Tag Archives: Holidays

October 15, 2012 · 9:00 am

Behind Closed Doors

While I was growing up my father often said, “you never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life.” It was eye-opening as a preacher’s kid to glimpse what was really happening in other people’s homes.

Some of the happiest families at church assumed those roles by stuffing their darkest secrets so deeply into themselves that I don’t think most of our mutual friends ever knew what was really going on.

I think we all do this to an extent. Here in the present day I have several friends dealing with fairly serious health problems. One of them responds to it by skimming the surface of life when giving health updates. Only those of us who’ve known this individual a long time have been told more. Another friend deals with the frustration and fear by talking about it in great detail with any friends willing to listen.

I don’t know why some people are more willing to reveal what’s really going on in their lives than are others. It’s an interesting idea to think about as we slowly move closer to the holiday season, though.

One of the most frustrating things about that time of year for me is how easy it is to feel forced into the one big happy family box. Advertisements are filled with families who make the Cosbys and the Waltons look dysfunctional and there’s a social expectation that everyone loves this time of year . There doesn’t seem to be a great deal of emotional room for families who aren’t closely-knit or who don’t, in fact, all live in the same state. Or country.

Watching my friends figure out how to navigate their new diagnoses reminds me that I don’t actually know what is going on in other people’s lives. Maybe you’re just as annoyed with the impending mandatory holiday cheer and togetherness as I am?

Let me know in the comment section.

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October 8, 2012 · 9:00 am

Thanksgiving Thoughts

This past year or so has been quite the roller coaster ride.  Drew and I have moved twice, had several relatives become seriously ill, said a permanent goodbye to two extended family members and dealt with a host of other life challenges.

This quote is one of the things that pulled me through some tough times. Even when I couldn’t possibly imagine how things would turn out ok…they eventually did.

The roughest waters seem to be behind us for the moment. I don’t know what lies around the next bend but I’m so grateful for everything we do have – each other, friends and family who stick around through thick and thin, enough money to pay the bills, and a warm, safe roof over our heads.

This Thanksgiving will be a quiet one. We won’t be participating in any of the traditional festivities. I’m not a fan of many of the foods one typically serves at Thanksgiving and neither of us feels the need to cook a big meal. Maybe we’ll start a new tradition instead?

My regular posting schedule resumes on Thursday. In the meantime Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian readers and happy Columbus Day to U.S. readers. May your day off include everything you like and nothing that you do not.

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January 2, 2012 · 9:00 am

4 Ways to Be Kind to Yourself

December wasn’t an easy month for me. To be honest by the end of it I’d grown pretty grouchy and wavered between feeling guilty for letting stress affect me so much and bristling against the forced cheerfulness of the season.

Sometimes, this process can be very subconscious. We won’t know why we’re being mean or angry or greedy or jealous—we’ll just do it.

From 4 Ways to Be Kind When You Don’t Feel Like It.

I loved this blog post so much I thought I’d write a companion article to it. Sometimes it can be as difficult to be kind to yourself as it is to be kind to others.

Here are a few things that have helped me over the last several weeks:

1. H.A.L.T. Are you feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired? It’s amazing how much low blood sugar, fatigue or interpersonal problems inflate a small problem into a huge one.

2. Say no. You don’t have to accept every invitation or continue all of the traditions you participated in before. I won’t lie – you may ruffle a few feathers in the process. But there’s nothing wrong with saying “no, thanks!” to something you’ve really been dreading.

3. Ask for help. Need a sympathetic ear? Advice from someone who has been through the same thing? Practical assistance with chores or a special project? Something else? Ask for it! I’ve found that most people love to help out if they know what would (or would not) be appreciated.

4. Recharge. You might need to do this more than usual after a particularly stressful event or period.

 

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December 29, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Upside of Being a Hypocrite

Confession:

I participated in a gift exchange this year.

No, I still don’t celebrate Christmas (unless baking chocolate chip cookies somehow counts!)

It was with a small group of people. Bowing out was not something that could have gone unnoticed.

And I didn’t want to be the different one again. Too often I say no to:

  • homemade treats (stupid allergies),
  • church services,
  • get-togethers when I’ve made other plans…

After a while you don’t want to bow out any longer. So I said yes.  The amount we were to spend was small enough that a dollop of creativity was required to come up with a good gift and it was gratifying to figure out what would appeal the most to the recipient in that price range.

Will I do it again next year? No idea.

What I do know is that there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind or bending the rules. Just because something – a label, a belief system, a hunch, a way of doing things- worked really well last time doesn’t mean it will continue to do so tomorrow, next year, or in 2042. And that’s ok.

 

 

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December 26, 2011 · 9:00 am

So You Want to Avoid Awkward Conversations

It’s that time of year again.

