Merry Christmas (Eve)! Traffic usually slows down dramatically here this time of year so I won’t be introducing any serious topics until after the new year. Instead I’ll share search engine terms that have lead new readers to On the Other Hand. Feel free to leave your own responses to them in the comment section.

Dogs don’t care about your politics.  Nope, probably not.

Why [don’t] anthropologists wear makeup? They’re too busy figuring out why you do.

My friend is stealing my personality. Step one: figure out what topics annoy, bewilder or bore your friend. Step two: develop a sudden interest in that area of life.  Ensure that every conversation drifts back to whatever it is your friend normally dislikes. Step three: sit back and watch his or her head explode.

Should you respect your elders when they are being mean? Yes, but sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is call someone out on their bad behaviour and/or spend less time with them until things improve. Age isn’t a free pass to do anything you’d like, and actions have consequences whether you’re 5 or 105.

Does a winter solstice mean more snow? I once read that we get twice as much snow during the years in which the winter solstice fails to arrive.*

When did you first grow up?  When I was four years old mom read a book to us about how babies are made. She was pregnant with Aaron at the time and Jesse and I had a lot of questions about her condition. One of the pictures in the book showed a man and woman gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes as they embraced. I remember thinking it looked like such a boring way to spend an afternoon and wondering why adults bothered with it.

I changed my mind about that eventually but it was my first glimpse into one of the many differences between childhood and adulthood.

Can I go see a movie alone on Thanksgiving afternoon? Yes. For the sake of the people working there I’d recommend renting a movie and watching it at home, though. Movie theater employees need holidays just as much as the rest of us.

 Do quiet people get married? Only when our dark lord demands it.*

What [should I] tell extended family when asked for gift ideas for child? Depending on their budget, the kid’s age and how close you live to one another I’d recommend stuff like:

• A day or family pass to the zoo/aquarium/museum/theatre.
• A tin full of homemade candy.
• An offer to teach the child a new skill – baking, fishing, woodworking, underwater basket weaving, etc.
• A recording of your favorite childhood memories. My grandfather did this for us once. It was the best gift he ever gave to his first three grandchildren.
• One of those obnoxiously loud musical toy…but only if you offer to keep it at your house.

Should you forgive a player?  Readers, how would you answer this one?

*not intended to be a factual statement.

The best search engine queries from the last three months.

1. If you are skeptical about everything then you would be skeptical about being skeptical right? Yes. I know I have blind spots. We all do. You can’t get rid of them…but you can remain aware that they exist.

2. Is traveling an hour away to school too far? One hour each way is a two hour daily commute – or 10 hours per week, 4o hours a month, and about 1440 hours a year. 1440 hours is the equivalent of 60 days. Do you really want to spend that much of your life in traffic? I sure wouldn’t.

3. Is earth hour evil? No, just a waste of time.

4. What’s a talkative person? Accompany me to my next family reunion and you’ll find out. 😉

5. Why [is] being on time for church important? If you’re late there might not be any jelly donuts left.

6. Why are Germans more sexually adventurous than North Americans? Their culture seems to be less anxious about sex than the U.S. I’d say Canada is closer to Germany than the U.S. in this regard…but it really depends on where you live!

7. Is asking [an] acquaintance “do you have kids” impolite? The only way it would be impolite is if you’re planning to harangue them for not having the correct number of children or having them too early/late/close together/far apart. Otherwise, ask away.

8. Is eating eggs ethically ok if they’re [from] pets? Yes.

9. Smelling cousin’s laundry. Including those who married into the family I have about two dozen first cousins. I have no idea what any of their laundry smells like.

10. I don’t want to move to a small town with my husband. This is something spouses/partners have to work out together. I know it can be tough to sort this stuff out but the rest of us don’t have the right to interfere in your relationship.

11. Things to be skeptical about… Anything that sounds too good to be true. Anyone who tries to make your life decisions for you. Any group that aggressively seeks out donations.

12. What is the best degree for a quiet person? Funeral service education. If not for the routine exposure to embalming fluids (and communicable diseases) I’d become a mortician in a heartbeat. The dead don’t make small talk.

13. What are some good questions for small talk at a new job?

• Where’s the best place to eat lunch around here?
• How long have you worked here?
• Where’s the washroom?
• I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Could I get you anything while I’m out?
• Where would I find an extra stapler/pencil/measuring tape/ladder/horse?

14. How do you respect elders who don’t respect you? By giving them consequences for their actions. Barring a medical issue like dementia I’d respect them by setting better boundaries and seeing them less often until things changed.

