Secular Meditation

Recently I began meditating. I’ve read about Buddhist and other religious-based meditation. I disagree with the vast majority of the religious/philosophical beliefs and assumptions about the human condition but the act of meditation itself resonates to the deepest corners of my consciousness.

Meditation is one of my most effective tools for calming anxiety about things over which I have no control. There’s something about just being in the moment, letting go of the what ifs and if onlys that is so freeing. My natural state is to  analyze everything around me at all times. You may notice me sitting quietly in the corner sipping tea and observing the extroverts among us. Listen closely, though, and one just may hear the whirring of my mind as I compose a poem, wonder how we’d cook, bathe, or keep the floors clean if the house suddenly turned upside-down and everyone had to walk on what had formerly been the ceiling, or ponder the hologram that is our universe.  There’s nothing wrong with any of this – it’s just how I naturally function.

At times it is necessary to turn my thought processes off for a time and live in the moment. Breathe in, breathe out. Nothing in the world exists for that time other than a beating heart, slow breaths.  I’m so new to meditation that I don’t have anything pithy or profound to say about it other than it’s working.

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Making Worry Work For You

A loved one was hospitalized due to a sudden illness recently. This relative is young and otherwise healthy and we still don’t know exactly why  she became so ill so quickly. It’s not easy to know that someone you care about is suffering and their symptoms are leading the doctors to suspect that they may have a life-threatening disease. (This family member is now home and almost fully recovered from her illness, for which I am unspeakably grateful.)

As we waited for more news, knowing that the act of waiting was all any of us could do, I thought about coping with the fear of the unknown. As odd as this may sound, I like to imagine the worst case scenario and then plan in great detail out how I would handle it.  Sometimes it is just my anxiety talking and I need to stop thinking so much, of course. But at other times I am able to beat back dark thoughts and fear over what may come with thorough planning.

You can’t plan your way to good health for a family member, of course; I will break my traditional Monday, Thursday, Saturday posting schedule tomorrow to talk about handling worry and anxiety when there’s nothing anyone can do to fix a situation.

In the meantime, I’ll pick different examples to explain my thought processes for the remainder of this post; let’s say that I decided to spend a week camping and hiking in the most remote corner of my province possible. Some of the things that could possible go wrong on this trip are:

  1. Inclement weather.
  2. An accidental injury.
  3. Getting lost and spending one or more nights outdoors before we’re able to be rescued.

Even though I know that none of the things are likely to occur I’d still begin making plans to deal with them should the worst happen.

Inclement Weather. In an unexpected severe thunderstorm,  we would probably needs stuff like: sturdy tents, extra food, a way to avoid being struck by lightening or knocked over by strong winds, and maybe something to keep us occupied while we stayed out of the rain. So I’d pick the sturdiest tent we could afford, research the best ways to create safe, strong shelters during bad weather and maybe add a pack of playing cards or a book of short stories to read aloud while we waited for the storm to abate. I’d also keep an eye on the forecast. If severe thunderstorms were forecast during our trip I’d stay home.

An Accidental Injury. If I knew about the trip with enough advance notice, I’d sign up for a first aid class at the local hospital or community centre a month or two before we left. At the very least I’d bring along a travel-size basic first aid kit and brush up on wound care and how best to stabilize someone who had burns, sprains or broken bones until they could access professional medical care.  I may also pack a whistle or other signalling device.

Getting Lost. I’d do several things to reduce the risk of this: packing a GPS or compass and paper map, planning out where we want to go (and what sort of terrain to expect) beforehand and, most importantly, sharing the plan with family members or close friends who lived nearby. If someone knows where we’re going and about what time to expect us back, any rescue team would at least have a good place to start if we don’t come home at the expected time.

Being Stuck Outside Longer Than Expected.If we ended up having to spend an extra night or more outdoors, what would we need? This is highly unlikely to occur  but my contingency plans would still include a basic plan for spending more time outdoors than was originally planned. I’d bring an extra sweater or lightweight blanket for chilly nights, water purification tablets and enough dehydrated food for an additional day or two. If anyone on the trip had prescription medication that needed to be taken regularly, I may suggest that they bring along a little extra as well.

Worrying about something that might happen – or even something that is happening – isn’t as easy to do when I’ve thought it through and done everything I can in advance to prepare for something bad happening. This won’t work in every situation, of course,  but I’ve found that putting a little thought into what I’d do in one potential emergency limbers up my brain in the event that something happens that I hadn’t previously anticipated. And, more likely that not, this hypothetical trip would begin and end without a hitch.