Families are gathering together.  Christmas can be a wonderful chance to catch up with relatives you don’t see as often as you’d prefer. But sometimes awkward questions about what you are or are not doing with your life wiggle down the table and take root next to the mashed potatoes and dinner rolls. 😉

A more traditional OTOH post is coming on Thursday. Today I thought I’d share some youtube videos to distract all but the most persistant “why aren’t you..?” and “you shoulds!”

The Barking Cat:

Baby Rap:

Emerson and the Scary Nose:

How to Make a Baby Stop Crying:

How UPS Deliveries Actually Work (this one has a few bleeped out curse words):

 

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November 28, 2011 · 9:00 am

Should You Buy That Gift?

Christmas is less than a month away for those of who celebrate it.

I have mixed thoughts about this chart –

Never going into debt or buying stuff that you know the recipient doesn’t need or want is fantastic advice.

Yet there are a few silly assumptions here: 1) you still must buy gifts, 2) gifts only count  if you buy them at a store, and 3) everyone celebrates some sort of holiday this time of year by exchanging presents.

Maybe next year I’ll make a holiday survival flowchart for the rest of us? 😀

Provided by Mint.com

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October 20, 2011 · 9:00 am

The Deconversion Guide: Holidays

Welcome to part five of the deconversion guide. Click here for the last entry. 

Some of the biggest holidays of the year are just around the corner. Now is the best time to start preparing for them.

Once again I’m going to be assuming that your loved ones a) know about your deconversion and b) that there is at least the potential for weirdness over this issue.

Of course, some families are extremely comfortable relating to members who don’t share their religion.

And even families who are obviously uncomfortable at one celebration may have a very different reaction at the next gathering. I’ve had a wide range of experiences – from painfully awkward to not an issue at all – with the same exact group(s) of relatives.

So it’s entirely possible that this won’t be an issue at all. If it is, though, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Church

If this is your first visit as a non-theist remember that, at least for some denominations, the feel of a Christmas/Thanksgiving/etc. service is completely different than it would be if you attended an ordinary service. You will almost certainly not be the only visitor there and it’s much less likely that you’ll be pressured into anything.

If you want to avoid church altogether, travel on the day(s) that your extended family typically attend church. For example, Christmas falls on a Sunday this year. There’s nothing wrong with arriving later in the day to sidestep the come to church with us! conversation.

(Incidentally, travelling in non-peak periods can lead to less expensive plane or bus tickets. If you’re driving, arriving a day before or after the crowds can cut down on your travel time, too.)

Traditions

I don’t mind sitting quietly through a prayer but would be extremely uncomfortable reading the story of Jesus’ birth aloud (which is one of the Christmas traditions of my maternal grandparents).

Every non-theist sees this differently but it wouldn’t be polite or kind for me to participate so intimately in something in which I don’t actually believe whether we’re talking about the Bible, Koran or Bhagavad Gita. Even though I vehemently disagree with certain beliefs I deeply love and respect my theist friends and family members. Pretending to to share their faith, even if everyone knows it’s just lip service, would be incredibly inappropriate.

If you know a particular tradition will be an issue think about how you’ll handle it ahead of time. I, for example, might ask one of the Christians in the family to volunteer to read those verses.

If you want to change some of your traditions figure out what you prefer to do instead:

  • Volunteer at a soup kitchen?
  • Have everyone share favourite childhood memories?
  • Bake cookies?
  • Listen for Santa’s sleigh on the roof?

I can’t promise that everyone will go along with it but it’s generally better to have an alternative activity in mind when you’re attempting to change something that has been happening for years.

Awkward Conversations

Oh, you know the ones. One minute you’re slicing the turkey breast on your plate or taking a lingering sip of coffee, the next great-uncle so-and-so swoops down for a friendly post-dinner interrogation.

Good times. 😉

I have relatives and friend with whom I’m comfortable talking about anything and others who are politely redirected to less personal topics.

If you’re like me and can easily get caught off-guard it might help to practice a few stock phrases:

“I’m happy with my life.”

“Thanks for your concern.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Or even outright conversational hijacks like:

“Can you believe how fast little William is growing? It seems like just yesterday he slept through dinner in his father’s arms. How are your kids/grandkids/pets doing these days?’

I’ve mentioned this here before but the message boards at Etiquette Hell are a fantastic resource for learning how to politely wiggle out of uncomfortable situations.

Respond

What are your favourite tricks and tips for getting through the holidays? Is there anything you wish you had known from the beginning?

(I’m leaving these questions a little vague on purpose. Please share your story in the comment section if you haven’t done so already.)

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October 13, 2011 · 9:00 am

Mailbag #2

Anonymous asks:

How do you tell your extended family that you do not want to celebrate with gifts this year?

Good question.

My immediate and extended family has scaled way back on the annual gift exchange over the last half dozen years.

Children still receive them (and my grandmother reserves the right to give presents to everyone 😉 ) but almost everyone else has mutually agreed to exchange either nothing or very inexpensive items.