15. How does the Internet destroy friendships? I’ve actually found the opposite to be true in my life.

16. How do music cards work? Click here.

17. How do you handle someone else’s pessimistic mood? Introduce them to Puddleglum.

18. I am the last quiet person. This would make an interesting short story. Imagine a world in which pre-conception testing is so inexpensive and commonplace that everyone in developed nations can choose the characteristics of their children to be. Would being quiet or introverted be seen as undesirable traits?

19. Why you’re not a guru? I’m not opinionated enough about esoteric matters.

20. What happens if there is more hand sex? Why don’t you try it and report back to us. 😉

Photo by Brocken Inaglory

Search engine queries from the last two months. 

1. What would happen if the Americans gained control of the Niagara Peninsula? They’d probably end up annexing the rest of Canada, too. The U.S. has 312 million citizens…Canada only has about 34 million. 😉

2. Is a quiet husband better than a boisterous one? Yes.

3. How much sex on tv is acceptable? As much (or as little) as the plot requires.

4. What is it with quiet people that makes them interesting? You’ll never know what we’re really thinking about.

5. How [do you] catch up with old friends and acquaintances after many years? Invite them out for coffee/beer/ice cream floats. Share your life highlights from the last X of years. Ask them about theirs. Exchange phone numbers. Probably never see them again.

6. Was life easier in the 90s? Not for me. Your results may vary.

7. What happened to “the ooze” website? It was rebooted.

8. What’s the difference between socializing today and for twenty years ago? Embarrassing photos and stories are much more likely to end up on Facebook.

9. Is sex a kind of violence? No.

10. What would you ask your ancestors?

Many generations ago there was a woman in my family tree who gave birth to a disabled child when she was young and single (which was a very shameful thing in rural Germany at that time.) One day that child walked into the woods and “disappeared.” I’ve always wondered if someone covered up a murder with that strange little story. If so, was the mother involved?

About 150 years ago another ancestor changed his name and emigrated from Germany to the United States. We don’t know what his original name was or why he changed it. I’ve always wondered who or what he was running from. Was he really even German?

11. Is there more than one type of fear? Yes. That’s why watching horror movies is fun and actually being assaulted (sexually, physically or otherwise) is traumatic.

12. Why do people react nonchalantly to violence? They’ve grown numb to it.

13. What if someone doesn’t want our forgiveness? Forgive them anyway. You don’t have to tell them about it.

14. God will heal you atheist. If that happened I’d be grateful. And then I’d wonder why anyone would heal a non-theist from a minor illness (as I have no chronic health problems) when millions of believers die every day. Wouldn’t it make more sense to look after them instead?

15. Drinking is boring. Yes it is. Especially when you’re the only sober one in the room.

16. Awkward conversations you want to avoid. Anything with an agenda attached to it. Don’t have an agenda? Not interested in converting the rest of us to your religion/political party/choice of reading materials? Then no topic is off-limits.

17. When is grace appropriate and inappropriate?

It depends on what your position is in the conflict. Are you the injured party? It’s appropriate.

Are you a bystander trying to convince someone who has been hurt to sweep their pain under the rug? It’s inappropriate.

18. How can you let someone know something is yours legally? Say, “I actually own that.” If there’s still a conflict get legal advice.

19. Everybody I meet has to become a friend. No offense but I find that attitude to be sickly-sweet and patronizing. Be friendly by all means but please don’t try to force anything. It will either happen naturally or it won’t.

20.  How many holes are there in a girl? explain the function of each briefly. I’m so grateful you’re not my kid. Go ask your parent(s) or look it up on Wikipedia.

Search engine queries from the winter of 2012.

1. Do most people enjoy small talk? Yes. Even though it can be pretty dull sticking to mundane topics is better than inadvertently hurting or offending a new friend by bringing up a touchy subject.

2. What was Nellie Bly afraid of while she was in the Blackwells Island Insane Asylum? She might have feared being injured by a staff member or fellow inmate, never being released, contracting a lethal disease or all of her hard work being ignored or dismissed by the outside world.

3. Is it bad to snap at someone? Yes. How you conduct yourself after the fact is very important, though.

4. Will the smell of a rotten potato go away when you cook them? Food poisoning is brutal. Just buy new ones.

5. Where to go if you do not want to celebrate Christmas?

A few ideas:

• The nearest big city. There are bound to be neighbourhoods there populated with ethnic and religious groups that also don’t celebrate Christmas. Maybe you’ll find a new favourite restaurant or store!
• The great outdoors. Go hiking, sledding, camping (or swimming if you live in a mild climate. 🙂 )
• Online. Bake cookies/pop popcorn and catch up on that movie or tv show you’ve always wanted to see.

