved this.

From Rewilding Etiquette:

Imagine a future where the most revolutionary changes in our world have not come from nanotech, genetic engineering, artificial intelligence or even space development–but from cognitive science and a deepening understanding of how humans function (or not) in groups.

How Babies Get Out. One of the funniest stories I’ve heard in a long time. It’s hard to believe there was ever a time in which this sort of thing was possible.

Carol Tavris’ Mistake Were Made (but not by me) is one of the best nonfiction books I’ve read this summer. Every single one of us justifies our prejudices or dumb choices by filtering out what we believe about those decisions. Tavris explains how and why we do these things and what we can do to uncover our blind spots.

What have you been reading?

 

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Forgotten Heroes: Alvin Ratz Kaufman

Forgotten Heroes is a series of posts about extraordinary men and women who are (probably) not remembered by the average person.  Previous heroes include Josephine Butler and John Howard

If you know of a forgotten hero who should be included in this series let me know about him or her in the comment section or via my contact form

Time: 1930s.

Place: Kitchener, Ontario.

Imagine having eight, ten, twelve children not because you dreamed of raising a large family but because it was illegal for health care providers to teach you about family planning.

When our grandparents or great-grandparents were young this was the reality for many families in the U.S., the U.K. and Canada. (I don’t know enough about the history of other countries to say what their laws were on the subject but I am planning to research this for a future Forgotten Heroes post!)

The U.S. had Margaret Sanger working to change this. The U.K. had Marie Stopes.

And Canada had Alvin Ratz Kaufman. After the Great Depression forced him to lay off workers Kaufman was alarmed to see what the lives of his former employees were like. He noticed that employees with larger families understandably had a tougher time keeping everyone fed and clothed and thought that having access to safe, reliable contraception would help them.

In the 1930s he founded the Parents’ Information Bureau (PIB) and hired health workers to go door to door in poor neighbourhoods explaining how to use certain contraceptives and which doctors were willing to sterilize people (even though it was illegal.)

Between 1935 and 1960 the PIB helped about 200,000 Canadian women take charge of when or whether to have more children. Deciding to send health care workers to women instead of expecting women to line up at a clinic helped the PIB reach women who ordinarily may not have participated in such a thing.

Contraception was not only illegal then but highly controversial as well. Only a few years earlier the Lambeth Conference in 1930 made the Anglicans the first Christians to post a statement supporting the use of contraception instead of calling it a sin.

It would be disingenuous for me to hide the fact that Kaufman was part of the eugenics movement. Yes, some of the other people in that movement grossly violated human rights in the name of improving the human race but none of my research on Kaufman has ever indicated that he forced anyone to have (or not to have) children.

Kaufman simply believe in the power of information.

And for that I am deeply grateful.

 

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Wild Card Wednesday: Summer 2011 Questions

Here are the most entertaining search log questions from the second half of the summer. A few have been lightly edited for clarity.

1. Why do you stop reading the story? Usually I stop because the plot is predictable and/or the characters are flat.

2. Is hand [palm] reading true? No.

3. Are we born skeptical? Of course not! No one is born believing anything, though. Most of the time children grow up sharing the beliefs of their parents or guardians and eventually decide to either continue following what they were taught or (de)convert to something else.

4What has the Internet destroyed? Nothing.

5. How to get the rotten potato smell out of wood? Cover the area with a thick layer of baking soda and let it sit a few days. Rub more baking soda into the wood for extra deodorizing. Sand and repaint the wood to get rid of the stain.

6. Is it bad to eat one slice of cheesecake a day? Yes.

7. Do we have ethical obligations towards animals? Yes. I reluctantly agree that it’s ok to eat meat but it’s never ok to hunt any creature for sport or inflict needless suffering on them.

8. Why does lighting a candle make smell go away? Combustion.

9. Why do old people act crabby? My theory is that personalities distill over time. Someone who is crabby (or critical, or prejudiced…or generous, loving and kind!) at 30 will behave that way even more at 80. An alternative theory: physical or emotional suffering sometimes changes people for the worse.

 10. Can family members be enemies? Yes.

11. What do I miss when feeling nostalgic? A rose-tinted recollection of the past.

12. What happens when the law of attraction doesn’t work? There’s a big difference between magical thinking and being persistant and optimistic. Work hard to achieve your dreams but don’t beat yourself up if they don’t happen right away (or at all). It’s emotionally abusive to hold someone personally responsible for what happens to them as the result of chance or other people’s choices.

 13. What happens when one antibiotic doesn’t work? We try another one and hope that it works.

14. What court case is Sing Your Home based on? None. It’s fiction.

15. What’s wrong with doing good for goodness sake? Absolutely nothing. It’s better to do good for the sake of doing good rather than doing it to avoid punishment or earn a reward.

16. Why don’t negative people change? It’s hard to break old habits.

17. How to draw a “chosen family” tree? A few ideas: 1) make a collage of pictures ordrawings of your loved ones. 2) Draw a series of overlapping circles. Write one or two names in each circle. 3) Draw a constellation or garden.  Label each star/planet/ flower/tree/bush with the name of a chosen family member.

18. What does fresh air smell like? Pick two of the following and mix them together: sunshine, clouds, crisp night air, sea water, fog, joy.

19. Why does cheesecake give me diarrhea? Possibility #1: you’re lactose intolerant. Possibility #2: you skipped question 6.

20. How to make candles that smell like trash? If you know how (or why 😉 ) one would make garbage-scented candles please tell us about in the comment section.

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The Deconversion Guide: Telling People

Welcome to part two of the deconversion guide. Click here for the last entry. 