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Suggestion Saturday: September 4, 2010

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, comics, articles, photos, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

Why Strong Female Characters are Bad for Women.

I think the major problem here is that women were clamoring for “strong female characters,” and male writers misunderstood.  They thought the feminists meant [Strong Female] Characters.  The feminists meant [Strong Characters], Female. So the feminists shouldn’t have said “we want more strong female characters.”  They should have said “we want more WEAK female characters.”  Not “weak” meaning “Damsel in Distress.”  “Weak” meaning “flawed.”

Regrets of the Dying. A must-read top 5 list. The last point was my favourite.

What Would a Nerd Wear? I’m one of the least fashion-conscious people in North America. If it fits by any stretch of the imagination I wear what I already own until it falls apart. The author of this blog also wears more dresses in a week than I’ve worn in the last five years. And yet there’s still something intriguing about this outfit.

Randy Travis – On the Other Hand. My Dad sent me a link to this country music song whose shares a title with this blog. I’d never heard the song before, but Randy Travis somehow reminds my ears of childhood. Maybe Dad played some of his other songs around the house?

Fear Not. What does Pascal’s Wager have to do with convincing a small, frightened child that there really isn’t a monster hiding beneath his or her bed? Even more importantly, is fear contagious?

This tickled my funny bone:

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

What have you been reading?

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Pet Your Dog, Not Your Date

There were many things that the school that I attended from the mid 90s to early 00s did well. Sex education was not one of them.  The midwestern community that I lived in was rural, religious and conservative and the powers that be had determined that the best thing they could teach teenagers about sex is how dangerous it was so we wouldn’t have anything to do with it. Even if the curriculum they chose for us had to lie to convince us to remain or to become abstinent.

A few highlights from my adventures in abstinence-only sex education as a young teen:

Pet Your Dog, Not Your Date

This is the workbook page that stands out the most in my memory. The point being, sublimate your erotic energy into strengthening your emotional bonds, not substitute your pet for your significant other. (er, I hope.)

I’ve never actually figured out why this phrase ever saw the light of day. It’s ripe for mis-interpretation and doesn’t address any practical methods for understanding or coming to accept one’s emerging sexuality.

Hole-y Condoms

Holes too tiny to see with the naked eye, they argued, but large enough for the AIDS virus and sperm to sneak through could be found in every condom available for sale. There was a drawing in our textbook of sperm swimming through holes in a condom. Other forms of birth control were mentioned briefly as well, but only to point out their failure rates and the potential side effects of each type of contraception. Even sterilization, we were warned, could fail to prevent a pregnancy. And no form of birth control could protect our hearts.

Men Want Sex, Women Want Romance

(un)Remarkably, at least for that time and place,  the exercises we were to consider virtually always involved the myriad of ways in which a teenage girl could say no to sex with her would-be (male) suitor. Rarely a teenage male protagonist would ponder how to preserve his manliness without having sex with his lady-friend. In either scenario, though, it was assumed that one member of the (always heterosexual) couple yearned for sex from the depths of their loins, the other member of the couple wasn’t ready and that each of them would always assume the same role in that aspect of their relationship.

Here’s the thing: I felt something was wrong from the very beginning of this class and the condom hole mythlead me to assume that everything they said about sex was a lie.Other than the basic physiology of the reproductive organs and a few other simple biological facts, I’ve rejected everything they taught us. Women are not responsible for the sexual urges of other people. Sex is not the only thing men think about. Not everyone grows up to be heterosexual. Having sex has nothing at all to do with whether you’re a decent human being.

I shudder whenever I hear about current middle or high school student being taught about abstinence even though I tend to agree that the majority of teenagers are not emotionally or socially prepared to handle the possibility of pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection. (Of course, I’ve also known people who were 30, 40, 50 years old and still nowhere near being ready to accept the consequences of their actions, sexual or otherwise.)

To be fair, there are some valuable lessons I learned from my abstinence-only sex education.

  1. Don’t lie. It erodes the trust of others.
  2. Exaggerating, manipulating or massaging the truth is worse than lying because it is so easily passed down to the next generation. This is how urban legends and myths are created.
  3. Stereotypes are as destructive to the people who fit into them as they are to the people who do not.
  4. Prepare for the worst but never assume that it’s the only possible (or most likely) outcome.
  5. Ultimately, each one of us can only be held responsible for what we do or say as individuals. I’m not responsible for your actions or thoughts, you’re equally not responsible for mine.