6. How do you avoid awkward conversations? Smile politely and then suddenly notice that someone across the room urgently needs your assistance.

7. List of compliments for relatives? Look for even the smallest accomplishments or acts of kindness and acknowledge them sincerely. Not possible? see #6.

8. Is anonymity destroying social skills? No. It can make some people more willing to tear down others, though.

9. % of people who lodge a compliment? 2.*

10. Bruxy Cavey is wrong. Yes, but so are you occasionally. I don’t have such a great track record either.

11. Deconversion hurts. Sometimes. It gets better, though!

12. How do quiet people make friends? Quiet people naturally exude a tantalizing pheromone that is irresistible to social butterflies. After our victims new friends are tagged and released we track them back to their social networking sites and cannibalize their friend lists.;)

13. What were the likelihood of John Watkins prophecies coming true? About as likely as any other prediction.

14. Is it passive aggressive to dump [someone] by email? Yes, unless you fear for your safety.

15. When is violence acceptable in religion? It depends on the interpreter. Some people believe their religion allows for violence on any day that ends in a Y, others think it’s ok under specific circumstances, and still others never condone it.

16. How do you become talkative and philosophical? Find a notebook, dress warmly and head to the nearest park or forest. Spend half an hour watching the local wildlife and writing down every question about humanity and the world around us you can think of that cannot be answered with the scientific process. When you have your list find someone who is interested in following these questions wherever they may lead. Finding this person will be by far your biggest challenge.

17. Bible character skinned alive.

Bartholomew.

Lachish captives (an unknown number).

Two Elamites.

18. Dialogue for two people in a dark alley.

Person #1: Did you hear that?

Person #2: Yes. Keep walking. We’re almost out of here.

The footsteps quicken.

Person #1, growing anxious: What happens if they catch up?

Person #2, smirking: Buffy isn’t the only slayer in town.

19. [Do] highly sexual cultures have less violence? This study says there’s a correlation between the amount of physical affection (or abuse) shown to infants and the level of violence in adult society. That’s not exactly what you were asking but it will be interesting to see if any further research is done on this topic.

I highly suspect there is a link between violence and living in a repressive culture – sexually or otherwise. Correlation is not causation, though, so high levels of violence and repression could actually be caused by something else entirely.

20. The word that means “the use of profanity as a stress reducer.” I couldn’t find any current words with this meaning. Let’s make one up. Any ideas?

*Not a scientifically accurate figure.

Here are my favourite search log queries from the last few months. 

1. Why do today’s laundry products pollute the air and smell so bad? The ingredients have changed.

2. How has [the] Internet changed flirting? No idea.  I haven’t flirted with anyone in a very long time.

3. What does the name Bruxy mean? According to Urban Dictionary it doesn’t have a meaning yet.

4. How do people treat homeless people? Like they don’t exist.

5. Do quiet people get married? Yes. Sometimes they even marry one another!

6. Why is atheism rising in [the] U.S.? I don’t know. I wonder, though, if the percentage is rising at least in part because more people are able to be honest about this part of their lives without risking their jobs, marriages, etc.

7. Was life better before the Internet? Not in the least. I’m not saying it’s perfect but life would be much more lonely and isolating for many of us without it.

8. Am I rude if I’m 30 minutes late? Yes, excruciatingly (barring emergencies, of course.)

9. Why do people think quiet people are stupid? I’ve never known anyone who thinks that. Maybe it’s because they confuse having thoughts with sharing them?

10. What religion had a holiday on October 20, 2011? Judaism.

11. Do you at times enjoy debating for the fun of it? Hell no. I don’t even like being around other people debating for the “fun” of it.

12. Why are there so many negative people in the world? It’s easier for many of us to focus on what has gone wrong rather than what is going right.

13. How should Christians react to sticky situations? As politely as they’d want to be treated if the roles were reversed.

14. How to discuss politics with those on the other side? See #13 and #11.

15. What did Evelyn Waugh mean in his quote, “the human mind is inspired enough when it comes to inventing horrors; it is when it tries to invent a heaven that it shows itself cloddish.” Thought a) human beings are dumb. Thought b) See #12. Thought c) Horrors of every shape, size and colour can be recorded at this very moment. No one can say the same thing about what may or may not happen after death.