The map on the left shows the percentage of religious believers in North America. The darker the state or province, the higher the percentage. (Picture by Some Thing.)

Today’s topic: How do you decide when (or whether!) to tell others about your deconversion?

Only you can decide what is best for your life but here is some food for thought along the way.

Is it safe to tell? Sometimes it’s a very bad idea to reveal what you actually believe. There are communities where non-theists lose jobs, marriages, homes, custody of their children or friendships because of prejudice against us. The best thing to do may very well be to keep it quiet for now (or forever).

If this is what you need to do, build friendships with other non-theists if at all possible. The Internet is a wonderful tool for connecting with people who know exactly what you’re going through.

Who needs to know? This doesn’t have to be an either/or decision. You might be comfortable telling close friends but not your extended family or vice versa. There are still a few people in my life who don’t know I’m agnostic, believe it or not!

 Be careful about assumptions.  As you’re deciding whom to tell remember to give people the benefit of the doubt. A Christian friend of mine was hurt when she discovered my deconversion through other sources. I had assumed she would have a problem with it (she didn’t) and never got around to telling her the truth.

That was a mistake.

History repeats.  Generally people who are critical or accepting of you in one area (politics, religion, favourite flavour of ice cream…) will carry that behaviour over to other areas. The friend I mentioned earlier has always been gracious about our differences, large and small. I should have trusted her more.

This isn’t a perfect test, of course, but it can give you a good indication of how someone might respond to your deconversion.

Relationships can change opinions. It’s easy to hate or misunderstand an idea. It’s harder, although certainly not impossible, to carry those feelings over to a flesh and blood person especially when he or she also happens to be your good friend, cousin, neighbour, coworker, child.

No, this doesn’t mean that everyone is guaranteed to be ok with your deconversion. There will always be people who reject friends or family members who don’t share their beliefs.

But sometimes knowing and loving someone whom is part of a misunderstood group softens even the most deeply-held prejudices.

Respond

Non-theists, how do you decide when and who to tell about your beliefs?

Theists, do you have any friends or family members who don’t share your beliefs? How did you find out about what they really think?

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Suggestion Saturday: August 20, 2011

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, charts, comics, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

If You Crave This. I don’t know how accurate this chart is but the next time I have an insatiable craving for chocolate or french fries I will give raw nuts and broccoli a try first.

Save the Words. A locupletative collection of words inches away from being taken out of the dictionary. Adopt one and save a word!

From Just How Hard Should We Try to Remove the “Ugly from Life?:

Separation and unity. Diversity and conformity. Conservatives and liberals. Religion and the absence of religion. Men, women, gays, heteros, children, sages, blacks and whites. Somehow, we need it all. And I think it would be a good idea to appreciate it all for its specific, individual value.

Toronto Scientist Determines that Fiction Can Change Personalities. Wow, what a fascinating study! I wonder if the same thing can be said about reading blogs?

No Problem. It’s so easy to forget that the cool, collected image others project is not necessarily how they feel inside. Everyone has his or her own struggles.

This is well worth the five minutes it takes to watch:

Earlier this summer a friend recommended Sarah Vowell’s Unfamiliar Fishes, a history of Hawaii from the arrival of the first Christian missionaries in 1819 to the fraudulent annexation of it by the U.S. in 1898.

This is a chilling reminder of what happens when religion, politics and profit crawl into bed together.

What have you been reading?

 

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How to Forgive Without an Apology

Imagine that someone you know just stepped on your toes.

“Ouch! That really hurt.”

Most of us would say something like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Are your feet ok?”

Sometimes, though, the response is, “I’ll walk where I want to walk. It’s up to you to keep your toes out of the way.”

What happens when the person who hurts you doesn’t apologize or even acknowledge what they did did wrong?

How do you forgive someone in this situation?

First, remember that forgiveness is not a synonym for reconciliation. You can completely forgive someone and still not trust them or have any interest in continuing the relationship.

As noble as it is to try to restore a broken relationship this cannot be accomplished unless everyone involved is working toward that goal. This is even more true when the person who damaged the relationship isn’t willing to own up to his or her actions.

Second, forgiveness isn’t ultimately about them or what happened.  Releasing your anger or bitterness is a gift to yourself. Forgiveness is a process. Most people don’t wake up one morning and decide, “I’m going to release my anger starting…now!” Just do as much as you can right now.

In the past I’ve visualized tying a balloon to my anger and watching it float away or pretending that I was chipping pieces from an ever-shrinking boulder. This may sound hokey but it has been pretty effective for me.

Third, don’t pretend everything is ok in the meantime. It isn’t (especially if this list sounds familiar to you.)

Fourth, buy new shoes. It’s much easier to stomp on the toes peeking out of sandals than it is someone who shows up wearing, say, these.

Emotionally speaking this might mean that you stop talking about certain topics with someone, tell them you’ll end the conversation if they do or say X (and then do it!), only agree to spend time with them around other people or no longer see them at all.

(Photo by Salvatore Vuono from freedigitalphotos.net.)

Respond

How do you react in this situation?

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Wild Card Wednesday: Extra Large Leaves

Drew and I recently had a conversation that went something like this:

“Why are those leaves so big?”

“I don’t know! They’re kind of creepy, though.”

Both of us grew up in climates where leaves tend to be about the same size as the hand of an adult. Our definition of the term doesn’t automatically include leaves large enough to wrap around a small child but a quick Internet search has turned up photos of even larger leaves.

This makes me wonder what people who grew up in tropical climates think of pine needles? It must be just as strange to them as extra-large leaves were to us!

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