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Living More With Less

A few weeks ago Teresa from Thoughtful Eating recommended that I read Living More with Less by Doris Janzen Longacre, a book about the connection between social justice and simple living from a Mennonite perspective. This book illustrates a few of the many reasons why if I was ever going to go back to church it would almost certainly be a Mennonite congregation.

Most of the books, articles and blogs I’ve read about simple living are focused on the benefits of those things for us as individuals. There’s nothing wrong with choosing a more frugal lifestyle for personal gain but Longacre’s focus on the often mindless waste of resources in the west and her description of how changing these habits can benefit others as much if not more than it helps us was a breath of fresh air.

My favourite section of the book involved a list of imaginary development problems that were commented upon by people who lived outside of the United States.  Topics ranged from building energy-efficient public transportation to connect small towns across the U.S. to living without disposable goods to using fewer kitchen appliances and less energy when cooking. Their suggestions for these problems showed how difficult it can be to offer realistic solutions for systemic problems in cultures that you know little or nothing about.  Yet people in the west often give similar well-meaning but misguided advice about which seeds to buy or irrigation systems to use when the people who actually live in that society already know that those items or ideas aren’t going to work for their community. I had never thought about this before and it was a section I re-read several times.

The second half of the book contains tips on getting the most out of what we do use whether it is the clothing we wear, the food we eat, the homes we live in or the celebrations we have for weddings and baby showers among other events. These tips ranged from how to use vinegar to get rid of soap scum to how to build your own home in the side of a hill or out of recycled materials.

One of the biggest drawbacks to many the techniques described in this book, though, is that they require a lot of time and skill. Maintaining a vegetable garden, preserving food safely, cooking every meal at home from scratch, sewing your own clothes, building or retrofitting an eco-friendly home out of recycled materials…none of these things are easy to do when one is already working a full-time job elsewhere. This is something that is feasible for families who live in a rural setting and can devote at least one adult to learning and doing all of these activities. It is more difficult, though, for the 79% of Americans who live in urban areas (80% in Canada) or the 61% of  women who work outside of the home. (59% in the US).

I recognize that this is partially a matter of cultural differences between 1980 and 2010 and (to a degree) cities and rural communities. To be fair, the introduction does say:

Approach this book as if it were an invitation to a treasure hunt rather than a summons to a final exam. Doris Longacre has no interest in legalism or works-righteousness.

One of the things I respect the most about Longacrue is that she isn’t dogmatic about the application of every suggestion in this book.  I don’t know if I’m romanticizing the Mennonite community or if I have just happened to continuously  meet people from that background who approach even their most strongly held convictions with humility and grace but this is something that I deeply admire about them.

I do wish, though, that one of Longacres descendants would write a sequel to this book that addresses the societal shifts of the last generation or two and offered more examples of simple living for the sake of others for everyone outside of the breadwinner dad, stay-at-home mom and several young children model of life. I can only imagine what sort of creative solutions have been hammered out over the last three decades.

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Suggestion Saturday: August 28, 2010

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, games, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

One of These Kittens Is Not Like the Others. A short video about a cat who adopts an orphaned rabbit. I wonder if the breast milk of a carnivore has the right balance of nutrients for a growing herbivore?

The Queer Science Experiment; or, Too Much Information. Intrusive questions from strangers or near-strangers are not limited to one’s sexual orientation or gender identity, of course. This article strikes a fantastic balance between maintaining privacy and educating others about whatever it is they feel the need to have an opinion about in our lives.

The issue is not especially with asking questions; we’d never get anywhere in this world if curiosity were a morally objectionable character flaw. People can ask me whatever they want, but I in turn have the right to say “That’s none of your business.” [emphasis mine.]

Is It Safe to Burn Driftwood In a Stove? I don’t own a wood-burning stove but was still curious to read more. It’s better to have a little unnecessary knowledge floating around in one’s brain than to desperately need that information and have neither a clue about the correct answer nor a way of obtaining one.

Extinct! – Darwin Today. The object of this game: to successfully pass on genes to the next generation of plants. If you choose the wild plant the best strategy is to disperse as many seeds as possible. Domesticated plants should grow fewer, larger seeds in the hopes that the farmer will decide to plant them next year. These are the only hints I will share. Have fun figuring the rest of it out!

The Firm Grip of Christianity.  This is why I generally do not discuss my religious beliefs with Christians.

What have you been reading?

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How (Not) to Solicit Charitable Donations

More and more often I’ve noticed charities using fundraising techniques that leave a bad taste in my mouth. Part of this is probably due to confirmation bias – it’s easy to remember charities that use questionable techniques and to forget ones that don’t cross the line.