If this is a change you want to make for the 2011 holidays, discuss it now. Some people start shopping fairly early in the season. It would be much more awkward to end this tradition if the other members of your family have already purchased gifts for you.

Keep the conversation simple. Something like this might be good:

“I’d like to stop exchanging gifts for [the holiday you’re observing].”

Depending on your relationship(s) it may or may not be a good idea to mention your reason for wanting this. If you’re embracing voluntary simplicity, for example, remember that some people are threatened by the idea of downsizing their lives and they may project those anxieties onto you.

Also remember that change can be pretty scary.

Is there another tradition – volunteering somewhere as a family, a fun activity you’d like to try, etc. – you’d like to do instead? Now would be a good time to mention it. You don’t have to have all of the details figured out. Just knowing how you might prefer to fill that time may help your relatives be more willing to try something new this year.

And you can always go back to exchanging gifts in 2012 0r 2013 if everyone hates the new tradition.

Good luck! I’d love to know how it all turns out if you’re willing to share that information.

Do you have a question for me? Submit it through the contact form or in the comment section of this post. 

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February 14, 2011 · 9:00 am

Verbing Valentine’s Day

This post was originally going to be a rant about everything about Valentine’s Day that makes me uncomfortable:

  • The rampant consumerism.
  • The assumption that the best way to woo someone is by buying stuff.
  • The cookie-cutter approach to what is of the most unique and personal aspects of each of our lives. No two romantic relationships are alike! What works for one person or couple may be worthless or even harmful advice for another.

Instead of talking about what is wrong with Valentine’s Day, though, I decided to list more meaningful ways to show affection to a significant other. (Last year I wrote a post about why I don’t celebrate Christmas. Many of the points made there also apply to Valentine’s Day for those interested in re-evaluating holiday traditions in general.)

My philosophy of love, so to speak, is pragmatic. I’m generally uninterested in traditional gender roles or grand gestures. Love is an action verb in my family of origin, not a monologue. With this in mind let’s begin….

Verbing Valentine’s Day

Accumulate small gestures. It’s easy to say, “I love you!” Paying attention to small details consistently over time takes more work but it also shows that you’re in tune with what your SO likes, needs or wants.

Say I’m Sorry, Thank You. Apologies and appreciation are the axle grease of life.

Show anger gently. How you act when you’re mad is a far more accurate representation of who you are as a human being than how you treat others while in a good mood. I’ve never known anyone in a conflict-free relationship! How disagreements play out when they do happen, though, is a good indication of how healthy the interactions are between you.

Keep certain things private. Some of my most uncomfortable conversations have been with friends who  complain about their SO in ways that they’d never attempt if he or she could hear what was being said. Yes, sometimes advice from a close, trusted friend can help you navigate a tricky situation but be careful about what is said and how you say it.

Offer to help. There’s nothing better than hearing this phrase when you have a time-consuming or difficult project coming.

No, nothing mentioned today can be bought last-minute at the drug store or ordered online. As someone who is allergic to most chocolates, wears all two pieces of the jewelry I own every day and has never figured out what to do with flowers or stuffed animals I don’t resonate with the romance memes of western culture.

Respond

What do you consider to be a romantic gesture? How do you show your SO how much you care about them?

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October 11, 2010 · 9:00 am

Cultivating Gratitude

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. – Aldous Huxley

“It’s all very well to read about sorrows and imagine yourself living through them heroically, but it’s not so nice when you really come to have them, is it?” – Anne Shirley

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians!

Celebrating this holiday in October was a bit of an adjustment for me when I first moved up here. Growing up in the US I had always just assumed that everyone observed it at the end of November with us and so at first it was sort of strange to have Thanksgiving a few weeks before Halloween.

Traditionally this has been a time to reflect on everything in life for which we are grateful. I loved being with my maternal grandparents at Thanksgiving as a child and young adult. Not only was the table laden with all sorts of good things to eat, my grandfather was always almost painfully grateful to be surrounded by happy, healthy family members each year. He grew up in rural Ohio during the Great Depression and World War II. As a young boy he was in an awful accident when a wagon he was riding in collided with a train. Many of the other children on that hay ride died that day. One family buried all four of their children.

I don’t think we will ever truly know what deep impressions those experiences left in him, any more than I could step into your shoes or you could try on someone else’s life experiences for a time.

It makes me wonder how we can be grateful for what we cannot imagine happening. I’ve always had a roof over my head, a loving family, a warm place to sleep, a belly full of food, and medical care when ill. Intellectually I know that a day could come when I don’t have access to some or all of these things but it’s hard to imagine a life without any of it.

Gratitude seems to me to be a process of realizing that not everyone has these things and that we could easily be one of those people if it hasn’t happened already. It isn’t an easy task and definitely cannot take the place of actual life experiences, but it does stretch one’s mind and help us (or at least me!) not to slump into assuming everything good in life will always be there.

Once again I will end this post with a few questions. What are you taking for granted today? For what are you grateful?

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