16. Makeup: reasons why to wear it? You enjoy putting it on. You like the way you look with it.

17. Paintings of Star Trek crew. Is this close enough?

18. Do quiet people ever have best friends? Yes.

19. Whatever happened to respect your elders? More and more people are realizing that it’s an overrated concept.

20. Are you a crabby Christian? No.

There’s a small stack of 2011 moleskin agendas sitting in the corner. Someone I know was planning to throw them away. It was such a waste of paper that I brought them home with me instead to be used as scrap paper.

These things don’t just magically appear in our world, after all – someone has to chop down the trees, turn their pulp into paper, bind the paper into agendas, design an eye-pleasing cover, ship the agendas to a warehouse and then to the store, unpack the boxes, make price tags, merchandise them, and then (hopefully) sell them.

That’s a lot of work!

As soon as the words, “I’ll take them,” dribbled out of my mouth I realized something:

I’m becoming my grandparents.

This isn’t a bad thing. They’re wonderful people. I’d just never thought about how many of their values I’d absorbed growing up.

My mother’s parents don’t waste a drop of anything. They used rotary phones until I was nearly out of high school. (And I’m pretty sure at least of of their phones still is a rotary.)  No one wastes food under their roof and inedible food scraps are fed to the barn cats. If you ever were to visit them and wanted to write a note they have a desk full of scraps of paper. Years ago when my parents needed  extra suitcases for a longer vacation than we’d taken before my grandfather dug some out of one of his storage rooms. They were forty or fifty years old but still worked great.

There are many differences between them and me but in this area we agree 100%.

Respond

I know I’m not the only who has caught myself acting like someone I know.

When was the last time you caught yourself doing or saying something that sounded just like something one of your loved ones would have done?

Search engine queries from the last few months.

1.How to be a totally natural woman? Avoid whatever is unnatural for you. In my case it is makeup and high heels!

2. How to deal with over talkative people? Sit back and enjoy the show. I love listening to talkative folks because it’s so easy to figure out what makes them tick. If the one-way conversation really bothers you, though, just politely ask for some quiet.

3. Who is Lydia Schoch? A few words and phrases to describe me: ex-Christian, preacher’s kid, writer, day dreamer, nature lover and a nonconformist six ways to Sunday. Want to know more? Just ask.

4. What to say when someone says, “you’re brave”? Thank you.

5. Small talk is so inane. Why do people do it? They enjoy it. There is also something to be said for sticking to light topics with someone you’ve just met although I’m always relieved to reach the point where more meaningful stuff can be discussed.

6. Why [do] adults stop playing? They’re too busy doing other things, feel too old to do something so “childish” or have forgotten how important it is.

7. I don’t like wearing makeup but what should I do at special occasions? Continue not to wear it. Wear a really nice outfit or have your hair professionally styled if you enjoy that sort of stuff.

8. Apartment smells like last tenant. This, too, shall pass.

9. Is there unbiased news? Anything is possible, I suppose. But never ever trust any reporter or news organization who claims that they’re giving you the unvarnished truth. They aren’t.

10. Who was John Howard – Christian hero? A prison reformer in England in the 1700s.

11. Why is sex acceptable? You (probably) wouldn’t be around to ask this question if your parents thought it was unacceptable. And honestly there are far more interesting things in this world to think about than what other people do in bed! Like, for example, what you do in bed. 😉

12. Men wearing eyeliner and mascara… should come visit Toronto. I can all but guarantee that no one will bat an eye. If you’re particularly good at applying it a stranger might even ask for advice!

13. What is inside the mind of a quiet person? We’ll never tell.

14. What is the emotional difference between compassion and fixing someone else? Codependence.

15. Can someone spy through my ceiling or floor of my apartment? Yes. It probably isn’t happening to you, though.

16. Is it wrong to seriously doubt my faith? No. You could easily find that a little intellectual exploration was all you needed to reconfirm your faith.  And nothing that falls apart under closer examination is worth believing anyway.

17. Can you forgive someone and still not like them? Most definitely.

18. When someone says they’re purple? Believe them.

19. Can non-theist[s] be ethical? We’re every bit as (un)ethical as theists. That is, you cannot tell how ethical someone is by whether or not they believe in god. There are (un)ethical people in every group.

20. Reasons women shouldn’t shave their legs.

• You hate doing it.
• It’s October. No one (other than your SO, if you have one) will see that part of your body for the next six months.
• You really hate doing it.

Here are the most entertaining search log questions from the second half of the summer. A few have been lightly edited for clarity.

1. Why do you stop reading the story? Usually I stop because the plot is predictable and/or the characters are flat.

2. Is hand [palm] reading true? No.

3. Are we born skeptical? Of course not! No one is born believing anything, though. Most of the time children grow up sharing the beliefs of their parents or guardians and eventually decide to either continue following what they were taught or (de)convert to something else.