A few of the techniques I find most distasteful:

1) Street canvassers. I’d never come across this before moving to an urban area but in my city is very common for representatives from various foreign and domestic aid groups to stand on the busiest streets and ask for donations as you walk by. They are polite but persistant, only accept donations through credit cards and are somehow never have any pamphlets or business cards on them to help one contact the organization in question for more information. I suspect they may work on commission.

2) Fear mongering. This is a technique used by charities and non-profits across the political and social spectrum.  Even when I agree with their political position, and especially when I secretly wonder how long it will be until some of their less macabre prophesies come true, I despise this technique. Yes, there’s always a small chance that any country will systemically strip away certain (or all of the..) rights and freedoms that we currently enjoy. But I don’t think that my small donation will stop it. And I really don’t think that any good comes from scaring the hell out of your donors…especially when we all know the same stories will be dredged up at the next fundraising campaign or election cycle.

3) Requests for More Donations. These may arrive through flyers, email, phone calls, door-to-door canvassing or other methods that I luckily have yet to experience. I realize that these things are done because, well, they work. Enough people will give to make these drives worthwhile. I’m one of those donors who doesn’t like to be pestered, though. When I can afford it I will donate again.

4. Freebies. A few years ago, shortly after an emergency-room visit, the hospital that treated me mailed me a free reusable canvas bag and asked for a donation. I hadn’t asked for the bag but felt as strange about sending in a donation as I did keeping the free gift without “paying” for it. At the very least I wish they would have asked me up front if I wanted to be added to their mailing list. Medicine  should only be mixed with fundraising under the supervision of a physician…or something.

5. Selling/Renting Out Mailing Lists. I’ve stopped donating to more than one charity who shared my information with other groups. Yes, I may want to save the seals, but that doesn’t mean I have the funds or energy to also save the aardvarks, elephants, chimpanzees, and billy goats. I did not know until fairly recently that you can ask charities not to share your information with other groups. In the future I will be donating only to organizations who have a do not share my information list.

I like mailing lists that focus on solutions to the social issue/problem, don’t ask for donations in the body of the text (although a link to their website for more information about donating is ok) and are rare. As in, maybe I’ll hear from them once or twice a year.

While browsing http://www.charitynavigator.org/ I came across http://www1.networkforgood.org/, an organization that helps individuals fundraise for the charities of their choice. It also enables people to donate anonymously which would eliminate all of the things that annoy me about donating to nonprofit organizations. I haven’t tried it yet but when I do I’ll share my experiences with it here.

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On Not Celebrating Christmas

Growing up and into the first few years of adulthood I celebrated a more-or-less traditional form of Christmas with my family. I don’t observe it as a religious or secular holiday any longer for several reasons.

Christmas and Religion. I don’t celebrate Eid, Hanukkah or Yule because I’m not Muslim, Jewish or Neopagan. Why, then, continue to celebrate the religious aspects of Christmas when I no longer necessarily identify myself as a Christian?

Simple Living.  I’m content to live a fairly simple life, buying only what I genuinely need whenever it is that I need it.  A well thought out gift can mean the world to both the giver and to the receiver, of course, and I’m grateful when other people give gifts to me but it has been my experience that most gift exchanges are neither necessary nor discerning of what the receiver actually needs. There’s only so much clothing one can wear at one time, food one can eat, books one can read, gift certificates one can redeem and electronics one can enjoy in an hour or month or year. I’d rather wear out what I already own before I acquire more possessions that aren’t going to be put to good use.

Consumerism. I’m not ethically comfortable with the consumeristic and materialistic values often associated with this season. What should be a loving, joyful time of year often instead becomes busy, expensive and stressful. Showing love for family, friends and your significant other has somehow mutated into a social obligation to prove your feelings by buying them nice stuff. There’s something very wrong about that.

Giving and receiving are wonderful parts of being in a relationship or social group but neither of those things should be boxed into one event a year or limited to what is sold in stores. The best gifts I’ve ever given (and received) have been labours of time and love. Many people are comfortable both giving gifts over the winter holidays and throughout the year. This doesn’t have to be an either/or choice, of course, but giving spontaneous gifts of time, or attention, or advice, or help with a special project, or yes sometimes even actual physical objects throughout the year works better for me.