4. What has the Internet destroyed? Nothing.

5. How to get the rotten potato smell out of wood? Cover the area with a thick layer of baking soda and let it sit a few days. Rub more baking soda into the wood for extra deodorizing. Sand and repaint the wood to get rid of the stain.

6. Is it bad to eat one slice of cheesecake a day? Yes.

7. Do we have ethical obligations towards animals? Yes. I reluctantly agree that it’s ok to eat meat but it’s never ok to hunt any creature for sport or inflict needless suffering on them.

8. Why does lighting a candle make smell go away? Combustion.

9. Why do old people act crabby? My theory is that personalities distill over time. Someone who is crabby (or critical, or prejudiced…or generous, loving and kind!) at 30 will behave that way even more at 80. An alternative theory: physical or emotional suffering sometimes changes people for the worse.

 10. Can family members be enemies? Yes.

11. What do I miss when feeling nostalgic? A rose-tinted recollection of the past.

12. What happens when the law of attraction doesn’t work? There’s a big difference between magical thinking and being persistant and optimistic. Work hard to achieve your dreams but don’t beat yourself up if they don’t happen right away (or at all). It’s emotionally abusive to hold someone personally responsible for what happens to them as the result of chance or other people’s choices.

 13. What happens when one antibiotic doesn’t work? We try another one and hope that it works.

14. What court case is Sing Your Home based on? None. It’s fiction.

15. What’s wrong with doing good for goodness sake? Absolutely nothing. It’s better to do good for the sake of doing good rather than doing it to avoid punishment or earn a reward.

16. Why don’t negative people change? It’s hard to break old habits.

I’m trying something new here at On the Other Hand. Once or twice a month lighthearted posts will appear on Wednesdays. Today I’ll be responding to questions and queries from the June search logs.

To what extent do you think that people should  be skeptical in their life? To the extent that it prevents them from doing or believing something just because everyone else says it is good.

How to recharge your energy over the weekend? It depends on what recharges you. Solitude, quiet and time spent in nature are my biggest weapons.

What different forms of violence are at work in the song of solomon? It depends on whether you’re thinking about the Toni Morrison novel or the book of the Bible.

Name 5 reasons why writing and reading should be together?

1. Literacy is one of our greatest weapons against prejudice and ignorance.

2. You cannot fully understand someone else’s point of view until you can accurately repeat their beliefs back to them in your own words.

3. Reading great works sharpens your writing skills.

4. Writing can teach you to be compassionate when others make grammatical or stylistic errors. It’s so easy to overlook a mistake.

5. The knowledge needed for both of these things overlaps widely. Teaching one without the other would be like encouraging people who have two legs to walk on only one of them.

Why should you lurk? You don’t have anything valuable to say.

Do you know a negative person? Yes.

Can communist[s] wear makeup? Yes.

Do quiet people ever change to talkative person? Yes. Talkative people also sometimes change.

What body wash makes you feel fresh? Dear search engines: why would you ever direct people looking for body wash to the blog of someone who uses very few scented product? It doesn’t make sense!

Why do I take compliments too seriously? Maybe you put too much emphasis on what others think of you?

As a Christian should you keep company of negative people? Why would the answer to this be any different than it would be for people from any other set of beliefs?

Can you read quiet people with music or body language? Only if you take us out to dinner first. 😉

How to dump a negative person? Say “it’s not you, it’s me.”

I feel like I know what people are thinking. If I ever had this feeling it would be accompanied by an equally strong urge to find out if I was right.

Product placement in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I’ve never noticed any.

I hope you will consider how your response can counter rather than reinforce the cycles of violence that spin around us. Excellent advice!

How characters came about. This is a great question to ask a writer. Sometimes there are fantastic stories behind a particular scene or character.

Just because you choose to no longer be friends doesn’t mean you need to be enemies. Agreed. There are many shades of grey between the two.

I want to have some enemies. Wow, I have no advice for you. I’ve never sought out this sort of relationship.

I want to eat free range products but can’t afford it. Teresa might be able to teach you how to grow your own.

There are quiet people watching you. Probably, yes.

Someone showing quiet hands. Dare I ask what quiet hands are or why one would show them?

Learn to be less irritated. Meditation.

The ethics of stealing from whole foods. Unethical.

Rhetorical answer for “what’s your religion?” Jedi.

How much more expensive is ethically raised meat? It depends on where you live and how much freezer space and spare cash you have available. Buying half or a quarter of a cow can be extremely economical over the course of a year.