And then there are the exceptions to this rule. Technically I’m sure that my nephew doesn’t need any more stuff, but I also believe that Christmas is holiday for children. When I was little there was nothing more magical than opening up presents from the grown-ups who loved me on Christmas morning. Even the smallest gifts from them made me giddy. So I do make exceptions for young relatives. I’m slowly learning that I prefer to give special trips or other experiences over adding yet another toy or game for my brother and sister-in-law to trip over…but ultimately I’d give him almost anything that his parents approved of when Christmas or his birthday rolls around.

Occasionally I am able to spend Christmas with my family in the U.S. A few family members absolutely adore Christmas so I’m flexible when we get together during that time of year. So far we’ve had one surprisingly un-observant “Christmas” – we didn’t exchange presents or decorate but we did have home-cooked, sit-down meals together. Over that same trip I also attended a Sunday morning Christmas service at a local Mennonite church with the family. It was a gift of sorts for my grandparents and great-aunts to be surrounded by so many members of their family on one of the most family-oriented Sundays of the year.

Several years ago my grandparents organized donations from teens and adults in our extended family to send two or three care packages to a Mennonite charity in Africa that provides personal care items and some very basic medical supplies to adults who have been diagnosed with AIDS. Assembling those packages is one of my all-time favourite memories of them.  If my family wanted to exchange gifts the next time we’re all together over Christmas I might suggest that we do something charitable  again but would be willing to go along with the original plan if that was the majority decision. As much of a cliche as this is to type relationships are more important than my preference not to celebrate the commercial aspects of this holiday.

You may be wondering why I’m bringing this topic up in August, months before the average person begins to think about this sort of thing. I have two reasons for doing this. Number one: retail stores are just now or soon will be receiving their first shipments of winter-holiday-themedmerchandise which will so overflow their storage rooms that it will probably ooze onto store shelves within the next month or so. After working in that environment for so long I automatically begin thinking about these things at the end of summer. Only 125 days to go! Number two: If anyone reading decides to change their gift exchange preferences, now is the time to mention it to friends and family.

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Suggestion Saturday: August 21, 2010

Here is this week’s list of blog posts, comic strips, videos and other tidbits from my favourite corners of the web.

Tree Toads, Truebella, Frostius…Oh, and Did I Mention the Communal Nests? Did you know that some species of bush toads build communal nests? I’d never heard of such a thing before reading this article.

What Should You Do When the Police Bang on Your Window at 10 PM and Scream For You to Open the Door? I knew the answer to this question before I read the post. It doesn’t seem to be common knowledge, though. What would you do?

A Factory in Every Home. The RepRap is an open source, self replicating printer that makes a dazzling variety of household goods. I hope it catches on!

Celebrating the Overturning of Prop 8 with the Body of Christ. The story Julie shares here about something she regrets not doing has tumbled around in the back of my mind all week. Coincidentally, recently I’ve been trying to reconnect with some old acquaintances. It’s easy to get so caught up in our own lives that we forget to reach out to others.

What have you been reading?

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Giving Up Cable TV

In a few weeks my significant other and I will be giving up cable TV for good. We are definitely not the first people to do this but for a couple that follows as many television shows as we do it is a big step. A few different factors led to us making this decision: the rising cost of even basic cable, the extra 10 to 20 minutes wasted on commercials for every show that we watch as it airs, and the low quality of entertainment for most channels on most nights of the week.

There’s also the internet factor: we can now download most if not all of our favourite shows online. iTunes sells individual episodes of a wide variety of programs for a few dollars per episode or an entire season of a television show for about the same amount of money one would pay for a movie on DVD. If we download the same number of shows that we watched last year we will be paying about the same amount a month as we did for cable. (We are planning to cut back on our must-see list, though.) On the other hand, we will never have to watch any commercials and once a new episode airs and we download it we can watch it whenever we both have the free time to do so.  Television will no longer rule our schedules.

In previous years we’ve used television most heavily over the winter. My husband has a fatigue disorder which becomes much worse during the winter. It often makes it difficult for him to do much else other than going to work from late December to the middle or end of March when the weather warms up, the snow melts and we have more hours of light again. If we have a particularly dark, cold autumn or spring he can go into what I think of as his hibernation as early as the beginning of November and not emerge again until April.

During this time watching our favourite TV shows is part of a rather short list of activities in which he is almost always able to do. Eventually I’d like to compress most or all of our television watching into those months so that we can spend more time during the rest of the year doing everything that isn’t easy for him to do while hibernating: going on road trips, camping, visiting friends and family members, and spending a fair amount of time outdoors. We will have to see how our habits change this winter and if this plan works for us!

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